CHÉRI

a play for radio by Pam Gems

from the writings of Colette

Copyright © Pam Gems
Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. 

All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

CHÉRI

CAST

Léa de Lonval - a stylish woman in her late forties/early fifties.

Chéri - Frédéric Peloux - her godson and lover.

Rose - Léa's elderly maid.

Le Vicomte Desmond - Chéri's friend.

Masseau - Léa's friend and ex-lover.

Charlotte Peloux - Chéri's mother.

The Baroness de la Berche - old friend and colleague of Léa's, a gaunt, masculine woman in her fifties.

Aldonza - old friend and colleague of Léa's, an ageing dancer suffering from arthritis.

Edmée - young and comely.

CHÉRI

Birdsong.  Music, and down.

			LÉA (At a distance)
		Anything interesting in the paper?

			CHÉRI (Close)
		Blue Mimosa's fancied for Longchamps.  The Aga Khan has a new little friend.  (Pause.  He turns a page.)

			LÉA (Mutters)
		Twenty-four francs for an owl feather duster?!

			CHÉRI
		Hector says the feathers are easier on the paintings.  He's worried about the impasto.

			LÉA
		The thing about paying bills is - it's unacceptable.

			CHÉRI
		I agree - hey!  Venezuelan Silver - up 30 points!

			LÉA (Joins him)
		Never.  Let me see.  Good heavens.

 			CHÉRI
		We must sell - now!

			LÉA
		Hang on - if they've found a new silver lode the price could go up and up -

			CHÉRI
		So we hang on - ?

			LÉA
		Or it could be a rumour.

			CHÉRI
		Possibly deliberate.  Do we off-load now?

			LÉA
		Let's keep some -

			CHÉRI
		And sell some.  How much?

			LÉA
		Half?

			CHÉRI
		A quarter.  It's worth a punt.

			LÉA
		All right.  Sell a quarter of the holding.  And take off my pearls.

			CHÉRI
		Why?  They suit me.

			LÉA
		Take them off, you'll ruin the clasp.

The sound of the door as he goes out to telephone.

			LÉA
		Idiot.  (She hums happily to herself.)

			CHÉRI
		(Distant)  Haussmann 245.  Monsieur Perrault?  It's Chéri...oui...the Venezuelan shares...oui, oui...she says a quarter...à bientôt, merci.

The sound of the door as he returns.

			CHÉRI
		You realise how much we'll make?

			LÉA
		By selling a quarter?  Two hundred thousand francs.

			CHÉRI
		And with luck, more tomorrow...enough for a Bugatti!

			LÉA
		No.

			CHÉRI
		Why not?

			LÉA
		You'll kill yourself.

			CHÉRI
		Point taken.  A Suiza then, and Chanel for you.

			LÉA
		Chanel?  I'll look like a tennis player.

			CHÉRI
		Good!  Chef says have you looked at tonight's menu?

			LÉA
		Here.  I've taken off the creme surprise, it's too hot, anyway eggs give you spots, they can have sorbets.

			CHÉRI
		There was a message on the pad.  Madame - Fatiniza?
			LÉA
		Oh, that'll be Nizza.

			CHÉRI
		Who's Nizza?

			LÉA
		Nizza!  You must have heard of Nizza, she was on every poster in Paris at one time.

			CHÉRI
		Oh, that old bag.

			LÉA
		Nizza's not old!  You should have seen her in the saddle - (sighs, reminiscent) - Nizza and her ponies - Blanche and her parakeets.

			CHÉRI
		What happened to her - with or without the -

			LÉA
		Ask your mother.  She and Blanche were charioteers together.

			CHÉRI
		You never told me that.

			LÉA
		Four horses apiece!  Well, till the collision.

He laughs.  Stretches and yawns.  Then a long sigh.

			LÉA
		What's the matter?

			CHÉRI
		Nothing.

			LÉA
		If you don't stop chewing your nails I'll send you back to your mother.

			CHÉRI
		Will you do them for me?

			LÉA
		All right.  Fetch my case.

			CHÉRI
		You wouldn't send me back to Madame Peloux, would you?  Undo all the good work?  Ow!

			LÉA
		Keep still.

			CHÉRI
		Ow!

			LÉA
		Coward.

			CHÉRI
		She misses you.

			LÉA
		Charlotte?

			CHÉRI
		She says the poker table's not the same.

			LÉA
		Then she shouldn't be so quick with the insults.

			CHÉRI
		You'll be back.

			LÉA
		No I won't.  I'm tired of the lot of them.

			CHÉRI
		You like the Baroness.

			LÉA
		Oh I didn't mean Hortense.

			CHÉRI
		Aldonza's a joke, and old Masseau -

			LÉA
		Leave him alone, he's a dear friend.

			CHÉRI
		Old spaniel, you mean.

			LÉA
		Masseau was divinely good-looking once.

			CHÉRI
		(Instantly jealous)  Oh was he!

			LÉA
		Well, passable.  Not as good-looking as you.

			CHÉRI
		He's a shit.  Last week Marie-Louise was his partner -

			LÉA
		Marie-Louise?  What was Marie-Louise doing at your mother's, you didn't tell me.

			CHÉRI
		Forgot.

			LÉA
		Madame Cobra.  Another one trying to pass off her own daughter as her sister - you know she's got a daughter?

			CHÉRI
		I had heard.

			LÉA
		I know I've got you.  Still.

			CHÉRI
		What are you talking about, I'm not your son.

The chair scrapes loudly as he moves away abruptly.

			LÉA
		What's the matter?

