AFTER BIRTHDAY

a twelve minute monologue

by Pam Gems

Copyright © Pam Gems
Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. 

All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

AFTER BIRTHDAY

A GIRL, sitting in the waiting room of a prison hospital wing.

		Is somebody in there with him?

		I said...is somebody in there with him?

Pause.

		Can you talk in here?

There is no response.  The GIRL looks about, her eyes raking the audience as if they constitute her fellow prisoners.  Her face hardens a little.  She reaches inside her clothes, takes out a cigarette, and a box of matches, lights up and draws needfully.

		You're not allowed to smoke, you know.

She draws again, sucking in the smoke, and expelling forcefully.

		Against the rules.

		Well, shall we have a sing-song?

		We could all have a wank.

She grins round wolfishly, then the smile dies on her face.

Pause.

		I had it on a bus once.

		With a wog.

		Had it forty-five times one night.  With thirty-five Algerians.

		Me record, that.

		Hands up anybody who's never had it?

She looks round, as if for a head count, and then grins cheerfully.

		Well, that's something we got in common, anyway.

Slight pause.

		Hey, can you have visitors?

		Can you write letters?  Only...you know, they don't know I'm in here...like, I've been in the hospital wing...I could write Linda, she could tell our Mum.

		Yeah, there's Linda...I've got ever so many friends...you know...mates, they'll all be... you know...there's Linda...(she begins to tick off on her fingers)...there's our Linda...she'll be in... ah...ah......funny how you can't think when you're thinking, innit?

		I lose addresses, that's my trouble.

		Yeah, get a real lot of ravers in here...well, you know...like I'm a hairdresser...you meet ever such a lot of people...clients...do their hair.  It was great.  Best job I ever had, that.  Terry got me in, I was out of a billet and his feller give him the chuck, we used to kip in the basement where they did the colouring...and a few other things - no, he was a smashing mate.  It was him give me this cross and chain...(she looks down for it but it is missing...)  oh...course... fucking took it off me when I come in here.  I've wore it ever since he give it me...come in here, it's the first thing they fucking whip, innit?  Shan't see that again.  He give me a little mirror with one side enlarged so's you could see your pores.  Dunno what happened to that - well, moving around...I reckon I lost that... pinched...something.

		He's dead now.  Cut his throat.  (Factual.)

She fidgets, restless.

		Christ my ass is sore!  I had twenty-two stitches, you know.  I look like a fucking zip.

		Hey, anybody had the interview?

She looks round, no response.

		Fucking old bleeder.  Hey did you see that fucking great wart on her neck?  Enough to put you Right off.  She only wants to know all about it, at least with Old Bill you know where you are, I felt like saying, don't worry about it, whiskers, you're not missing anything.  I told her a load of bollicks.  Tell her?  Dirty bleeder.  Fucking lot of shit, they are.  All going down though...writing it all down.  Huh!

		Oh God.

		Is it hot in here?

		Only I'm on these tablets to dry me off.

		God they don't half make you sweat.  (She lifts her arms.)  Phew.

		Like this time they come and took me and our Linda away.  You should of seen this bleeder pulling our Linda off the banisters...oh, upset him, he only had to have a cup of tea next door, never mind we're left sitting in the meat waggon half an hour...laugh?  They're lice.  Maggots.  If our Mum had of been there she'd have sorted them, she don't stand for any of that.

		How long have we got to wait here for?

		What the fuck are they all doing in there?  As if we didn't know.  (Calls)  Are you all screwing yourselves?

She looks around, grinning.  The smile dies again.

		I'm not supposed to be here, anyway, in the first place.

		I don't know what I'm doing in nick with all you lot, I ain't done nothing.

		If I've told them once I've said it fifty times what happened, they don't believe you.  You can swear yourself black - course they've got it all written down, what you're supposed to have done.  Just because it's different to what I said, one of us is lying!  Well, they ain't going to turn round and say it's them that's lying, oh no, it's me...I'm the one that's lying!  Then they get you for that!

		No, see what I mean?  They get you here in the first place and if they find out they've made a mistake they're gonna look right fucking idiots saying, oh, we've made a mistake, she's not supposed to be here...waste of public money...

She leans around, begging support.

		Oh suit yourselves.

		Turn the other way, I don't give a fuck.

		Load of toms and dippers, you don't have to talk to me...makes No fucking difference, don't put me off my grub.

		Listen, the reason I don't eat is because it's filth, that's why.

		Nothing to do with you lot.

		Why don't you all stuff yourselves.

She hums a tune, and fidgets, restless.

		Christ.

