AUNT MARY

SCENES FROM PROVINCIAL LIFE

a play in two acts by

Pam Gems

Copyright © Pam Gems
Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. 

All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

AUNT MARY

SCENES FROM PROVINCIAL LIFE

CAST

	AUNT MARY

	CYST

	JACK

	MARTIN

	ALISON

	MURIEL
AUNT MARY

SCENES FROM PROVINCIAL LIFE

SCENE ONE

The forecourt of a petrol station.  Up right is a cafe, practical inside, ditto balcony above...with two separate signs which read `CAFE' and `THEATRE'...the second with a direction arrow.  Down right, a round table painted dark green, park chairs, and a triple swing seat decorated and swagged with cushions in inky damask, and a silk shawl.  Down centre and left two pumps, airpipe, a stack of tyres, plastic bucket, and a large roll of blue paper on stand.  A wooden bench, apart, under a large rose-tree, in bloom.  Up left an ornamental pond in the Japanese style, appointed with stones, sand and a willow tree.

A sunlit midsummer afternoon.  The sound of Jimmy Yancey's `South Side Stuff.'  Music held, then down to crossfade the sound of a lark.  Pause.

Enter MURIEL.  She wears a chiffon scarf over her hair.  She is small and elderly.

			MURIEL
		Cooee...anybody in?

			JACK
		(From within)  Muriel?

			MURIEL
		Jack?  I've come for my shampoo and set.

She goes inside.  Pause.  MARTIN enters from down right.  He is young, wears a white shirt, carries a guitar and an old rucksack.  He goes into the cafe, helps himself to a beer, comes out, drinking from the can.  He sits at the table and writes.

Pause.  MARTIN writes.  The sound of a lark.

CYST crosses, up left, from the garden.  He wears a pale wig and a tulle dress in sweet-pea colours.  Makes to go indoors when MARTIN looks up.

			MARTIN
		Hi, Cyst.

CYST is startled.  He gives a small scream.

			CYST
		(Southern American accent)  `Why, Martin... hello.  Please don't get up, I'm only passing through.'

			MARTIN
		Blanche?

			CYST
		(Little curtsey.  From behind his fan)  Why thank you, kind sir.  My it's hot.

			MARTIN
		It's the humidity.

			CYST
		(Slipping into North Country)  Do what?

			MARTIN
		The humidity.  It makes you sweat.

			CYST
		(Shy laugh)  Oh.  Don't let me stop you.

			MARTIN
		(Puts his pen down)  It's OK, I've finished.

			CYST
		D'you want to read it?

			MARTIN
		Later.  When Mary's here.

			CYST
		(Offended)  Suit yourself.

			MARTIN
		He's not so critical!

			CYST
		Mary?  Not critical?

			MARTIN
		You're worse.  You tell the truth.

			CYST
		I do not.  Any road, don't listen to me, I got off at the Georgians.  It was all that horrible war...the end of poetry, all ground to sludge on Flanders field.

			MARTIN
		T.S. Eliot?  Ezra Pound?

			CYST
		(Scornful)  Imagists!

MARY enters with a silver tea-tray set with tea things.  He is fortyish, good-looking and wears a t-shirt and sarong and sandals.

			MARY
		Hi kid.

			MARTIN
		Hi Mary.

			MARY
		Good gig?  (Puts a huge club sandwich before MARTIN.)

			CYST
		What?

			MARTIN
		Poetry fest.  Nah - (he eats ravenously) - all verse, no poetry.

			MARY
		So go with the flow.

			CYST
		(Glares at him)  Art for art's sake!  (He proffers a beautiful cake.)

			MARTIN
		Wow!

			MARY
		Our new recipe from Jamaica.

He cuts MARTIN a huge slice.  They stand over him as he tastes, closes his eyes in bliss.

			MARTIN
		Wowee!

MARY pours tea, placated.

			MARTIN
		(Mouth full)  Why don't you like the Imagists, Cyst?

CYST shrugs, dismissive.

			CYST
		Trying to be obscure is vulgar.  Auden called it swank.

			MARTIN
		He can talk.

MARY puts down a cup of tea for MARTIN.

			MARY
		Auden...is as clear as crystal, as sound as a bell - (as CYST winces) - sorry about the clichés, lover.

			CYST
		I had noticed "go with the flow".

They drink and eat.

			MARTIN
		How was your trip to Jamaica?

			CYST
		Oh Martin!  Birds like insects...insects like birds ...big climbing sticky things coming in at you through the window...

			MARY
		Shut up, you're making a fool of yourself.

			CYST
		He was sick.  Both ways.  All over his shoes and all over -

			MARY
		Thank you.  Where's Muriel - (he calls, loud) Muriel?

			CYST
		Jack's putting her under the drier.

			MARY
		Well keep him away from the washbasin, it was the kiss of life last time.

			MARTIN
		Jack OK?

			MARY
		Sure.

			MARTIN
		Still on remand?

			MARY
		Charges dropped, lack of evidence.

			MARTIN
		Did he do it?

			MARY
		You kidding?  I've got forty brace of pheasant in that freezer.

JACK enters.  He is young, looks villainous in black vest and trousers.

			JACK
		Tea up?  (To MARTIN)  Hi - oh, great!

He grabs most of the sandwiches...hoists the guitar.

			JACK
		OK?

			MARTIN
		Sure.

JACK goes to exit.

			JACK
		Beer anyone?
MARY scowls.  JACK exits.

			MURIEL
		(From above, fanning herself with her magazine)  Ooh dear!

			MARY
		Cyst tell you we're writing an opera?

			MARTIN
		No, what about?

			CYST
		John Ruskin.

			MARTIN
		Being upset about his wife having pubic hair?

			MARY
		(Irritable)  For fuck's sake.

			MARTIN
		What happens?

			MARY
		Not a lot.  

			CYST
		We've got a good baritone for Ruskin -

			MARY
		- spade from Handsworth.

			CYST
		There's a walk-on for you if you're free, Martin.

			MARY
		Monsieur Sardine, the embalmer.

			MARTIN
		Thanks.

			MURIEL
		(From above)  Ohh!  Oh dear!

			MARY
		You OK, Muriel?

			MURIEL
		Almost!

			CYST
		(Screeches)  Carolle, you're going on fire!

			MARY
		I knew it...I knew it...!

He and MARTIN rush off.  CYST is left, transfixed with shock.

			CYST
		Oh Carolle...oh!

MURIEL is brought out and they hose her down.

			MARY
		You all right, babes?

			MURIEL
		Rather windswept, Mary.

CYST sits MURIEL down.

			MARY
		I'll kill that cunt.

			MARTIN
		(Putting a cushion behind her)  OK, Muriel?

			CYST
		It's not Muriel, it's Carolle.

			MURIEL
		I've changed my name - Muriel dates me, don't you think?

			MARTIN
		Who chose Carolle?

			CYST
		Don't you like it?

			MARTIN
		No.

			MURIEL
		(Wistfully)  I did think of Hortense.

MARTIN opens his mouth to object to that too.

			MARY
		Read your poem.

MARTIN reaches into his pocket, brings out his notebook.  He reads

			MARTIN
		Pillow of muscat and pomegranate.
		What's been done has been done,
		Achieved,
		Has been said,
		Is said,
		Is being said.

		Or so you think.

			MARTIN  (Cont'd)
		Attica irises,
		Fork-fringed, sea-wired on the pillow.
		She has island eyes, this girl.
		Purely by accident I look sideways.

		Splinters.

		What's all this?
		Why the jet-propelled missiles
		Homing in,
		Their escorts quivering in the walls?

		What, in the fragments of micro-processed plexiglass,
		Has been going on?

		It's not finished of course.

		What do you think?

		Mary?

			MARY
		Sex and passion, sex and passion.

			MARTIN
		What else is there?

			MURIEL
		Birds?

			MARTIN
		There's more to life than poultry, Muriel.

			MURIEL
		In a way.

She shivers suddenly.  CYST takes her inside.  The sound of a Beethoven slow movement as CYST switches on in the house.

			MARY
		You're right, kid.  Don't waste a minute of it.  Not a drop.

			MARTIN
		I do think about sex - a lot.  And words of course.

He gets up - looks out at the view.

He turns.

			MARTIN
		Mary - that woman I was telling you about -

			MARY
		Face of an angel?  Loins of a fox?

			MARTIN
		That's the one.  She's working at Pebble Mill, wants to come and pick me up.  OK with you?

			MARY
		Sure, if she's good-looking.

MARTIN, happy, leaps towards the door.  And stops.

			MARY
		What?

			MARTIN
		Nothing.  (Turns to go.  And back)  Look - ah -it's just - ah - no, it's fine.

He goes inside.  MARY rises, looks out at the view, wanders off.

The lights lower to twilight.  Lights on, severally, within.  The porch and forecourt lights go on.  Music - Jimmy Yancey's `At the Window'.

Pause.  ALISON appears.  She is very attractive, casually dressed.  She pauses, not knowing her way.  She crosses to door, knocks, listens, knocks again.  She feels warm, lifts the hair from her neck, crosses to pond.  Takes off her shoes, wades in for a paddle.

MARY, sinister in black silk suit and polo neck, stands in the dark, enjoying his cigar.

ALISON plays prettily.  Refreshed, she emerges from the pool.  MARY grabs her.  ALISON shrieks.  Music out.

			MARY
		Hey, baby...

			ALISON
		Get off, get off me!  Who the hell are you?

			MARY
		Say hullo to your Aunt Mary!

He grabs her.

SCENE TWO

The next morning.  CYST and MARY are reading the Sunday papers.  JACK, apart, turns the pages of a paperback rapidly, splitting the spine.  He makes audible sounds of enjoyment, irritating MARY.  MARTIN suns himself, hat over face.

They read.  ALISON enters, leans over JACK to see what he is reading.

			ALISON
		Oh, Lily de Winter!