			CHÉRI
		Nothing.

			LÉA
		If you're bored, go for a walk.

			CHÉRI
		Oh, brilliant idea.

			LÉA
		Take a break.

			CHÉRI
		Where?

			LÉA
		I don't know - Spain - Italy?

			CHÉRI
		On my own?

			LÉA
		I can't leave the hotel just now.  Take Desmond, he's a hamper of fun.

			CHÉRI
		Leave Desmond alone.  He's the only friend I've got.

			LÉA
		So you're lunching with your mother again?

			CHÉRI
		Yes.

			LÉA
		Why?

			CHÉRI
		That's my business.

			LÉA
		Absolutely.

			CHÉRI
		I don't ask about your private life.

			LÉA
		Only because you're not interested.

			CHÉRI
		I happen to have some discretion -

			LÉA
		Rubbish.  Your only interest is yourself.

			CHÉRI
		Like everybody else!

			LÉA
		No need to shout.

			CHÉRI
		I'm sorry.  Come here.

			LÉA
		(She puts an arm round him and kisses his cheek.)  Little devil.

There is a knock at the door.

			ROSE
		Madame?

			LÉA
		What is it, Rose?

			ROSE
		He's here - Monsieur Front.

			CHÉRI
		(Groans)  Oh no!  Léa - tell him to go away.

			LÉA
		I will not.

			CHÉRI
		Say I'm still in bed, Rose.

			LÉA
		That man has crossed Paris for you.  Go and get changed.

			CHÉRI
		I hate boxing!

			LÉA
		Take it out on Monsieur Front.
			CHÉRI
		Try hitting a brick wall, you mean?  (Going.)

Door.  Léa laughs, then gasps, startled.

			LÉA
		Masseau!  I do wish you wouldn't creep in like that.

			MASSEAU
		I hope the time will never come when I have to knock, Léa.

			LÉA
		Come and sit down, you look dreadful.

			MASSEAU
		That's because I haven't been to bed.

			LÉA
		Well, don't boast about it.

			MASSEAU
		We all went to the Turkish baths to recover.

			LÉA
		You look like a consignment of wet blotting paper.

			MASSEAU
		Now, now - too early for flattery.

			LÉA
		What do you want?

			MASSEAU
		It's about Friday's drag night.  Are you coming, you missed the last one.

			LÉA
		I had nothing to wear.

			MASSEAU
		Liar.

			LÉA
		Chéri fell asleep.  (Slight pause.)  Was it fun?

			MASSEAU
		Marvellous.  Old Lil danced on the table showing her privates and I won an Italian straw hat with peonies.  I shall wear it on Friday.

			LÉA
		Don't, it won't be funny - well, not funny enough.

			MASSEAU
		Everyone said I was hilarious!  They were all asking for you.
Heavy thumping from above.

			MASSEAU
		What's going on?

			LÉA
		Chéri's being physical.

			MASSEAU
		He looks well.  So do you.

			LÉA
		Oh, you always liked the decrepit.

			MASSEAU
		What does he like?

			LÉA
		Chéri?  You'd better ask him, old thing.

			MASSEAU
		I hate it when you call me that.  Sorry, I'm still as jealous as a silly boy.

			LÉA
		Not all boys are silly.

			MASSEAU
		Yes they are, I was one myself.  I must admit, he is delicious, your changeling.

			LÉA
		He is, isn't he?  (The door bursts open.)  What is it, what's the matter?  Where's Monsieur Front?

			CHÉRI
		I gave him a bloody nose.

			LÉA
		Oh bravo!

			MASSEAU
		Congratulations.

			LÉA
		You beat him - I told you if you kept up the training - you look wonderful, he hasn't marked your face at all this time - let me look at you - oh Masseau, are you going?

			MASSEAU
		Before I'm any more de trop.  Shall we see you on Friday?  The drag ball?

			LÉA
		Perhaps.

			MASSEAU
		Do try.

			CHÉRI
		We'll let you know.

			MASSEAU
		Au 'voir, then.

Slight pause.

			LÉA
		Come here.  Mmm - I see you've had a shower.

			CHÉRI
		Do I look nice?

			LÉA
		Eight dripping towels, a lake on the floor, the cologne bottle empty - enchantment.  Mmm.  (They kiss.)  You'll be late for your mother's.

			CHÉRI
		Oh God yes - where are my suede shoes?

			LÉA
		Those are fine.  (Casual)  Who'll be there?

			CHÉRI
		The same as ever - the Baroness, Aldonza... Marie-Louise...

			LÉA
		(Puzzled)  Again?

The garden bell rings, then a loud knock at the front door.

			CHÉRI
		Are you expecting someone?

			ROSE
		Madame, it's Monsieur le Vicomte for Monsieur Fred.

			CHÉRI
		Good, let him in.

			LÉA
		More excitement.

			CHÉRI
		Not as thrilling as Monsieur Masseau.

			LÉA
		Old Masseau is a rare species - male - and faithful.

			DESMOND
		Léa!  (Sounds as he kisses her hand.)  Enchanté.

			LÉA
		(Cool)  Hullo, Desmond.

			CHÉRI
		Desmond, you old goat.  I see you've taken your beard off with a spade.

			DESMOND
		Is that supposed to be funny?  My father's just refused me a loan, I could do with some support.

			LÉA
		Get him a drink.

			CHÉRI
		Oh, he can wait.  Where did you go after I left?

			DESMOND
		A few clubs - Silvie's - La Loupiote - Maxim's for a glass of port.