		Sit here all bleeding day.

		Anybody got the time?

		Here, tell you a funny story.  Hah!...when me and our littlun was kids.  We only borrowed some old gink's parrot and went in the parade as Robinson Crusoe and Man Friday!  Laugh!  Till I got a belting for borrowing one of me Mum's fur coats that is - no, we only won!  We got the prize!  Couldn't bleeding believe it!  Up comes this feller...only wants to take our picture standing next to the Mayor for the bleeding paper!  Fucking parrot!  He's straight off our Linda's arm onto the Mayor's shoulder!  They think it's great...cameras going...taking pictures ...all laughing their heads off!  Till he shits a big one down the Mayor's coat.  We pissed ourselves...soon stopped taking pictures after that, couldn't get him out of it quick enough, poor old parrot never knew what hit him!

		Oh why don't you all sod off?

		Sod off!

		Sod off!!

Pause.

		Whatever you've done they can't top you for it.

		Not any more.  It's against the law.

		So you don't have to bother.

		All I care about is whether...whether I've knocked meself up or not.  That's all I care about.

		I mean, if they told you...tell you...fucking tell you anything.

		How the bloody hell was I supposed to know?

		This bloody girl comes round - I don't know who she was...some fucking straight...anyway, I'm not feeling too good, next thing I know there's a fucking doctor.  He never done nothing for me.

		Oh, she says, you gotta go down this clinic...I thought oh, fuck that, but no, round she comes, all dressed up in a coat...you know the sort.  Anyway, I go to this place...it's miles away... when we get there it's like a fucking keep-fit class!  It's all a load of rubbish, worse than back at school sitting at those desks with nowhere to put your tits, you're gonna get contractions, she says...if they told you it fucking hurt you'd know what they bloody meant.  Blood women!  All lying on the floor rolling about to music, it was disgusting, you should have seen some of their legs, like steam rollers, I soon got out of that...nothing to do with me.

		"Tuck you tails in, Mummies"...

		Fucking hell.

		They think you got no feelings, you know.

		People see you in a mess you think they'd...you think they'd...ah...when you're in real bother you...

		You can't always act pleasant...

		...not when you're worried...

		Oh no!  You gotta toe the fucking line, that's all they care about.  Fill in a form...wait outside... stand over there...who's next.  Never mind I was walking the streets with nowhere to go.  Why should they care?  Shut up shop for the night they're all right.  Little grumble about the train strike...late for dinner.

		It was three days, you know.

		And nights.

		I couldn't think what was happening to me.  I went a bit demented I think.  Oh, look the other way, I don't give a fuck!  Makes no difference to me, I hope it rots off.

		Oh, course, it couldn't happen to you, could it?  Oh no, you couldn't do a thing like that.  Do a thing like that?

Pause.

		Anyway, there's too many people in the world already, that's what Terry used to say.

		One more's not going to make any difference.

Pause.

		Could happen to anybody!

Slight pause.

		Well he wasn't like a baby.

		There must have been something wrong.

		Babies in prams don't look like that, they're all clean...pink...pleasant-looking.

		It was all mottled...covered in muck.  I've never seen anything so disgusting in my life.  After going through all that.

		Not as though it -

		Anyway if there's one thing I can't stand it's babies crying.

		Well, it gets on your nerves!

		He's better off out of it.

		One less to worry about.

		At least it's one off the rates!

Pause.

		I mean...it's not as though I'm gonna do it again, is it?

		I mean...is it likely?

		Last thing I'm gonna do - I'm not a bloody nutter.

		Keep pestering you...I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in here, I haven't done nothing...I mean, what are they keeping me here for?

		Do you know what I think...I think they're keeping us here on purpose.  They want to get you all upset.  They've got it all worked out - (shouts) you've got it all worked out, haven't you?

		I don't care.

		I don't care, they can do what they like.

		Nothing to do with me.

		None of my business.

		Oh no.  Oh no.

Slight pause.

Turns her head, calls off factually)  Nurse...

		Nurse, where's my baby?

		Nurse, could I have my baby please?

		Will you bring my baby?

		Nurse!  For God's sake what have you done with him?  Where the hell is my baby?  Now I don't want any more of this fucking nonsense, you bring me my baby...Nurse?...give it back!  Where is he, you fucking monster, give it back......Nurse......Mum...Mum......Mummy!

Pause.

		Look, is there somebody in there with him?

		What are we waiting for?

		Oh well...at least it's warm in here.

		Shall we have a sing-song?

She looks around...then begins to sing herself, wagging her head and tapping a foot.

Fade to black.