CYST looks up.  ALISON smiles.

			ALISON
		Good morning.  Have you finished with this?  (She picks up a supplement and sits, displaying her legs and distracting MARY.)

			CYST
		You saw the pictures of Irek?

			MARY
		Who?

			CYST
		(Ratty)  Mukhamedov - the ballet!

			JACK
		Caw...ooaw!

			MARY
		Jack?

			JACK
		What?

			MARY
		Shut up.

Silence as they all read.

			JACK
		Ah fuck.  (He throws the book away.)

			CYST
		What's the matter?

			JACK
		She didn't get it.  He didn't give it to her!

CYST picks up the book, smoothes it gently, stands over JACK.

			CYST
		Jack, they have to be married.  (He finds the last page, reads)  Lady Veronica says to him "Hugo - we have the whole of our lives ahead.  Let's not spoil things."

			JACK
		I don't get it.  He wants it, she wants it -

			CYST
		Jack...society is a structure...

			JACK
		Yeah?

			CYST
		...as a leaf is a structure...the design of a moth's wing is a structure...

MARY, rattling his paper, looks up.
			MARY
		He means you're not supposed to come ON all the time!

			JACK
		How're you supposed to get it, then?

			MARY
		(Shrugs)  Ask the lady.

			ALISON
		(Thinks, then)  Gentle persistence?  Sensational presents?  (Returns to her supplement.)

			CYST
		The world loves a gentleman, Jack.

			JACK
		Right.  (Belches delicately.)  Oops, beg pardon.

ALISON masks a smile.

			CYST
		Probably that marrow.  It's never good to eat on an empty stomach.

MARY rises.  ALISON intervenes smoothly.

			ALISON
		Martin tells me you write.

MARY smiles but does not answer.

			ALISON
		I'm interested.  My line of country.

			MARY
		Yuh?

			CYST
		It says here there's a new ointment, Mary.  (He licks his finger, turns a page.)  Probably no good for your piles.

MARY looks dangerous.

			ALISON
		(Quickly)  Are you published?

			JACK
		You bet!  (He gets a warning look from MARY.)

			ALISON
		Who with?

			MARY
		We cover the waterfront.

CYST groans at the cliché.
			ALISON
		How do you mean?

			JACK
		They write under different names.  (Now CYST hisses at him.)

			ALISON
		You both write?

There is no response.

			ALISON
		Interesting.

			JACK
		(Picks up the book he was reading.)  This is one of Cyst's.

			ALISON
		Lily de Winter?  But she's adorable!

			CYST
		(Flutters and then says wickedly)  There's a collection of Jeff Sprague indoors if you're interested.

			ALISON
		All that macho heavy-metal?  No thanks.

			JACK
		Mary's.

			ALISON
		Oh.  Sorry.

MARY shrugs amiably.

			ALISON
		Who else, I'm dying to know.

			JACK
		(Pointing at MARY and CYST in turn)  They - are William Girdle, Moira Parkins, Bill Spruce, Olivia Warner...and Lily de Winter.

			MARY
		Jack, shut your mouth.

			ALISON
		What?  All of them?  (To CYST)  Moira?  You?  I love that fey Irish broad!  And Girdle's  wonderful saga (remembers the name)...God's Annexe!...I sat up all night!

		You're having me on.

			MARY
		Sure, babes.
ALISON looks from him to JACK and then to CYST.  Who is agitated.

			ALISON
		(Thoughtfully)  We tried to get Bill Spruce for Arts Ahoy but he was in Siberia.

			MARTIN
		Their pipes burst.

JACK laughs.

			ALISON
		And Moira?  What was it when we tried to reach her...(she tries to remember) they said she'd - she'd -

			MARTIN
		- joined the Little Sisters of Latzio.  (Getting up)  Bacon sandwich?

			ALISON
		Wicked.  (As MARTIN goes inside.)  I'm sorry - I don't get it.  Why the pseudonyms?  Are you on the run or something?

			JACK
		No!  All kosher.  They use their own names here, in the theatre.

			ALISON
		The little place over there?  It's a 50 seater!

			MARY
		But live.

			ALISON
		In Birmingham?

			JACK
		What's wrong with Birmingham?

			ALISON
		Nothing, nothing at all.

			JACK
		Good place.

			ALISON
		Absolutely.  (To MARY)  Did Martin tell you I was with Arts Ahoy?  BBC 1 - top slot Fridays?

			JACK
		That's it!  I seen you!  I knew I clocked your boat!  You're with that programme!  Hang on... hang on...you're the one with the gear!  Listen mate...compared to you - Anthea Turner - crowshit!

			ALISON
		Oh you are sweet.

			JACK
		Arlene - Anna - Alison!  You're Alison Witherspoon!  I know your face better than me own Mum's.

			ALISON
		Come on, I'm just a presenter.

			JACK
		That's what I want to be - that's my dream!

			ALISON
		It's harder than it looks, Jack.  Mary, I was wondering - I'd love to interview you...possibly a whole programme - just you, and - (she gestures CYST.)

			MARY
		We're hardly mainstream.

			MARTIN
		(From the cafe)  Ready!  (ALISON rises.)

			ALISON
		Oh, but you are!  You could be.  Do think about it.  (Goes.)

			CYST
		`Do think about it'!

			JACK
		Alison Witherspoon - she's fucking famous!

He goes inside.

MURIEL enters with a trug, crosses.

			MURIEL
		(Pauses, then)  Mary?

			MARY
		Mmm?

			MURIEL
		You won't let them put me in a home?

			MARY
		What?

			MURIEL
		I'd rather have my neck wrung when the time comes.

			MARY
		I'll see to it for you.  (Returns to his newspaper.)

MURIEL smiles happily, goes.

			CYST
		Why doesn't she use the henna?

			MARY
		She says it's passé.

Pause as, heads down, they read the Sundies.

CYST suddenly gasps, throws his supplement away.

			CYST
		We're going to run out!

			MARY
		Run out of what?

			CYST
		(Ratty)  People!  All these women not wanting fat stomachs, and men getting sterile...it's all going to be done by robots, chips servicing chips, a totally silent world because there'll be no mouths left to speak, ears left to hear, just radio waves in a soundless, sightless -

			MARY
		Shut up.  The world's never going to run out of things for you to worry about. 

			CYST
		But Mary -

			MARY
		That cyst on your neck is benign, for Christ's sake!!

			CYST
		They could have mixed up the plates.  The biopsy could have been entered on the wrong -

			MARY
		Only on Channel 5!  Listen, if it weren't benign, you'd have been dead long ago.  You are not, repeat not going to be left, all on your own, the last basket-case survivor on this planet.

			CYST
		You said yourself - we're all turning into functions -

			MARY
		I was upset about the cat - and spare me your vulgar sociology.

			CYST
		(Head in the newspaper again)  You said you preferred it vulgar.

Giggles and moans from above...MARTIN and ALISON.  MARY stirs restlessly.  The sounds build to a prolonged and vocal climax.

Silence.

			CYST
		Mary?

MARY, buries himself in his newspaper.

			CYST
		You wanna fool around?

No response from MARY.  CYST walks about.

			CYST
		You could be Prince Myshkin and I'll be the Snow Queen.

No response from MARY.

			CYST
		What I'd really like is a quest.  

He looks to MARY.  Still no response.

			CYST
		I'd be in this forest...pitch black.  Suddenly a shaft of light and a young fawn leaps across me path.  I follow the light and then I see him.  (MARY'S attention is caught.)  Tall...shining... Rodolfo.  With long white thighs like a Pentel.

MARY considers this but goes back to his paper.

			CYST
		What would you like?

		Young girls, I suppose.

			MARY
		I'm not THAT insecure.  (He rises, exits.)

			CYST
		Where are you going?

The music of Jimmy Yancey's `At the Window'.

Pause.  MARTIN enters, smiles at CYST, throws himself down on the seat.  Slight pause.  ALISON enters.  She crosses, exits.  MARTIN rises and follows her.  MARY enters, watches them go, turns back and exits.  CYST, seeing MARY watch the girl, gets up, grabs the papers and follows MARY inside.

Music of `At the Window' by Jimmy Yancey continues.  Fade to black and up again.  JACK is fishing the pond.  MARTIN lies stretched out, asleep, nearby.

JACK fishes, for as long as it will hold, to the sound of `At the Window'.

JACK shakes his head, puts down the fishing rod, goes inside.  MARTIN asleep.  Small pause.

MURIEL enters, in a Red Riding Hood Cloak...bearing a plate of cakes.  She passes, then notices MARTIN, approaches.  He wakes with a start.

			MURIEL
		Macaroon?

He takes one.

			MURIEL
		Take two, take two.  (She proffers the plate again, and again, until he has four macaroons.  Placated, she smiles and goes inside.  He bites into a large macaroon.)

SCENE THREE

ALISON, MARY, in a Russian smock, JACK, CYST, in soft grey and brown tulle, and MARTIN emerge severally, MARY with cigar and brandy, CYST with a very large, brightly painted cup of coffee, the others with their drinks.

			ALISON
		Sorry about your cat.  I've got a gorgeous little Yorkie.  Martin adores him.  (They sit, relaxed after a good meal.)

			MARY
		Do you?

			MARTIN
		Hate it.

			CYST
		(Wistfully)  I'd like a little dog.

			MARY
		What for?

			CYST
		Company.

			MARY
		You've got company.

			JACK
		You have to take him out, Cyst.

			CYST
		Why?

			JACK
		Exercise.  Do his business.

			MARY
		Good, get your weight down.

			CYST
		(Puzzled)  I'm not fat.

			MARY
		Nice little Yorkie yapping round your legs - you'd meet people -

			CYST
		I don't wish to meet people.

			MARY
		(To ALISON)  See what I mean!

			CYST
		(Embarrassed by ALISON'S presence)  Will you shut up?

CYST turns away, upset.