			LÉA
		You're getting red veins in your eyes.

			DESMOND
		After Longchamps I needed consolation.  Bloody horses.

			LÉA
		I made six hundred francs on Pietro.

			CHÉRI
		You didn't tell me!

			LÉA
		Of course not, you'd have spent it.
		Chéri's going to his mother's for lunch.

			DESMOND
		Madame Peloux?  Twice in a week?

			LÉA
		There's ris de veau here if you like, Desmond.

			CHÉRI
		I shouldn't.  New chef.

			LÉA
		Who is excellent -

			DESMOND
		Many thanks but I'm lunching with someone.

			CHÉRI
		Anyone I know?

			DESMOND
		You haven't met her.

			CHÉRI
		Aha.

			DESMOND
		What's that supposed to mean?

			LÉA
		Chéri, leave him alone.

			CHÉRI
		Why?

			LÉA
		He's in love.

			CHÉRI
		Are you?

			DESMOND
		Possibly.

			CHÉRI
		Who is she, what's she like?

			DESMOND
		Her name is Aurore and she's very young.

A crash.

			LÉA
		Dammit!

			CHÉRI
		Léa!  It's the Limoges - hang on, no chips.

			LÉA
		Thank you.  I must cut some flowers for the tables.  Excuse me.

Sound of French window door to garden.

			DESMOND
		What's the matter, what did I say?

			CHÉRI
		Nothing.  Go on about - what was her name?

			DESMOND
		Aurore.  She's eighteen.

			CHÉRI
		Eighteen, eh?  Going after fledglings -

			DESMOND
		Like you, before you got your feet under the table here.

			CHÉRI
		Rubbish.
			DESMOND
		You were having fun before you - 

			CHÉRI
		Settled down?  Sssh.  (Sound of door as he looks out for Léa.  Birdsong.  He closes the door.)

			DESMOND
		What is it, what's up?

			CHÉRI
		Nothing - keep your voice down.

			DESMOND
		Well?

			CHÉRI
		I've met someone.

			DESMOND
		You?

			CHÉRI
		Me.

			DESMOND
		Who?

			CHÉRI
		You don't know her.

			DESMOND
		What's her name?

			CHÉRI
		Edmée - and she's eighteen.

			DESMOND
		You're having me on.

			CHÉRI
		I never make jokes.

			DESMOND
		No, but you lie all the time.

			CHÉRI
		True.

			DESMOND
		Does she love you?

			CHÉRI
		Of course.

			DESMOND
		Pretty?
			CHÉRI
		Naturally.

			DESMOND
		What's she like?

			CHÉRI
		Mmm - well -

			DESMOND
		You must know something about her.

			CHÉRI
		(Thinks)  She calls me Fred.

			DESMOND
		Why?

			CHÉRI
		It's my name.

			DESMOND
		Have you - ah - ?

			CHÉRI
		No.

			LÉA
		(Enters from garden.)  Chéri?

			CHÉRI
		What?

			LÉA
		I need to talk to you.  Desmond, would you mind?

			CHÉRI
		What's the matter, is there a fire or something?

			LÉA
		Possibly.

			DESMOND
		I'm off.

			LÉA
		Thank you, Desmond.  Au 'voir.

			CHÉRI
		See you soon.

Door.

			CHÉRI
		Throwing my friends out now.

			LÉA
		Your mother's here.

			CHÉRI
		Madame Peloux?  What does she want?

			LÉA
		To see me.

			CHÉRI
		What for?

			LÉA
		I'm about to find out.  (Calls)  Rose!

			ROSE
		Madame?

			LÉA
		It is me she wants to see, not Chéri?

			ROSE
		She says you, Madame.

			CHÉRI
		Désolé.  I'm off.

			LÉA
		You might as well wait.  If you're lunching with her, she can drive you.

			CHÉRI
		I'll make my own way.

Door.

			LÉA
		Oh God.  Rose, is my face all right?

			ROSE
		Oui, Madame.

			LÉA
		Do I need any powder?

			ROSE
		No, Madame.

			LÉA
		(Sighs)  All right, show her in.

Music link.

			CHARLOTTE
		(Calls)  Léa?

			LÉA
		Hullo, Charlotte.

			CHARLOTTE
		Ah, Léa!  One look at you and everything is forgotten.

			LÉA
		Sit down.

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh, this ensemble!  So tight on the hips!  I don't think it suits me but others seem to like it.

			LÉA
		You look amazing.

			CHARLOTTE
		Really?  No, no, I don't count these days.

			LÉA
		Oh I wouldn't say that.

			CHARLOTTE
		We're not women any more.  Léa, it's finished -as it should be at our age.  All over (lowers her voice) and if you want the honest truth - I couldn't be more content.  All that fire down below?  Dead.

			LÉA
		(Cheerfully)  You won't need the hosepipe then?

			CHARLOTTE
		Léa!  You don't change.  We've missed you!

			LÉA
		Really?

			CHARLOTTE
		But I haven't come about all that.

			LÉA
		I see.

			CHARLOTTE
		(A pause)  The boy not here?

			LÉA
		On his way to you for lunch.  Cigarette?

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh I shouldn't, its bad for the heart.  I'm down to twenty a day and brandy only on Sunday - well, at home.  Our lovely Sundays, Léa - oh, we'll have them again - sooner than you think -bezique...poker...

A little silence.

			LÉA
		I really don't have the time any more.

			CHARLOTTE
		You will have - before long.  Chéri's not here?

			LÉA
		No.

			CHARLOTTE
		Good - it's about Chéri.