			MARY
		Cyst, I am trying to help.  Do you seriously intend to spend the rest of your days measuring out coke spoons at the back of a Handsworth garage?  I mean - is this IT?  Our existence to be a pastiche shrine to your paralysing fearophobia?  What games are we playing?  I'm talking about my life here.

			CYST
		(Hurt)   Don't.

			JACK
		Old Cyst's always been shy, Mary.

			MARY
		Jack, we're all shy!

			ALISON
		I'm appallingly shy.

			MARY
		There you are!  A woman who has the courage to admit it.  And still speak to an audience of five million a week.

			ALISON
		Seven actually.
			MARY
		Seven.  A woman who does things.

CYST moves away.

			MARY
		How long since you've been off this forecourt?  You can't keep asking Muriel to shop for your personals.

			CYST
		She likes shopping.

			MARY
		That is not the point.  It's you I'm worried about.  Perhaps you should get a dog - you could go down the pub together.

			CYST
		I don't want to go down to the pub.  Why should I go down to the pub when we've evolved a perfectly rational infra-structure here.

			MARY
		You've been talking to Herbie again.

			CYST
		What's wrong with that?  Mary, don't be cheap!  I've replanned my whole psychic structure on that talk you had with Herbie after the wine-fest.

			MARY
		Just shut up.

			CYST
		I will not.

			JACK
		Oh come on you two -

			CYST
		(Together)  Keep out of this, Jack.

			MARY
		(Together)  Stay out of it.

			JACK
		OK - don't bite me head off!

			MARY
		(To JACK)  You're so reasonable, of course.  Your relationships are so urbane.

			CYST
		Sauve...

			MARY
		What?

			CYST
		(Falters)  Sauve?

			MARY
		Sauve?  Sauve?  SUAVE, you illiterate berk... `SAUVE'! 

Furious at the fauxpas in front of ALISON he dashes CYST'S cup to the ground and exits.  Music out.

			CYST
		Oh, not the Clarice Cliff!  He's ruined the set!

ALISON and MARTIN move away to the pool.

			CYST
		One of these days I'll surprise him.

			JACK
		Yeah, piss off.

			CYST
		Oh I will, I will.

			JACK
		You're too meek.

			CYST
		(Meekly)  I know.

			JACK
		He'd be right choked if you walked out and got a job.

			CYST
		Where would I get a job?

			JACK
		Courier - on the package tours, you'd make a fortune.  Guy I know got the pie and mash concession for the whole Costa - two seasons flat.

			CYST
		Jack, I wouldn't have the effrontery.

			JACK
		No, he was skint, I'm telling you.

			CYST
		(Slight pause)  I do think about it.  Sitting on one of those tall stools...low lights...barman polishing his glasses.  I hear the bead curtains behind me...ticlung...ticlung..."Hello there".  "Hullo."  "What are you drinking?"  "Bacardi, if you insist."  And in the corner a little feller on keyboards...

			JACK
		There you go.

			CYST
		I'd not have the nerve.  Anyway, what about my appointments at the behaviour clinic?

			JACK
		You only went once.

			CYST
		(Shrugs, then)  I couldn't leave Mary.

			JACK
		He'd be laughing without you, mate.  Doctors' bills, chemists' bills, all those cyst investigations, before that the bone marrow thing.

			CYST
		My spine kept itching.  I couldn't leave him, break his heart - and I hope you heard that...(to MARY, at the door)...you've ruined the set.

			MARY
		(Genial)  Never apologize, never complain, never explain...mark of the aristo.  (He embraces CYST.)  You're looking beautiful.

			JACK
		So he should after that facial.  (CYST looks alarmed.)

			MARY
		(Cuddles CYST affectionately)  What facial?

ALISON and MARTIN approach.

			CYST
		(Nervous)  It was wonderful, Mary.  She uses essential oils...no lanolin, that's sheep's grease, grows hair on your face, that's what Jacinth says.  It takes three tons of geranium petals to make one drop of oil, well you can't expect it to be cheap.

			MARY
		How much did it cost?

			CYST
		Well, there was the dusting powder, the face dew, and moisturiser...it all came in a set, special offer.

			MARY
		How much?

			CYST
		(Slight pause)  Seventy-eight pounds.  (Pause.)

			MARY
		You spent seventy-eight quid on your face?
			CYST
		Yes...feel.  (He lifts up his face, gets punched, falls.)

		Ohh...what did you do that for?

			MARY
		The world starves and this prick spends eighty quid on his face!

He makes to hit CYST again.  MARTIN intervenes and holds onto him, in a scuffle.

			MARTIN
		That's enough, Mary.  Mary...that's enough!

			MARY
		(Pulls himself clear, exits, smashing things off the table.)  More than bloody enough.

			CYST
		(Wincing)  I knew it was too much at the time.

			JACK
		Well, don't feel too bad.  He's just undone all the good work.

			ALISON
		Are you all right?

			CYST
		(Ignores her)  I ought to have asked the price first, but I didn't have the nerve.  AND I paid for Muriel.

			JACK
		Forget it.  Look, point is, you gotta learn to stand up for yourself...

They go.  Music of Jimmy Yancey's `How Long Blues'...up, and then down under next section.

			ALISON
		Well, well, well.

			MARTIN
		D'you want to split?

			ALISON
		I wonder if I should change channels.

			MARTIN
		You're doing OK.

			ALISON
		OK is not where it's at.

Music fades out.

			ALISON
		Why didn't you tell me?

			MARTIN
		What?

			ALISON
		About all these amazing weirds!  (MARTIN does not reply.)  Why does he call himself Aunt Mary?

			MARTIN
		For tax purposes.

			ALISON
		(Puzzled)  Oh.  Where does Jack feature?

			MARTIN
		(Unwilling)  Mary met him in rehab.  Look, forget it.

			ALISON
		Are you kidding, they're a gift!  There's a wonderful programme in this.

			MARTIN
		Time to go.

			ALISON
		(Shakes her head)  Uchuch.

			MARTIN
		Alison!

			ALISON
		It's perfect, the more I think about it - if all we can afford is talking heads, let's have them extraordinaire!

			MARTIN
		And you think they'll agree?

			ALISON
		They ALL agree.  Wait till I lay this on Adrian, he'll shit himself.

			MARTIN
		It's as well you've smashing tits, love.

			ALISON
		OK, Martin.  You're a great pull.  And you've had five spots on the box, and I'm not talking panel games - quality media exposure.  Don't cock this up.  If I can just get a crew together!

			MARTIN
		Alison, they've got their own life here.

			ALISON
		Are you kidding, they'll be Celebrities!  My God...a butch agony queen...fantastic talking point!  The fey one can have a spot to himself...clothes, beauty hints - I've got it - their own chat show!  (He groans.)  What's the matter?  What are you doing?  (He embraces her.)

			MARTIN
		Your eyes are the colour of a Prussian cavalry officer's greatcoat.  Neither green nor blue, neither blue nor green...

			ALISON
		Don't change the subject.

			MARTIN
		And did I ever tell you about your ass...I must have done, I think about it all the time.  You - are Aphrodite.

			ALISON
		From Addlestone?

			MARTIN
		No.  You were left in a basket in the reeds by the river Wey.  Your Mum came down to the water's edge to wash the Tupperware...and there you were...the face of a lily with purple-green eyes looking up at her, what could she do...put your hand on me, come on...she stuffed you into her womb, like this...crawled back up the bank with you, one hand on you, the other in the dirt..."Look what I've got here"...bet it gave your Dad a thrill...do you like that?

			ALISON
		Oh...you...(he kisses her.)

		You think because you turn me on...(he kisses her.)

			MARTIN
		Don't do it.

			ALISON
		What have I got to lose?

			MARTIN
		Me?

They look at each other, then go, separately.

SCENE FOUR

MURIEL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.  CYST enters from within, wearing a half-made dress.  MARY follows, tape measure round neck.  CYST stands on chair, MARY pins the hem of the dress.

			CYST
		Why should I if I don't want to?

			MARY
		She's a guest, for Christ's sake.  (He pins.)  OK, I made a pass - I was out of it on Muriel's sloe gin.

			CYST
		It's not just that.  Every time she walks past, you -

			MARY
		What?

			CYST
		Mary, if I was crude I'd say your dick hits your chin, but I'm not.

			MARY
		She's a pretty girl.  (He pins.)  Not beautiful, like you.

			CYST
		(Slightly mollified)  You know how I feel about casual sex.

			MARY
		(Sing-song)  Richard Gere...Richard Gere!

			CYST
		And don't you love to spoil it with your mean horrible coarseness.

			MARY
		(Pinning)  If I'm coarse it's because you're such a wilting lily.  Turn round.  Did it never occur to you that the way you let me exploit you damages me?  (CYST turns to look at him, baffled.)  Have you asked Muriel about the jacket?  (CYST shakes his head.)  Why not?

CYST shrugs.

			MARY
		I see.  I'm going to all this trouble and you're  coming as Jane Eyre.

			CYST
		(Gets down)  That's it!

			MARY
		I haven't finished.

			CYST
		Shut up!
			MARY
		What's the matter?

			CYST
		Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!

			MARY
		We-ell!  Now that is better.

			CYST
		No it's not.  Can't you understand - I don't want to assert myself!

			MARY
		I see.  And how else are you to make your way in the world?

			CYST
		I don't want to make my way in the world.

			MARY
		Turn round.

			CYST
		Anyway, I hate parties.  I never know what to say.

			MARY
		Just concentrate on looking beautiful.

			CYST
		Then they'll all look at me.

			MARY
		I'll tell them not to.

			CYST
		After all this trouble?  Anyway, I'll know you told them not to, and they'll know...

			MARY
		OK.

			CYST
		...and I'll know they know...

			MARY
		OK, OK...

			CYST
		...and they'll know I know they know, and -

			MARY
		OK, OK, stop!  Breathe!  In...out...in...out... remember your yoga...imagine little gills in your back...open them up...fill them out...in... that's better.  Stay with the breathing, I'll talk you through.  Here you are, approaching the door...pause...breathe ...you turn the knob... another breath...don't hurry, lift your head...a quick look in the glass...open the door, and glide through.  (CYST mimes.)  Turn casually... take your time...take your time...and drift slowly to the nearest person...never mind who, don't start arguing with yourself, just do it.

			CYST
		Suppose they're talking to someone?

			MARY
		Doesn't matter, nobody minds, nobody's saying anything...come on...

			CYST
		(Deep breath)  Hullo, how are you, are you feeling all right?

			MARY
		Fine, thanks, sweetie.

			CYST
		Oh good, take my time don't forget to smile...is it Thursday, I thought it was Friday, I shall think it's November next, hang on, what was I saying, I've lost the flow, Mary, I'm losing the flow -

			MARY
		I'll be Lady Rosemary, give you the idea.  (Perfect upper class voice)  Hellew!  How was Saint Moritz?

			CYST
		Wet - I mean, snowy.

			MARY
		And the ball, the hunt ball?

			CYST
		Ah......

			MARY
		Weren't you there?  No, of course, you were in Grimsby.  Having a facial.  Your turn.

			CYST
		What nice teeth, are they capped, I'd like mine done but it costs unless you screw with the dentist, is yours Australian?

He reacts to MARY'S exaggerated Lady Rosemary stance.

			MARY
		What's the matter now?  I'm trying to help.

			CYST
		No you're not.

			MARY
		Then what am I doing here?

			CYST
		Trying to undermine me.  As usual.

			MARY
		Rubbish!  Look Cyst, anything I tell you is an act of friendship.  I care.  Remember your crabs?

			CYST
		And who gave them to me?

			MARY
		I'm trying to help.  Make you look - feel - lovely.  So that you won't let me down.

			CYST
		Let you down?

			MARY
		Babes, I want you to sparkle.

			CYST
		I have no intention of sparkling.  And don't look so degagé, Mary.  We all know what you'll be after.

			MARY
		Me?

			CYST
		May I remind you that it's Muriel's birthday, and I will not have you degrade it with your full frontal fatuity.

			MARY
		Uh?

			CYST
		You never take your eyes off her.

			MARY
		OK - pretty girl - she can sit on my face any time.  It doesn't affect us, it's what H.G. Wells called a passade...a mood of the moment.  Things will be all the better between us - let's face it, the earth shifted but infinitesimally this morning - still, you enjoyed yourself.

			CYST
		I'm not coming.

			MARY
		I'll be there for you.

			CYST
		No, you won't.

			MARY
		By your side, babes, like superglue.

			CYST
		The whole evening?

			MARY
		Never leave your side.  I'll be waiting with a white orchid as you step through that door.

			CYST
		And you won't desert me?

			MARY
		As if.

He ushers CYST inside.

			MARY
		(As they go)  What are you going to give us - Amanda and Eliot?  Brief Encounter?  What about your Blanche?

Light change.

JACK in dark suit like a gangster, except for the trainers, brings out Japanese lanterns on poles.  He and MARTIN, in clean t-shirt, place them.  ALISON, in a gold scrap of a dress, emerges with hand lanterns.  JACK and MARTIN bring from around the up left corner of the house, a bare tree in a pot, festooned with cobweb and deep red roses.  JACK goes inside.  ALISON laughs.

			MARTIN
		What?

			ALISON
		Is he carrying, or what?

			MARTIN
		They're friends of mine.

			ALISON
		Who I'm trying to help!

			MARTIN
		Leave it.

			ALISON
		No.  (He cuddles her.)  Don't.  You're getting to me.

			MARTIN
		Good.

			ALISON
		And wouldn't that just suit you?  All mod-cons, three meals a day...`hush, kiddies, Daddy's writing'.  Till my ass dropped and some slightly-younger poetry-fest groupie stuck hers under your nose.

			MARTIN
		I'm just saying it's not for them.  And lay off Mary, there'll be trouble.  Listen, why don't we walk in the woods, watch the moon come up...

			ALISON
		You mean you want a seeing to?

			MARTIN
		I want to look at the moon.

			ALISON
		(Mock shock)  Don't tell me you don't fancy a roll?

			MARTIN
		That depends.  If there's a mossy bank where the wild thyme blows...

			ALISON
		I can get you up here if you want.

			MARTIN
		...where oxlips and the nodding violet grows...

			ALISON
		Is that what you want?  Yes?  No?  Why are you looking at me like that?

			MARTIN
		Like what?

			ALISON
		As though you'd stepped in a turd.  I'm Aphrodite, right?

			MARTIN
		You're spitting in my face.

			ALISON
		Martin...come on...it's a leg-over!  Do you want to go upstairs or not?

She stamps off inside.  He  hangs about, gazes up looking for the moon, and then follows her inside.

The music of Jimmy Yancey's `Jimmy's Stuff'...held.  Pause, then MARY enters, elegant in a navy, unstructured suit.  He escorts MURIEL, in a teagown, with embroidered bag and shoes with louis-heels.  JACK and ALISON follow.  JACK pours a drink for MURIEL.

			MURIEL
		Ooh - when!

JACK gives her the hefty drink.

			JACK
		Mud in your eye, Mu!

The music switches to a tango.  MARY leads MURIEL in a decorously correct tango.  Applause.  Musical cross to `Jimmy's Stuff'.

MARY and ALISON begin to flirt, laughing.

CYST appears at the door in his new aubergine moiré dress, now with a silver, square-shouldered jacket over.  He wears a small hat with veiling and a diamanté brooch, high heels and carries a clutch bag.  He pauses in the doorway, is about to make his entrance when JACK blunders inside for more beer, nearly knocking him over.

CYST hovers in the doorway, uncertain.  As he makes to move again, JACK slops out with his refilled glass, so that they are jammed in the door.  JACK spills beer on CYST'S skirt.

Music switch to Jimmy Yancey's `The Fives'.  ALISON and MARY, standing close together, laugh loudly.  MARTIN talks to MURIEL.  JACK dances frenetically, bumps into CYST as CYST approaches nervously.

			CYST
		Hullo how are you do you like my gloves I wanted plain but they only had these little daisy shapes I picked out the stitching but the holes are still there.  I keep pulling at them -

			JACK
		Keep trucking, Cyst!

He dances away.  MARTIN crosses for a drink.  The music changes to `How Long Blues'.  MARY and ALISON begin to dance, going at once into a clinch.  CYST walks stiffly to the drinks table, but just misses MARTIN, who moves away just as he approaches.

CYST stands, too rigid to help himself to a drink.  He picks up a half-filled glass left by someone else, holds it rigidly...propped up against the table.

Crossfade.  Lights.  JACK lies at MURIEL'S feet.  ALISON sits on MARY'S knee, arms about him, listening to MARTIN reading a poem...he too is at MURIEL'S feet, like Dejeuner sur L'herbe.  Music concrete, low.

			MARTIN
		In the crystal of the cave,
		Temper iron, conquer steel,
		Lest bicuspids both anneal,
		Hissing, Arthur's living stave.
		Clear the air with bitter smoke,
		And to marinate the word,
		Foil the tongue in buttered curd,
		Wrapped in a sweet almond cloak.

		Break the flint, reveal the core,
		Rocketry beneath the shine,
		Detonators crystalline,
		Venomed eyeteeth in the maw.

		Open sesame, says the boy,
		Abra, Cadabra, and breaks the toy.

			MURIEL
		Thank you, Martin.

			JACK
		What's it called?

			MARTIN
		Geode.

			JACK
		Oh.  Right.

			MARY
		(Slight pause)  Cyst!  Your turn.

CYST panics.  He looks to MARY for help.  MARY'S gaze is cool.  This hardens CYST.  He comes forward, in character.

			CYST
		`I don't want realism...I want magic.'

			MARY
		Oh, not bloody Blanche again!

			MURIEL
		(Murmurs)  Mary...

			MARY
		I'm up to here with bloody Blanche.

			MARTIN
		Don't be such a prick.

			ALISON
		I haven't heard it.

			MARY
		The night is yet young.

			MURIEL
		But not for me, my dears.  I must be off.  My thanks to you.  Again.  My word, I shall have a lot to tell God tonight.

JACK puts her cloak about her shoulders.
			MARTIN
		He knows already, doesn't He?

			MURIEL
		Then He's going to hear it all again.  Goodnight everyone.  God bless.  And thank you for my lovely birthday...my nicest ever.  Oh, thank you dear.  (As JACK relieves her of her presents and escorts her off.)

			MARY
		Right...something in the mood...(He clasps ALISON closer.  They dance.)

			ALISON
		We'd better be careful.

			MARY
		Why, babe?

			ALISON
		I don't want to upset Cyst.

			MARY
		What do you mean?  What are you talking about?

			ALISON
		I thought you two were an item.

			MARY
		Me and Cyst?  Just good friends.

			ALISON
		(Calls to CYST)  I adore your frock.

			MARY
		Having a good time, lover?

CYST strikes at ALISON with a knife.  ALISON screams and slips.

			MARTIN
		What's up?  What's the matter?

			MARY
		You OK, babes?

			MARTIN
		It's all right...you're all right, love...it's all right.  You're OK.  (He and MARY take ALISON inside.)

CYST walks slowly to the pond.  He throws down the knife, picks up two heavy stones, puts them in the pockets of his jacket, and walks into the pond.

The lights begin to fade.  Spot picks up Cyst's scarf, caught in the tree overhanging the pond.

AUNT MARY

SCENES FROM PROVINCIAL LIFE

ACT TWO
ACT TWO

The set is the same.  The party decorations have been cleared.  MARTIN and JACK stand by the pond.

Pause.

			JACK
		Smartie?

			MARTIN
		Thanks.

A FROGMAN emerges from the pond.