			LÉA
		You know, you won't believe me but I had a feeling it might be.

			CHARLOTTE
		Yes.  Well, as you know, Léa, I've always had my own style of living -

			LÉA
		You mean passing yourself off as the Chéri's sister...Telling him old Emil was his uncle, and Jaques the pimp your cousin from Bruges.

			CHARLOTTE
		To create a family atmosphere!  It's sad having no real relations.

			LÉA
		You get used to it.

			CHARLOTTE
		Yes, but I'm not like you.  At heart I'm just an old-fashioned, middle-class woman.

			LÉA
		What?

			CHARLOTTE
		So you see, Léa my dear, you can imagine my joy at having all my dreams come true.  Come here.  Let me hug you.  (She embraces Léa.)  Léa - I have some news.  Chéri -

			LÉA
		Yes?

			CHARLOTTE
		Is about to be married.

			LÉA
		(Slight pause.)  Congratulations.  Does he know?

			CHARLOTTE
		He hasn't said anything to you?

			LÉA
		No.

			CHARLOTTE
		The little beast!  Tch - keeping it all to himself - he'll make me die laughing one of these days.

			LÉA
		(Impassive)  Yes, a comedian.

			CHARLOTTE
		Well, there was no hurry - we're not getting these children wed - well, not for a month at least.

			LÉA
		Who is `we'?

			CHARLOTTE
		Marie-Louise and me, of course.

			LÉA
		Marie-Louise?  The everlastingly lovely Marie-Louise?

			CHARLOTTE
		Yes!  It's her daughter!  Edmée!

			LÉA
		Edmée?  That little thing?  What are you talking about, she's 14 years old.

			CHARLOTTE
		Was, my sweet.  Not any more.  Edmée is 18 years of age, she's a charming little thing.  (Sights)  Ah!  To see life opening up for a sweet young girl as she's entrusted to the arms of my own dear Chéri - (as Léa barks with laughter) - what are you laughing at?

			LÉA
		Life opening up for a girl handed over to Chéri?  You might as well throw a rabbit to a stoat.

			CHARLOTTE
		How can you say that?  Chéri is a kind, gentle -
			LÉA
		You'd know, would you?

			CHARLOTTE
		I am his mother.

			LÉA
		Since when?

Silence.
			LÉA
		Come on, Charlotte, there's nobody else here.  Since when have you been his mother?

			CHARLOTTE
		My dear - you're upset.  I've upset you.  Oh I'm so cross with myself, how could I have been so clumsy, I should have taken it gently.  I do understand, a shock like that -

			LÉA
		Shock?  I'm not shocked, Charlotte.  I've been expecting this since Chéri was so high and I took him in so that he wasn't left to servants for months on end.

			CHARLOTTE
		(Soppy)  You bought him his first velvet suit, remember?  He looked so beautiful, like something out of a picture book.  And remember when I put him in the Flower Festival?  All naked among the roses?

			LÉA
		His feet were dirty.  I could never pass a stray dog, Charlotte, you knew that.

			CHARLOTTE
		Léa, please!

			LÉA
		Every time I took him from you he was thin and miserable, and every time you got him back he was glowing.

			CHARLOTTE
		That's not fair.

			LÉA
		It's the truth.  Well now he's yours.  You can have him back, Charlotte - debt, drugs and alcohol free.  I would even say he does me proud except - well -

			CHARLOTTE
		Except what?

			LÉA
		You never know with Chéri, do you?  Which way he's going to jump.  She'll have her work cut out.

			CHARLOTTE
		Edmée?  Yes, obviously.  But there are ways...

			LÉA
		How do you mean?

			CHARLOTTE
		If you're a young woman.

			LÉA
		I daresay.  So - is that all?  I do have a hotel to run -

			CHARLOTTE
		I thought, under the circumstances -

			LÉA
		You didn't honestly think I'd be upset?  Charlotte!  I've been waiting for you to take him off my hands!

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh, what a relief.  I'm a romantic fool, thinking no woman could live under the same roof as a handsome young man without -

			LÉA
		Without wanting to go to bed with him?  Charlotte, that is so sentimental.

			CHARLOTTE
		Come here, let me give you another hug.  As soon as the lovebirds are cooing away in Italy we must get back to our mad Sundays in Neuilly...

			LÉA
		(Despite herself, groans)  Ohh...

			CHARLOTTE
		...Aldonza, the Baroness, your faithful old Masseau - (kisses Léa three times on the cheeks) - mmm, you smell good - Jicky?

			LÉA
		As ever.

			CHARLOTTE
		Lovely.  Perfume sinks in so much better when the skin starts to go, have you noticed?  (Going)  I'll send round the wedding invite as soon as it's printed.

			LÉA
		(Calls after her)  I look forward to it!

The sound of the outer door.  Silence.  Then the door to the salon opens and closes softly.

			CHÉRI
		Has she gone?

Silence.

			LÉA
		Why didn't you tell me?

			CHÉRI
		She thought it should come from her.

			LÉA
		You were afraid.  You got her to do it.

			CHÉRI
		I didn't want to hurt you.

			LÉA
		(Bursts out)  Why have I never been able to stop you from lying!  Were you worried? - with you it's impossible to tell.

		(Silence.)

		I love you very much.  I have for a long time.  Long enough for you to trust me.

			CHÉRI
		I do trust you.

			LÉA
		Not enough, it seems.  I deserved better.

		That you should want to leave me, that's inevitable.  I've even looked around for some nice rich girl for you.

			CHÉRI
		Are you joking?