			JACK
		Anything?

The FROGMAN shakes his head, goes inside.  MARTIN and JACK contemplate the pond.

			JACK
		Quite a few finds today.  Music centre, motor bike, revolver...

			MARTIN
		(No reaction)  Nothing else?

			JACK
		Nah.  It's going to mess up next season's theatre.

			MARTIN
		How do you mean?

			JACK
		Cyst was down for the old serpent of the Nile.

			MARTIN
		Cyst?  Cleopatra?

			JACK
		You should have seen his Hedda Gabler, mate.  Take the roof off your mouth.

JACK tips more Smarties into MARTIN'S hand.

			JACK
		What happened to your bird?

			MARTIN
		Split.

They eat their Smarties.

			JACK
		Poor old Cyst.

			MARTIN
		Yeah.  (He sighs, reminiscent.)  I was taken for gay once.  Down the fifties shop.  The girl there said I looked like James Dean.

			JACK
		(Disbelieving)  What was you wearing?

			MARTIN
		Drainpipes, stripe socks, fluorescent T-shirt.  My body looked really good.

			JACK
		Yeah?

			MARTIN
		The only trouble was it made my face look ugly.  The girl I was with nearly blurted it out, which would have been great...I have this fantasy that the girl I live with should be able to read my thoughts.  Anyway, all she said was I had a self-conscious look on my face.  Which was true.

			JACK
		What was her name?

			MARTIN
		Roberta.  Amateur film maker.  She was the one said I looked gay.

			JACK
		Yeah?

MURIEL enters, with a dark velvet cloth for the table.

			MARTIN
		All set?

			MURIEL
		Nearly ready.  Look, I've finished my sampler.

			JACK
		(Reads)  `We absolutely owe it to Our Lord never to be afraid of anything.'

			MURIEL
		I made it for poor Cyst.

She takes the sampler, goes into the house.

			MARTIN
		Think she'll come up with anything?  I don't know.  Bloody mystery.  Where's he gone?

			JACK
		Listen mate.  Cyst would never walk off this forecourt.  He's in there.  (Jerks his head towards  pond.)

			MARTIN
		They haven't found him.

			JACK
		Not into time and a half yet, are they?

MARTIN moves apart.  A small car drives up...JACK fills the tank.  The DRIVER gets out, stretches his legs, pays, JACK gives change.

			DRIVER
		Thanks.  (Gets in, drives off.)

ALTERNATIVE SCENE:

MAN arrives with petrol can.

			JACK
		Run out, mate?

			MAN
		Yeah.

JACK fills can, takes pound.

			MAN
		Thanks.  (He goes.)

MARTIN crosses, switches off forecourt lights.

			JACK
		Ready?

			MARTIN
		Yeah.

They go off.

Music.  Procession enters.  MURIEL first in a long dress of panne velvet, with an Edith Sitwell head-dress.  She carries a large crystal ball, which she places on the table.  JACK carries a goblet and a stuffed owl.  MARTIN carries candles, and lastly MARY, who looks menacing in a black suit and Homburg.

The procession moves formally round the forecourt to the strains of Schubert's B Flat posthumous piano sonata...and then around the table.  MARY removes his hat.

			MURIEL
		(Quietly)  His favourite piece.

She lifts the goblet, from which they drink in turn.

			MURIEL
		To Cyst...beloved Cyst.

			MARTIN
		To Cyst, wherever you are.

			JACK
		You were a good mate, Cyst.

MARY takes the goblet and drinks needfully.  MURIEL rescues it.  The music ends.  Silence.

			MURIEL
		Will you all be seated please?

They sit around the table.

			MURIEL
		Is everyone ready?

		Touch hands, please.

			JACK
		Like this?

			MURIEL
		That's it.  Mary?

MARY puts his hands on the table.

			MURIEL
		(Quavery voice)  Is there anybody there?  (Pause.)

		Is anybody there?

Pause.  Then JACK scrapes his chair.

			MURIEL
		Keep still, Jack, there's a dear.  We'll try again.

		Is anybody there?

		Speak up.  Is anybody there?

A whoo-whoo, which makes everyone jump.

			JACK
		Shit!

			MARTIN
		What was that? 

			MURIEL
		Is there anybody there?

			VOICE
		(Faint)  Yes....

			MURIEL
		Who is it?  Who are you?  Don't be shy...

			VOICE
		It's me-eee......

			MURIEL
		Is that you, dear?

			VOICE
		Ye-es!  Is that you?

			MURIEL
		Yes, it's me.  How are you?

			CYST
		All right, how are you?

			MURIEL
		I'm very well...

			MARY
		Muriel, if we could get on please...

			MURIEL
		Of course.  What did you want to say, Cyst dear?

			JACK
		Cyst?

			MARTIN
		Cyst?!

			MURIEL
		We're all listening.

			CYST
		Is Mary on his knees?

			MURIEL
		(Whispers to MARY)  He wants you on your knees, Mary.

MARY gets on his knees.

			MURIEL
		We're ready.  Hullo, are you there?

			CYST
		I'm here.

			MURIEL
		Go on dear.  Give us your message.

			CYST
		Mary should say after me...`I was unfair to Cyst'.

			MARY
		I was unfair to Cyst.

			CYST
		`Brutal'...

			MARY
		Brutal.

			CYST
		`Insensitive'...

			MARY
		Insensitive.

			CYST
		`Dogmatic'...

			MARY
		Dogmatic.

			CYST
		`Exploitative'...

			MARY
		Exploitative.

			CYST
		`Mean'...

			MARY
		Mean?

			CYST
		`Mean'.

			MARY
		Mean.

			CYST
		`And an indifferent and uninventive lover'.

			MARY
		What?  Oh all right.

			CYST
		Say it.

			MARY
		An indifferent and uninventive lover.  You don't have to show me up.  Is that all?  Cyst?

			CYST
		I forgive you.  I forgive you for being a lush, an opportunist and a loud-mouthed bully.

			MARY
		I know, baby, I know.  It's true, I know, I know.

			CYST
		Stay on your knees.  Repent......

			MARY
		Oh I do, I do.  I'm lost without you, lover.  My life's gone all dry, like wire.   Cyst...take me with you.  Don't leave me.  Let me come with you...let me in, Cyst...let me in...please...

Weird sound and bright light.

CYST is standing in the doorway in a suit, and wearing a hat, ALISON standing behind him.

They enter...and burst out laughing.  CYST doffs his hat, places it merrily on ALISON'S head.

			MARTIN
		Cyst?

			JACK
		Cyst!

			MARTIN
		Cyst!

			MURIEL
		No - not Cyst.  Francis.

			MARTIN & JACK
		Francis?

			CYST
		That is my name.  Please don't call me Cyst.  I have no cyst.  Or, to be accurate, I have a small cyst.  Which is benign.

He sits, crosses a leg.  MARY is sick in the pond.

			JACK
		Is it really you Cyst...I mean Brian...ah... Francis?  I don't get it.

			MURIEL
		(To CYST)  Your goldfish died, dear.  We had to put him down the lavvy.

			CYST
		Farewell, Frederick!

			ALISON
		Is Mary all right?

MARY staggers to his feet, coughing.

			MARY
		You real?

			CYST
		Of course.

			MARY
		Where were you?  I thought you were in that pond for Christ's sake!

			CYST
		I was.  It was finally and overtly apparent to me that I meant nothing to you as you never lost an opportunity to humiliate me as publicly as possible.  And since the only human relationship I had ever been able to sustain was with someone whom I now saw to be base, I concluded that I, too, as I had always suspected, was of no value whatsoever.  I decided to follow Virginia's example.

			MARY
		Virginia Woolf?  You hate all those cock-suckers!  Anyway...anyway...how come if you drowned yourself you're sitting here in a Tommy Hilfiger suit?

			CYST
		The water wasn't deep enough.

			MARY
		So?

			CYST
		It's a long story.

			MARY
		Don't make it too long.

			MURIEL
		Mary...

			MARY
		Jesus Christ, I been out of my mind.  I thought you were dead!

He cries.

			MURIEL
		Ohh!  (She gives him a handkerchief from CYST'S breast pocket.)

			MARY
		Cyst...

			CYST
		Please call me Francis.

			MARY
		Francis?  Your name's not Francis, it's fucking Jeffrey.

			CYST
		I have been renamed.

			MARY
		Who by?

			CYST
		By myself.  I have renamed myself.  A new name to go with my new self.  I have been reborn.

ALISON claps.

			MARY
		All right Miss Mouth, so where do you figger in this?  (He grabs ALISON.)  I've been having the pond dragged for fuck's sake!

			CYST
		Mary, release that woman!

MARY, surprised, does so.

			CYST
		I took assertion therapy.  The intensive course.

			MARY
		How much?

			CYST
		A thousand pounds.  (MARY groans.)

		It WAS intensive.

			MARY
		You're not kidding!  (To ALISON)  This your idea?

			MARTIN
		Leave it, Mary.  Why go on the turn?  He's back!  And you started it, waving your weapon in my bird's face.

			ALISON
		Martin I do not need you to do the big protection act.

			MARTIN
		Oh great.

			MARY
		Right...Sir fucking Lancelot.  Watch it, baby, you're just the scoop of vanilla for Frau Culture-Vulture here...

			ALISON
		Whereas you are the aristocracy of chic.  Tell me, what is supposed to be so thrilling about a set of shacks with a half-assed chicken house theatre the size of a public convenience?

She moves aside as MARTIN and JACK help MURIEL repack her basket.

			ALISON
		If you really are who you say you are I could get you a Booker Prize in six months!  I'm trying to do you a favour for God's sake!

Silence.

			MARY
		(To CYST)  What happened?

Silence.

			ALISON
		Francis came to my room to apologise.  We talked, and I drove him up to town.

Pause.

			MARY
		Well, well.   Well, well, well.