			LÉA
		Between Charlotte and me you haven't exactly been exposed to steady domestic bliss.  Perhaps it's what you need.

			CHÉRI
		Then why are you looking like that?

			LÉA
		Because you disappoint.

		What's she like?  Is there a decent dowry?

			CHÉRI
		Yes.  From her father.

			LÉA
		Which one?  (Slight pause.)  So you'll be all right for money - plus what you've salted away here.

			CHÉRI
		(Nuzzling her)  I've been worth it, haven't I?

They kiss.

			LÉA
		Tell me about her.  Is she good-looking?

			CHÉRI
		Mmm - so so.

			LÉA
		Intelligent?

			CHÉRI
		I'll find out, I'm marrying her, aren't I?

			LÉA
		And she's in love?

			CHÉRI
		She says so.

			LÉA
		What about you?

			CHÉRI
		(Dismissive)  Never mind me - what about you, what are you going to do?

			LÉA
		Oh, get fat, become a nun.  Would you like that?

			CHÉRI
		Yes I would.

			LÉA
		Poor baby.  So I change one wicked boy for another.  It won't be the first time.

			CHÉRI
		I know that and I don't care.  I don't care that I wasn't the first.  What I want to be is the last.

			LÉA
		Sorry, my dear.  Admittedly you're not a passing fancy like the others - you're the stray that I rescued and fed and...(but she cannot go on)...ring for Rose, would you?

			CHÉRI
		What for?

			LÉA
		To put your things together.

			CHÉRI
		What?

			LÉA
		You can't do your courting from this house.

			CHÉRI
		Why not?

			LÉA
		Sending flowers from my telephone?  Do it from Peloux's.

			CHÉRI
		But I don't want that.

			LÉA
		It's not for you to say.  Put on your jacket, we're going out.

			CHÉRI
		(Alarmed)  Where?

			LÉA
		To buy you a wedding present.  What would you like?

			CHÉRI
		Ooh.  (Thinks)  A pearl tie-pin, a really big one - no, wait.  I've seen a cigarette case in white jade, with the edge set in diamonds.

			LÉA
		Something really discreet and enough to bankrupt me.  I'm going to be so well off when you go, I shall be able to afford dowries for all your children.

			CHÉRI
		Great, you can be godmother to the first boy.

			LÉA
		(Laughs)  Only if he looks like me. (Going.)

The outer door bangs as he follows, laughing.
Musical link.
The sounds of a tennis game.

			DESMOND
		Lemonade?

			EDMÉE
		Please, Desmond.  (He pours.)  Thank you.

		Have you seen Chéri?

			DESMOND
		I think he went over to the lake.

			EDMÉE
		Ah.

			DESMOND
		(Slight pause.)  He's like that.

			EDMÉE
		I know.

			DESMOND
		Here he is.  I'll - ah - make myself scarce.

			EDMÉE
		(Pause)  I wondered where you were.  (No reply.)  What's the matter?

			CHÉRI
		If you need to ask -

			EDMÉE
		Fred, I'm not a mind-reader.

			CHÉRI
		If you must know, I'm avoiding our hostess.

			EDMÉE
		Your mother - why?  And why do you call her Madame Peloux?

			CHÉRI
		It's her name.

			EDMÉE
		She's your mother!  You're very rude to her.

			CHÉRI
		Almost as bad as you with Marie-Louise.

			EDMÉE
		I'm very polite with Marie-Louise.

			CHÉRI
		Exactly.  "She's your mother!"

			EDMÉE
		Who only ever chooses to appear in order to introduce me to my latest father.

			CHÉRI
		Hah!  Mine were always uncles.

They laugh.

			EDMÉE
		You get used to it.

			CHÉRI
		Used to what?

			EDMÉE
		Being on your own.

			CHÉRI
		I never did.

			EDMÉE
		How did you survive?

			CHÉRI
		By making myself extremely attractive.

			EDMÉE
		And lovable?

			CHÉRI
		No.  Not lovable.  Attractive.  Not the same thing.

			EDMÉE
		Were you moved around a lot?

			CHÉRI
		Yes.

			EDMÉE
		Me too.  It's very educational, you pick up so much -

			CHÉRI
		You mean how to mix drinks -

			EDMÉE
		Make pasta, darn ballet shoes -

			CHÉRI
		Shoe horses.

			EDMÉE
		(Laughs)  Shoe horses?

			CHÉRI
		A friend used to take me to the country.

			EDMÉE
		(Slight pause.)  I used to keep snails.

			CHÉRI
		So did I!

			EDMÉE
		In a shoe box.  I painted their shells, did you?

			CHÉRI
		No, I trod on them.

The sounds of the tennis game and a distant wood pigeon.

			EDMÉE
		Funny we both kept snails.

			CHÉRI
		What?
			EDMÉE
		They're so dignified.

			CHÉRI
		You're funny.  Come on, let's play...

Music link.  Fade in on a card game at Charlotte's.

			ALDONZA
		I'm out.

			CHARLOTTE
		Two cards please.

			BARONESS
		None for me and a 100 sous without seeing anyone.

			ALDONZA
		Baroness!

			BARONESS
		I collect...bravo!

			ALDONZA
		You've won again!

			CHARLOTTE
		She seems to think this is a gambling joint.

			BARONESS
		Because I win 100 sous?

			CHARLOTTE
		By dealing so quickly we've no time to look.

			BARONESS
		Are you suggesting that I'm cheating?