			MURIEL
		(Anxious)  Mary, don't break the furniture.

MARY walks up and down.  And then turns on CYST.

			MARY
		Who would have believed it?  Fucking sea-green incorruptible - all it takes is two seconds of sweet talk.  What happened to your head?  I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

He goes.

			MARTIN
		I think we should leave.

			ALISON
		We'll talk about it.  (They go inside.)

Pause.

			JACK
		Nice night.  Wonder if they're biting.

			CYST
		(Gives MURIEL her basket)  Oh, Muriel, you're wearing your Erté cloak!

			MURIEL
		We were going to bury you in it.

CYST reacts with pleasure, then realises the import of this and blenches.

			MURIEL
		All right, dear?

			CYST
		(Sad)  No.  It's starting to wear off already.  The course.  They didn't tell you that.

			JACK
		What are you going to do?

			CYST
		I don't know, Jack.

			MURIEL
		Why not sleep on it?  (She rises)  But do remember, it doesn't matter who you're with.  Just so long as it's someone.  You don't have to like them all the time.  (She moves off, pauses)  My mother could be very spiteful, I wasted so much time resenting her.  (Walks off)  Now she's gone.  (Exits.)

			JACK
		Time for kip?

			CYST
		I'll just watch the bats over the water.

			JACK
		OK, mate.  Good to see you.

			CYST
		Thanks.  Goodnight.

JACK moves off, stops and turns.

			JACK
		Mary's been very rough, you know.  (Exits.)

Pause.  MARY enters.

			MARY
		We're out of tea and Seven-Up.

Pause.

			CYST
		About the money - for the course -

			MARY
		Forget it.  Half of it's yours anyway.

Pause.  CYST picks at the crease in his trousers.

			CYST
		It wasn't worth it.  Just another nest of adders.  (Pause.)
			MARY
		I thought you were dead.

Pause.

			CYST
		Pretty hysterical thing to do.

			MARY
		No, you were right.

			CYST
		I am calmer.  (MARY pours himself a generous drink.)  Don't, I'll only have to clean up after you.

MARY puts down the glass.

			MARY
		(Short pause)  Were you...thinking of staying?

			CYST
		I don't know.

			MARY
		This is your home.  (CYST looks away.)  You don't get on with strangers.  (Takes a drink.)

CYST smooths his trouser leg absently.

			CYST
		Maybe I should try living alone.

			MARY
		You'd go funny.  Don't turn me away, Cyst.  (Drinks.)

			CYST
		You can't even call me by my right name!

			MARY
		Sorry.  Jeffrey.

			CYST
		If you didn't drink so much!

			MARY
		Why not?  Conscious, daily demolition...who dreamed up that sweet notion?  I crumble, therefore I am.

			CYST
		Same for all of us.

			MARY
		Perhaps if you didn't hate yourself you could stand getting old.

			CYST
		Don't.  (As MARY refills his glass and drinks.)  I might as well leave.

			MARY
		No.

			CYST
		A woman has only to set foot on that forecourt -
			MARY
		I don't want a woman!

			CYST
		Yes you do.

			MARY
		That was a long time ago.

			CYST
		You called me by her name last week.

			MARY
		When?

			CYST
		In bed.

Pause.

			MARY
		Skin like a pearl.  Hair like a roomful of gold from the Brothers' Grimm - even the fluff under her arms was pale.  I ruined peoples' lives for that woman.

			CYST
		Mary -

			MARY
		Know what she really liked...her idea of the life of the soul?  Karaoke.

			CYST
		It was just sex, Mary.

			MARY
		Sex?  You kidding?  Every time we screwed she had her head turned to the bloody video - oh Christ, I'm going to be sick again.

			CYST
		Mind the irises.

MARY is sick again.  CYST gets blue paper from the roll, and sponges him down.

			MARY
		You shouldn't do that.  You shouldn't have to clear up after me.

			CYST
		It's better than leaving it to dry.  Come on.

MARY groans.  `At the Window'...low.

			CYST
		You feeling bad?

			MARY
		It's this pain again.  D'you think it's prostate - I'm not old enough for that, am I?

			CYST
		It's the drink.

			MARY
		I don't even care for it.  Damn bad for you.

		You going to roll me something sweet?

			CYST
		(Helping him inside)  I'm going to roll you into your bed.

Fade lights to black.  The music of `At the Window'.

ACT TWO - SCENE TWO

MARTIN enters with a tray containing a bottle of champagne and two glasses.  He is followed by JACK bearing a pink, white and gold painted hip bath, full of foam.

			JACK
		Where does he want this?

MARTIN points down centre.

MARY enters in a t-shirt and chinos.  He bears a tray.

			MARY
		Finished?

			MARTIN
		Yuh.

			MARY
		OK.  Thanks.

They go.

MARY tests the water in the bath with his elbow, pours in scent, bathsalts...gives a piercing whistle.

			CYST
		(Off)  Coming.  (He enters in a beautiful robe.)

			MARY
		You look like a summer morning.

			CYST
		Thank you.  (He gets into the bath, closes his eyes.)  Oh, it's lovely.

MARY sprinkles him with rose petals.

			MARY
		June roses.  What is it Vanya says?  Autumn roses... mournful autumn roses...

			CYST
		(Correcting him lazily)  Exquisite, mournful roses...

			MARY
		Then he takes to the gun.

			CYST
		He doesn't shoot anyone.  He misses.

			MARY
		A certain amount of cheating on Chekhov's part.  Stand up.

			CYST
		I can't.  How can I?

			MARY
		What's the matter?

			CYST
		I told you I didn't want to come out here!

			MARY
		So who's looking?  If they are they're in for a treat.  Oh, see to yourself!  I'm never allowed to enjoy -

He walks away.

			CYST
		Mary, I can't reach my duck.

			MARY
		Fuck your duck.

Slight pause.

			CYST
		You are silly.

			MARY
		If you say so.

			CYST
		Good.  That's something we agree on.  (Plays with foam.)

			MARY
		I  could try to change.  (CYST gives him a look.)  Do you think I could?

			CYST
		Don't ask me, ask yourself.

			MARY
		No.  Pretty hopeless.  Me and you.  The two of us.  Together.

			CYST
		Stop trailing your coat, Mary.

MARY crosses, gives CYST his duck.  CYST plays with the duck.  MARY stands over him.

			CYST
		(Looks up)  Are you in a hurry?

			MARY
		No, no.  Carry on.  (He walks away.  CYST continues to mess about.  MARY approaches again...hovers.)

			CYST
		Mary, what is it?  Whatever it is, say it...you're beginning to unnerve me.

			MARY
		I don't know how to say it.  (He moves away again.)

			CYST
		What is it?  What have you been up to?

			MARY
		Nothing.

			CYST
		Is it the bookmaker?

			MARY
		No!

			CYST
		You can tell me.  (Short pause)  It can't be that terrible.  Can it?

		Oh Mary, what have you done?

			MARY
		(Dashes to the side of the bath and kneels.)  Cyst, will you do me the honour of marrying me, I promise to love and cherish you for the rest of my life and all my worldly goods, don't answer at once think about it take as long as you like if the answer's no I'll understand I'm no catch I know and you could do better for yourself but I love you.

Silence.  CYST rises slowly, puts out a hand.

			CYST
		Help me out, please.

MARY wraps him in a towel with discreet reverence.

			MARY
		Well?

			CYST
		Well what?

			MARY
		What's your answer?

			CYST
		I'll give it to you in the morning.

			MARY
		It's morning now.

			CYST
		Tomorrow morning.

			MARY
		Tomorrow morning?  I can't wait that long!

			CYST
		(Ratty)  Oh all right, yes.

They embrace.  ALISON enters.

			ALISON
		Hullo, could I talk to you if it's not a bad moment.  Is it a bad moment?

			MARY
		Yes.

			CYST
		(Together)  Yes.

			ALISON
		Oh, sorry.  It was just that Francis and I had such a fruitful talk on the train coming up -

			MARY
		Congratulate me!

			ALISON
		Why?

			MARY
		I'm getting married.

			ALISON
		Oh?  (Swift look to CYST for his reaction.)  Who to?

			CYST
		Me.

			ALISON
		Sorry?

			CYST
		We're engaged.

			MARY
		Cyst has done me the honour of accepting my hand.  He's consented to be my wife.

			ALISON
		Oh.  Oh?  Oh!  Ah.  Well...congratulations... my very best wishes to you both...am I the first to know?  Marvellous... fantastic...this is great.  Are you kidding?

			MARY
		No.

			ALISON
		No.  Right.  Smashing...no, stunning - no, I mean it.  (She embraces them.)

			CYST
		Thank you.

			ALISON
		I can see that it's probably not the moment to bring up the programme - on the other hand, given your news...  Mary, I don't know if Francis mentioned it, but I saw my people when I was in town and they're definitely interested in building a show around you.  It's too early to talk further than a pilot, but Marcus, that's my Controller, is very hot, so it would be a question of moving fairly swiftly into format, if that's OK.  Actually, if you've got a mo I did a few roughs.  I mean, you're welcome to bring things of your own, but you'll find it helpful to fall back on our experience...we have our uses.

			MARY
		You do, you do.

			ALISON
		Why don't I fetch them down?  (Turns at the door.)  The bread situation could be fairly intriguing.  In terms of network, residuals, spin-off, cable, foreign rights...you name it!  See you!  (She goes.)

MARY turns, gives CYST a champagne glass, opens the champagne and pours.

			CYST
		You had it ready!

			MARY
		To you.

			CYST
		(They drink.)  You must have been pretty sure of me.

			MARY
		I just wanted the scenario to be right if you said yes.  To my bride.

			CYST
		Ooh, straight up my nose.

			MARY
		Come on.

			CYST
		(Follows, then stops short)  Oh...

			MARY
		What is it?

			CYST
		The ring.  My engagement ring.  Where's my ring?