			ALDONZA
		Of course she isn't -

			BARONESS
		Because if that's the case -

			ALDONZA
		- it isn't -

			BARONESS
		- what about you when you pick up from the discard pile?

			CHARLOTTE
		Who's ever seen me do that?  Aldonza, have you ever seen me pick up from the discard pile?

			BARONESS
		We all have.
			CHARLOTTE
		I beg your pardon?

			BARONESS
		You heard, Charlotte.

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh I heard.  And if I hear it again I shall do something unpleasant.

			ALDONZA
		It's because we're three, it's no good with three.  Masseau, come and play please.

			MASSEAU
		(At a distance)  Must I, darlings?  I'd much rather not.

			ALDONZA
		We miss Léa.

			MASSEAU
		(Sighs)  Yes.  Dreadfully.

			BARONESS
		Poor old Masseau.

			ALDONZA
		I'll put the cards away.  (Sighs aloud)  Who would have thought these hands were once the loveliest in Europe?

			BARONESS
		Who said that?

			CHARLOTTE
		A glove-seller, presumably.

			ALDONZA
		I shall ignore that.  Alfonso the Twelfth himself once drank champagne from these palms.  He called them his little pearl shells.

			MASSEAU
		Did he, by God?

			CHARLOTTE
		Being a king is no guarantee of wit.

			BARONESS
		(Lazily)  Charlotte...

			MASSEAU
		Now darlings, it's too lovely a day for quarrels.

			BARONESS
		Absolutely.

			ALDONZA
		I know!  You feel so - so -

			MASSEAU
		True.

			ALDONZA
		There was a man on the tram yesterday.

			CHARLOTTE
		Here we go.

			ALDONZA
		He was definitely after me.

			CHARLOTTE
		It's an obsession!  Every time she goes out someone's following her, trying to pinch her ass.  She thought you were a man in the dark the other night, Hortense - you're lucky you weren't raped.

			MASSEAU
		Charlotte dearest -

			BARONESS
		I missed a treat.

			CHARLOTTE
		Well if you want to be coarse -

			BARONESS
		Coarse?  Me coarse?  What about you in Poland?

			CHARLOTTE
		I was never in Poland.

			BARONESS
		Of course you were.

			CHARLOTTE
		No I wasn't!

			BARONESS
		You were!

			CHARLOTTE
		I was nowhere near -

			BARONESS
		Oh do shut up.

			CHARLOTTE
		Thank you.  I don't think I'm ready to be asked to lower my voice under my own roof -

			MASSEAU
		Girls, please -

			CHARLOTTE
		If anyone is going to shut up it won't be me.

			BARONESS
		Who'd bet on it?

			CHARLOTTE
		That - is - enough!  (Door slams as she storms out.)

Silence.

			MASSEAU
		Baroness -

			BARONESS
		Are you chiding me, Masseau?

			MASSEAU
		We-ell -

			ALDONZA
		Better not, Claude.  The Baroness used to bend bars, you don't want a smack on the head.

			MASSEAU
		We are guests under Charlotte's roof, enjoying her hospitality...

			CHARLOTTE
		(Rushes in)  My loves - they're here, they're back!

			ALDONZA
		Who?

			BARONESS
		(Together)  When?

			CHARLOTTE
		Chéri and his wife - look, a telegram!

			MASSEAU
		When are they coming?

			CHARLOTTE
		Today!  What time is it?

			BARONESS
		Five fifteen.

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh my God!  (Going)  Jules... Jules!  Tell Emil to take the limousine to the Gare de Lyon, now.  For Monsieur Chéri, you fool!

			ALDONZA
		Well!

			BARONESS
		Short honeymoon.

			MASSEAU
		Very short.

			BARONESS
		Surprising.

			ALDONZA
		I hope everything is - perhaps they -

			BARONESS
		What?

			ALDONZA
		I don't know.

			CHARLOTTE
		(Returns out of breath)  That boy!  Imagine, not letting me know, I thought they were still in Italy.  Thank God everything's ready, I've given them the Duke of Stuttgart's sheets and Henriette's putting flowers up to the ceiling.  I've had to bring down all his boots and books, I don't know where to put it all.

			BARONESS
		Chuck it out.

			CHARLOTTE
		You've no soul, Hortense, you never had.

			ALDONZA
		Italy!  Oh, such memories.

			CHARLOTTE
		When were you in Italy, you were never in Italy.

			ALDONZA
		I went with the General - twice.

			BARONESS
		For an encore, eh?

			ALDONZA
		A return engagement.  (Sighs.)  She looked so lovely, the little bride.

			CHARLOTTE
		What a day!

			BARONESS
		Wonderful.

			ALDONZA
		I kept looking round, all through the ceremony.
			BARONESS
		Looking round?

			ALDONZA
		For Léa.  I couldn't help myself.

			CHARLOTTE
		She was invited of course.  Naturally.  As his godmother.

			BARONESS
		(Slight pause)  Is she still away?

			ALDONZA
		Masseau, have you heard anything?

			MASSEAU
		I believe she's in Biarritz.

			CHARLOTTE
		They say there's another young boy already.

			MASSEAU
		What?

			BARONESS
		Bravo!

			CHARLOTTE
		She'll never find another Chéri.

			ALDONZA
		Perhaps that's why she didn't want to wait.  She wanted to take her mind off.

			CHARLOTTE
		Chéri's marriage is bound to make her feel old.  Anything for a replacement, you can understand it.  She'll have put her hand in her pocket.

			ALDONZA
		(Slight pause)  I'd love to do it one more time.

			BARONESS
		Don't be a fool.