			MARY
		Nearly forgot.  (He pushes a ring on CYST'S finger.)

			CYST
		Oh, Mary!  (Embracing MARY, he regards his own hand draped around MARY'S neck.)  Just a minute.

			MARY
		What's the matter?  What's up?

			CYST
		I know this ring.  It's Muriel's fiancé's signet ring.

			MARY
		She wants you to have it.

			CYST
		(Looks down at the ring, then)  Oh all right.

He goes, followed by MARY.  Pause.  ALISON enters...looks about.

			ALISON
		Damn.  (Goes inside again.)

ACT TWO - SCENE THREE

Bright sunshine.  MARTIN and JACK enter, dressed up for the wedding.  JACK carries a huge, beautiful arrangement of white lilies.

			JACK
		Fell off the back of a hearse.  Not a word to Cyst - don't want another funeral.

MURIEL enters, wheeling a huge, tiered cake on a trolley.

			MURIEL
		You don't think I've gone too far?

			MARTIN
		Fantastic.  Pure Ludwig of Bavaria.

			JACK
		Cyst'll love it.

MURIEL, happy, wheels the cake inside.  MARTIN and JACK bring out the seating for the wedding, and a small dais.  They sit down, with cans of beer.

			JACK
		How was the gig in Weymouth - make anything?

			MARTIN
		Nah - free Festival.  Just, you know - (JACK looks baffled) bit of body-painting - existential juggling -

			JACK
		What's that?

			MARTIN
		No balls.

Silence.

			MARTIN
		Alison thinks I'm nuts.

			JACK
		Yeah?

			MARTIN
		Says I'm a romantic.  Reckons I'd get a real rucking from her women friends.  Which is odd since the ones she's introduced me to have all tried to go to bed with me.

			JACK
		Ah, knock it on the head.

			MARTIN
		(Reverently)  You've seen her ass, Jack.

They jump as ALISON, dressed for the wedding, appears with decorations.  They are in the way so go inside.  ALISON arranges the decorations as MURIEL wanders by with a trug of flowers.  ALISON cuts her off.

			ALISON
		Stunning flowers.

MURIEL smiles, moves away..

ALISON pursues her.

			ALISON
		Muriel, do you know them well?

			MURIEL
		Of course!  I grew them all myself.

			ALISON
		I meant Mary and Francis.

MURIEL tries to move off.

			ALISON
		How long have you known them?

MARY comes out in a white towelling bath-robe.

			MARY
		Mu?

ALISON, seeing that she is not wanted, goes inside.

			MARY
		Do you think I'm doing the right thing here?  Tying myself down?

			MURIEL
		My dear.  (They walk.)  All I know is - it's usually better than the alternative.

MARY stops.  MURIEL stands on tiptoe, kisses him on the cheek.  They stand, holding hands.

			MARY
		Thanks, Muriel.  I got a fit of the wobbles there.

			MURIEL
		Everyone does.
She looks up at him smiling.

			MARY
		Thanks for everything.

He bends to kiss her hand.  She jerks it away abruptly.

			MARY
		What is it, doll?  What's the matter?

			MURIEL
		It isn't correct, Mary.  Only married women get their hands kissed.  I'm not married.

She goes inside.  MARY is nonplussed.  Then follows her inside.  Jimmy Yancey music.  Which becomes sumptuous Handel.

ALISON and MURIEL appear, take their seats.  The opening of `Here Comes the Bride', quickly aborted.

MARY comes out, elegant in Armani and satin tie.  He is very nervous.  ALISON rises, sets him in the right spot before the small dais.

They wait.

And wait.

And there is a sudden very loud burst of music - Zadok the Priest.  MARTIN and JACK appear and pick up leafy branches from each side of the door, hold them to make an arch.

CYST appears in the doorway.  He wears a pale cream wedding dress, low-waisted, trimmed with lace and satin, head-dress low on the brow, straight narrow skirt with train a la Twenties.  He carries a sheaf of Easter lilies and steps forward, composed and grave and approaches MARY'S side.  ALISON steps in behind him carrying a small bouquet as bridesmaid.  CYST wavers - ALISON takes his bouquet.

MARTIN takes his place on the dais, carrying a prayer book.

			MARTIN
		Dearly beloved...we are gathered together here, in the sight of God, to join together this man, and this man, in holy matrimony...

MURIEL coughs and sniffs.

			MARTIN
		...which is an honourable estate, instituted by God in the times of man's innocency, and is not by any (raises his voice as MURIEL begins to sob) to be enterprised lightly or wantonly, but reverently and discreetly, advisedly and soberly - Muriel, what's the matter?

MURIEL is now sobbing uncontrollably.

			ALISON
		Carolle, are you all right?

			JACK
		Mu?

			CYST
		Hortense?

MURIEL accepts a large handkerchief, and tries to stop, shaking her head sadly.

			CYST
		Oh Hortense!

MARY cuddles MURIEL.  The spasm comes to an end.

			MURIEL
		My dears, can you ever forgive me?  Whatever happened - what came over me?  I'm so very sorry.  To interrupt at such a moment -

			MARY
		That's OK, babe.

			CYST
		You were always so wonderfully emotional, Hortense.

			MURIEL
		I'm a fool.

			MARY
		No you're not.

			MURIEL
		You've been so good to me.  When I retired from nursing, I thought my life was over.  Instead, when you came, my life began.

			MARY
		You cured Cyst's warts, first week we were here.

			MURIEL
		Forgive me.  I've not been myself these last few days.  I've been afraid it's all over.

			MARY
		What do you mean?

			MURIEL
		(With a quick glance at ALISON)  If you're away a lot.

			CYST
		We're not going away.  This is our home.

			JACK
		I'm not going anywhere.

			MURIEL
		I'm so sorry.  I've never really liked weddings -not since my darling Ronald fell out of the sky.  I miss him so much.  (She puts a gloved hand on CYST'S arm.)  Forgive me, Mary.  It's just that I've never known rapture.  It leaves a gap.

Silence.  CYST cuddles MURIEL, who looks very small.

			MARY
		(Calls)  Marty...(They confer, apart.  MARY beckons to CYST, they confer.  CYST looks surprised, thinks...then nods soberly.)

MARY and CYST stand, side by side...now facing downright, instead of up left.  MARTIN stands, facing them upstage.  MARY indicates MURIEL to stand on his other side.

			MARTIN
		Dearly beloved...I'll get straight to it.  Do you, Aunt Mary, take Francis - and Hortensia -

			MURIEL
		(As light dawns)  Oh!  (She smiles up at AUNT MARY.  JACK swiftly takes the small bouquet from ALISON, thrusts it in MURIEL'S hands.)

			MARTIN
		- to be your lawful wedded wives?

			MARY
		I do.  And I do.

			MARTIN
		Do you, Hortensia and Francis - Muriel and Cyst - take Aunt Mary to be your lawful wedded husband?

			CYST
		I do.

			MURIEL
		I do, too.

			MARTIN
		I now pronounce you man and wives.  You may kiss the brides.

MARY takes a turn, with his brides.  MARTIN throws confetti, MURIEL throws her posy to ALISON en passant, and JACK and MARTIN make an archway for the bridal exit.  The sound of bells.

ACT TWO - SCENE FOUR

The setting as before.  Some of the wedding decorations still in place.  Glasses and bottles about, and streamers...evidence of a party.

ALISON enters on her mobile.

			ALISON
		Jeremy?  Alison.  Have you got Adrian...well where is he?  Never mind.  If you see him tell him I'm at the Handsworth number...and counting.  He'll understand.

She dials again.

			ALISON
		Hullo...good morning, is Sir Marcus at home?  Alison Witherspoon.  Thank you so much. Marcus?  Hullo!  Sorry to break in on a Sunday morn, I'm trying to raise the elusive Adrian - what?  Marcus, that's very naughty...he is not a big girl's blouse, well, only on weekend.  I think you're terribly crude.  Crude and lovely.  Look, I just absolutely need your gut response on this Handsworth project.  I'm making fantastic progress!  Oh, they're playing hard to get but we all know that one.  They're dying to get out of the sticks and - hang on...oh it's only Martin.  Marcus there is one teeny thing...I mean, without going over anyone's head, this is my show...if I could just have your...oh, that's marvellous of you.  Sorry?  Oh but I'd love to!  That's an enchanting idea.  That's very special of you.  And to you.  (She makes a kissing sound, replaces receiver.  To MARTIN)  It's in the bag!  (Goes inside.)

Slight pause.  JACK enters, jaunty, till the light hits him.

			JACK
		Aw!  Aw...must have been all that head-banging.

			MARTIN
		(In pain)  No.  Jack Daniels.

CYST enters, in a new negligee, with a very large box of chocolates.  He is humming...proffers chocolates, JACK and MARTIN shake their heads.  CYST settles on the swing seat with a glossy magazine.  Short pause.

MARY staggers on in vest and pyjama bottoms and very dark glasses.  He groans.

			CYST
		(Without looking up)  Do you want some Andrews?

MARY groans.

			CYST
		You've only yourself to blame.

			MARY
		What was I on, for Christ's sake?
			CYST
		You started with the punch.

			MARY
		(Groans)  That was for the band...

			CYST
		...then sidecars with Muriel and myself, Carlesburg with the curry, champagne for the toasts - that fizzy red stuff -

			MARY
		All right, all right, no need to be so fucking unctuous -

			CYST
		Unctuous?  I hadn't an unctuous thought in my head.

MARY mutters.  CYST picks up a new magazine, reads.  JACK crosses, inspects his line, rebaits and waits by the pool for a bite.

			CYST
		Oh no!

			MARY
		What?

			CYST
		Listen to this.  `By taking the'...hold on, I've lost the place...no, that's right...I was there...`by taking the temperature of the sky'...

			MARY
		The what?

			CYST
		The sky!  (Starts again, patiently)  `By taking the temperature of the sky, scientists have deduced that the Milky Way is moving at an Unexpectedly High Speed'!