			MASSEAU
		Composure, dear damsel!

			ALDONZA
		Only to find out if there's anything new.  I started a few things myself but you never know.  It's not an obsession.

			CHARLOTTE
		Just as well.  (Laughter.)  Who's that in the garden - (going, opens the French window.)  Hullo?  (Going)  Good God.

			MASSEAU
		Who is it?

			BARONESS
		Bravo!

			ALDONZA
		Is it?  It is!  It's Léa!

			BARONESS
		(Calls)  Léa!

			CHARLOTTE
		Look who was lurking in the shrubbery!

			LÉA
		My dears!

			ALDONZA
		Léa, my lovely Léa!

			LÉA
		Aldonza!

			BARONESS
		I feel like a boy of sixteen!

			MASSEAU
		Léa - oh my dear...

			CHARLOTTE
		Well, well.

			LÉA
		(Kissing her)  Charlotte.

			CHARLOTTE
		Welcome back.

			ALDONZA
		We've missed you!

			BARONESS
		You look splendid.

			MASSEAU
		Wonderful...

			LÉA
		What a reception.

			CHARLOTTE
		Give me your parasol.  Sit down.

			LÉA
		Thank you.  Well, here we all are, in delicious old Neuilly.

			BARONESS
		Where were you?

			ALDONZA
		Where have you been?

			LÉA
		Vichy...St Paul...Biarritz.  I managed to lose some weight.

			CHARLOTTE
		I was saying how thin you were with all you've been through.

			LÉA
		Been through? - what can she mean?

			CHARLOTTE
		Chéri's marriage!

			LÉA
		(Laughing)  Oh Charlotte, Charlotte - I'd need twenty of those to take off a quarter kilo!

			BARONESS
		Bravo, darling.

			CHARLOTTE
		Brandy?

			LÉA
		Why not?  What's been happening?

			MASSEAU
		With you away dear heart, very little.

			ALDONZA
		Whereas you have a new friend, we hear.

			LÉA
		Is that what they're saying?  Thank you, Charlotte.  Your health.

			CHARLOTTE
		(Serving drinks)  Baroness -

			BARONESS
		Thank you.

			CHARLOTTE
		Aldonza, your usual?

		So it wasn't for peace and quiet, Biarritz?

			ALDONZA
		Do tell, we're dying to know.

			LÉA
		I need a word with Charlotte first.

			MASSEAU
		Baroness - Aldonza - permit me to show you the roses.

			ALDONZA
		What?  Oh, all right.  Not for long!

The French window door as they go.

			LÉA
		(Calls)  My thanks.

Silence.

			CHARLOTTE
		How are you?

			LÉA
		I'm fine.  Enjoying life.

			CHARLOTTE
		So I hear.

			LÉA
		Have you heard from...?

			CHARLOTTE
		From Edmée and Chéri?  Of course.

			LÉA
		How are they?

			CHARLOTTE
		Marvellous.  Absolutely wonderful.  Have you heard?

			LÉA
		No.

			CHARLOTTE
		Edmée says Chéri is glowing.

			LÉA
		Glowing?

			CHARLOTTE
		Glowing.  He's all over her she says - it's `darling' this, `beloved' that.  Who'd have believed it - Chéri, the adoring husband!

			LÉA
		And getting his wife to believe it.

			CHARLOTTE
		You'll see for yourself.

			LÉA
		When are they coming back?

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh - I don't know...they'll be in no hurry.  Obviously.

			BARONESS
		(Calls from the garden)  Charlotte!  Aldonza wants to come in!

			CHARLOTTE
		(Going to the French window)  What does she want?

			BARONESS
		Food!

			CHARLOTTE
		Oh very well.  Excuse me, Léa.

Pause.
A tap on the window.

			MASSEAU
		May I come in?

			LÉA
		Masseau.  My dear.

			MASSEAU
		Alone at last!  I can't tell you how good it is to see you.  Life's been unbearable.  How are you, are you all right?

			LÉA
		Not entirely.  I think I'll go home.

			MASSEAU
		What's the matter?

			LÉA
		Nothing.  Come and have dinner tomorrow, I'll tell you about my travels.

			MASSEAU
		Not too many details, please.

			LÉA
		Masseau, I was alone!

			MASSEAU
		Oh, is that true?  Oh my dear - thank you, thank you!

			LÉA
		Tell Charlotte I was tired.

The sound of a car.  It stops.  Five urgent hoots.

			LÉA
		(Murmurs)  No...

			MASSEAU
		Who on earth is making that noise?

			LÉA
		It's Chéri.

			MASSEAU
		Chéri?  Did you know he was coming today?

			LÉA
		No I didn't.

			MASSEAU
		Charlotte didn't tell you?  The telegram came an hour ago.

			LÉA
		I see.

			MASSEAU
		She should have said.

			LÉA
		Yes.

			MASSEAU
		Will you stay?

			LÉA
		I think not.

			MASSEAU
		I'll drive you home.

			LÉA
		Thank you.

Music link.  Voices and laughter.

			CHARLOTTE
		Edmée, dear, let me take your coat.  Isn't she enchanting?

			ALDONZA
		She looks so pretty!  You'd never know they'd been travelling for days.

			EDMÉE
		We stopped in Lyon, Fred was tired, he can't sleep on trains, can you Fred?

He doesn't answer.

			CHARLOTTE
		Aldonza - Baroness? - Say goodbye.  The limousine can drop you at the station.

			BARONESS
		Bravo.