			MARY
		So?

			CYST
		The sky...at high speed!  Ohh!

			MARY
		Look, buck up or shut up.  I am getting serious surge to the head.

			CYST
		The Big-Bang theory!  The Pope settled for Big-Bang twenty years ago, it fits in with Genesis.

			MARY
		Stuff the Pope.

			CYST
		Mary!  I may be lapsed but I'm not having that.

			MARY
		Fuck off.

			CYST
		And stop saying fuck!  You blur the meaning of a transcendental experience, donated by God for our delight and the procreation of -

			MARY
		All right, all right.

			CYST
		I don't think my stance over damn's unreasonable, and I'll tolerate bollocks -

			MARY
		You've made your point.

			CYST
		- not bloody, which -

			MARY
		Cyst...!

			CYST
		- you know very well to be a contraction of By Our Lady, thus to a Catholic, even a lapsed Catholic...(He fetches up on the floor as MARY blows a gasket.)

		You...are nothing but a cruel, vicious bully.

			MARY
		Assholes.

			CYST
		Serve you right if I had drowned.

			MARY
		Bollocks.

			CYST
		(Sweetly)  Morning, Hortense.

MURIEL enters.  MARY buries his head in a magazine.

			CYST
		She heard that, didn't you, Hortense?

			MURIEL
		(Innocent)  What dear?  Oh, thank you Mary.  (As MARY arranges cushions for her.)

			MARY
		One of my wives loves me.

			CYST
		Piss off.

ALISON enters.

			ALISON
		Good morning, good morning.  Fantastic news.  I've just spoken to Adrian on the telephone!

			MARY
		Oh yeah?

			ALISON
		They're over the moon!  I didn't know you were cult figures with the cognoscenti top brass - Martin, why didn't you tell me?

			MARTIN
		(In pain)  What?

			ALISON
		It's looking good - oh, by the way, who's your agent?

			CYST
		Agent?

			ALISON
		Don't you have an agent - a literary agent?

			CYST
		No.

			ALISON
		My God, you'll be flayed alive.  You'll need someone to handle your performance side - I'll ring Rodney - I can't promise, but I'll twist his arm.  Do you mind if I take a few pics?

			MURIEL
		Oh, thank you dear.  (She sits up straight, pats her hair.)

ALISON takes pictures.

			ALISON
		This is great!

			MARY
		(Cool)  Yeah?

			ALISON
		I'm just getting a composite together.  To give people the feel of your set-up.  (She crosses, stands on a stone, surveys the scene.)  Just think...five years from now you could have a thousand seater here, with restaurant complex - another Glyndbourne, without the draggy bits.  Of course, all this will have to go.  Is that big field yours?  The one with the flowers?

			JACK
		Yeah.

			ALISON
		There you are, there's your car park.  By the way, Adrian wants to come down and meet you.

She stands over MARY, who squints up at her.

			MARY
		You really do have great legs, baby.

			ALISON
		(Smiles)  Thanks.  He's free on Thursday.  What about Thursday?

			MURIEL
		Ooh, I forgot!  I've brought the honeymoon brochures.  I'm afraid Greece will be very hot.

			CYST
		Let's wait for winter...go back to Jamaica.  Oh, Hortense, wait till you see!  Palm trees dipping ...pelicans skimming - remember the picnic on the shore, Mary?

			MARY
		You bet.

			CYST
		Elgar's Shed music on the platter...

			MARY
		Rack of lamb burning slow...(he gets up, stretches.)

		I'm feeling better.

He helps himself to some chocolates.

			ALISON
		A friend of mine has a duplex on an island in the Gulf - you fly to Tampa, rent a car from there.  Believe me, you're going to need a getaway spot if this takes off.  Which it will - once we get the hype going.  I said I'd call him back.

			MARY
		Who?

			ALISON
		Adrian.  My boss.  About coming up to see you.  For a rap.  Mary?

			MARY
		(Points to CYST)  He's the boss.

			ALISON
		Really?  I thought - Cyst?  Do I have your permission?

			CYST
		(At the chocolates)  Sorry?

			ALISON
		I want to bring some people to talk to you.  There's no need to lay anything on...they can take us out to eat for Christ's sake...it's all on the Beeb.

			CYST
		Chocolate?

			ALISON
		No thanks.  Is it on?  I need to call him back.

CYST crosses, offers MURIEL the chocolates.

			MURIEL
		Thank you, dear.  May I have the cluster?

			ALISON
		Mary, this is serious!

			MARTIN
		Alison...

			ALISON
		Shut up.

			MARTIN
		Alison!

			JACK
		I got one, I got one, I got one!

			CYST
		Jack!  You angler!  (Giggles.)

			JACK
		It's a big 'un, look at the size of it!

			MARY
		Great!

			ALISON
		Look, I'm trying to set something up for you.

			MURIEL
		Let me see, dear.

			JACK
		Biggest one yet, I tell you that.

			MURIEL
		Oh, poor thing.  Put it out of its misery.

			JACK
		Oh 'eck.  (Throws it back.)

			MARY
		River fish, Jack.  They're never good eating.

			JACK
		I think it's the one I caught last week.

			MURIEL
		Swish, swish...go on, wriggle.

			ALISON
		Please.  Look will somebody talk some sense?  I need to know.  Forgive me for spoiling Sunday brunch, but this is important.

			MARTIN
		Mary, d'you mind?

			MARY
		OK.  As a favour to you, kid.  Alison.

			ALISON
		Yes Mary?  (She smiles, in anticipation.)

			MARY
		The answer's no.

			ALISON
		No?  Why?

			MARY
		Take too long.

			ALISON
		But...look, I'm doing you a favour.

			MARY
		Our thanks.

			ALISON
		Tell me what the problem is, I'm sure we can fix it.  Francis said in the car coming up -

			MARY
		I should forget that conversation.

			ALISON
		That's all very well.  Francis was speaking for himself.  He'd like to travel.  With money... facilities...his life could expand.  Do you think it fair to deny him that?  We want to feature you!  Look, if you're worried about the personal appearance side, don't be.  We get scriptwriters in - it's all done on auto-cue, you read it off a screen.

Silence.

			ALISON
		Francis, I'm offering you the world.  Have you the courage, the imagination to take it?  You're very, very talented.  You owe something to that.

CYST looks to MARY.

			MARY
		Well?  Answer the lady.

CYST shrugs helplessly.

			MARY
		What's the matter, cat got your tongue?

			CYST
		I don't know!  What do you want me to say?

			MARY
		Say what you like.

			ALISON
		I think we should hear Cyst's point of view.  I happen to know what he feels.

			MARY
		Well?

			CYST
		They were very nice to me.  They took me to tea in Fortnums.

			MARY
		Bully for you.

			CYST
		And the opera.

		Fledermaus.

			MARY
		You were always anybody's.

			CYST
		You say yourself, Mary, that I'm holding you back.

MARY turns, walks away.

			CYST
		If you want it.

MARY turns, looks at him, walks further away.

			CYST
		Whatever you want.

MARY turns, looks across at him.  Slight pause.

			MARY
		And what do you want?

A long pause.  They regard each other.

			CYST
		You know what I want.

			MARY
		(Looks at him soberly, then crosses to ALISON, puts his hands on her shoulders.)  Alison...

			ALISON
		Yes?

			MARY
		Alison...why don't you go and make a baby with old Marty here.

			ALISON
		What?  (Decides to laugh.)  You are a big tease.

			MARTIN
		Leave it, Mary.  (To ALISON)  The answer's no, Alison...stop being thick.

			ALISON
		Cyst?

			CYST
		Muriel?

MURIEL ponders.

			MURIEL
		`The violet in the mountain has split the rock.'

			MARY
		Tennessee Williams.  One to me.

			CYST
		She's still winning.

			ALISON
		Excuse me.  I mean - is that it?

MURIEL smiles up at her politely.

			MARY
		Seems like it, babes.

			ALISON
		Is that your final decision?  Have you discussed it, fully?  You're beyond me.  Why ponce about here when you could come in?  (Pause)  Look -I'm offering you the world - talent means nothing these days, it's presentation - I can get that for you.  People would piss blood.  Well.  If that's the situation.  I'll leave my number, in case you...though I must tell you that the offer may not last.  Martin, I'd like to leave.

			MARTIN
		I'll see you off.

			ALISON
		Are you staying?

			MARTIN
		I want to talk to Mary.

			ALISON
		What about?

She grabs a book, writes her telephone number on the flyleaf, making CYST hiss.

			ALISON
		(Looks at the cover of the book.)  Oh, Proust.  There's a marvellous new translation, Mary... I'll drop it in next time I'm passing.  (She smiles and goes with MARTIN.)

JACK fishes.  CYST takes another chocolate.  MURIEL delves into her embroidery bag for another skein of silk.

			MURIEL
		(Sighs)  I'm so sick of that egg-shell blue in my bedroom.

			MARY
		Change it.

			MURIEL
		I did think of apricot.

			CYST
		(Head in a book)  Not with that lino.

			MARY
		Lino?  Bugger lino.  It's wall to wall for you, my girl.

			MURIEL
		Oh, get away.

			MARY
		You're a married woman now, Mu.  There's a roll of beige Wilton left over from She Stoops - how about it?

			MURIEL
		I don't want to start getting soft, Mary.

			MARY
		(Rises)  And there speaks the puritan history of this country of ours, wife.  Which brings on a notion - luncheon, anyone?

			MARTIN
		Yes!

			JACK
		You bet!

			MARY
		I can offer Surprise d'Agneau de Muriel... haricots verts, carottes mignonnes, et pommes natures.  With a Cotes du Rhone.

			CYST
		Evian for you.

			MARY
		(Turns, surveying his kingdom.  Et pourquoi pas, my dear knight?  (Embracing the audience)  Why not?

THE END.