			ALDONZA
		Dear heart, so kind.  Chéri?  Come and kiss your old Zaza.  I've known him since he was seven, Edmée - in his little velvet suit.

			CHARLOTTE
		(Going)  Allez-vous en.  Until next Sunday - goodbye -

			ALDONZA
		(Going)  What?  Oh, very well.

			BARONESS
		(Going)  Bravo, all.

Silence.

			CHÉRI
		So many people!

			CHARLOTTE
		(Returns)  I didn't know you'd be here, we've only just got your telegram.

Noises off.

			CHÉRI
		What are they doing?  Don't let them open the trunks!

			CHARLOTTE
		Why not?

			CHÉRI
		I'm only staying for a day.

			CHARLOTTE
		But I've changed everything round for you.

			CHÉRI
		Changed what?  If you've moved anything I'm getting back on the train.

			EDMÉE
		Fred!

			CHARLOTTE
		Take no notice, dear, he just likes to grumble.  He's keeping his smiles for you.

			EDMÉE
		Ye-es.  I'll go and take off my things.

			CHARLOTTE
		(Calls after her)  It's all ready!  (To Chéri)  Are you well, you look pale.

			CHÉRI
		I'm fine.  Has anyone asked for me?

			CHARLOTTE
		Not that I can think of - well - yes, but - so, how has it been?

			CHÉRI
		Fine.

			CHARLOTTE
		That dear girl.

			CHÉRI
		What were you going to say?

			CHARLOTTE
		Can't remember.  Oh I know.  Guess who was here just now? - Léa!

			CHÉRI
		Where is she?

			CHARLOTTE
		I got rid of her.

			CHÉRI
		Why?

			CHARLOTTE
		She's not family!  I must see to the duck.  I'm using Léa's recipe, I know you like it.

			CHÉRI
		Now, now, Madame Peloux...

			CHARLOTTE
		What?  What did I say?

			CHÉRI
		Your face fell off.  Go and stir something.
Door.  And again.

			CHÉRI
		Oh it's you.

			EDMÉE
		I was upstairs.  It's very ornate.

			CHÉRI
		Peloux been putting bells on the bedclothes?  God this house is ugly.

			EDMÉE
		You wanted to come back.  As soon as we got to Italy you said we had to come home.

			CHÉRI
		(Savage)  This isn't home.

			EDMÉE
		It won't be long.  We'll soon be under our own roof.  (Silence.)  What have I said?  Chéri?

			CHÉRI
		Don't.

			EDMÉE
		Don't what?

			CHÉRI
		Call me that.

			EDMÉE
		I'm sorry, I meant Fred.

Voices, off.

			CHÉRI
		Desmond?

			EDMÉE
		Oh not now -

			CHÉRI
		Desmond!  Come in - we're in here!

			EDMÉE
		I'll go and - ah - change for dinner.

			CHÉRI
		Yes, yes.  Desmond, you old rat!  You got my note?

			DESMOND
		Yes, what's going on?

			CHÉRI
		Nothing.  Have a cigar - hold on, I know where she keeps them.

		(Sound of drawers being opened.)  Ah!  Hold on!

He lights a match.  Desmond puffs.

			CHÉRI
		All right?

			DESMOND
		Excellent.

			CHÉRI
		What's been happening?

			DESMOND
		Nothing much.

			CHÉRI
		I love the tie.

			DESMOND
		Thanks.  Had to change my bootmaker - trouble paying his bill.  (They laugh.)  But I sold a Rolls last week.  What about you?  How was Italy?

			CHÉRI
		All right.  Do you want to dine here?

			DESMOND
		No thanks.

			CHÉRI
		Family meal frighten you off - all the suspense waiting for the boeuf en croute?

			DESMOND
		Too much excitement for me.

			CHÉRI
		You'd stay if it were at Léa's.  (Slight pause.)  Have you seen her?

			DESMOND
		I gather she's been away.

			CHÉRI
		Where?

			DESMOND
		No idea.  I doubt if she minds.  One place is as good as another.

			CHÉRI
		What is that supposed to mean?

			DESMOND
		You don't think she's on her own?

			CHÉRI
		Who is she with?

			DESMOND
		Some stray from the boxing academy, I daresay.  Ask your mother, she's the truffle hound.  On which note I think I'll make my escape.

			CHÉRI
		I've hardly seen you!

			DESMOND
		I'm due for dinner at nine, then Maxim's for a glass of port.

			CHÉRI
		There's some fine port here.

			DESMOND
		Another time perhaps.

			CHÉRI
		Shall I see you tomorrow?

			DESMOND
		Why, do you need moral support?

			CHÉRI
		Don't be a fool.

			DESMOND
		You're looking pretty low.  Come on.

Pause.

			CHÉRI
		What - now?

			DESMOND
		Yes.

			CHÉRI
		(Pauses)  Why not?  (The door slams behind them.)

Pause.  Door opens.

			EDMÉE
		Fred?  Fred?  (Fade.)

Music link.  Fade in.

			LÉA
		Drink, Masseau?

			MASSEAU
		One - two - three - four...I'm sorry, my dear, there's a little blue reindeer demanding my attention.  This tapestry is maddening.

			LÉA
		Let me see.

			MASSEAU
		It's for Charlotte.  A commission.

			LÉA
		(Non-committal)  Mmmm.

			MASSEAU
		Her design.  She wants four.

			LÉA
		Mmm.

			MASSEAU
		I'll do just the one.  At least it stops me from smoking and sniffing things I shouldn't.

			LÉA
		Brandy?

			MASSEAU
		Thank you.  When are you leaving?

			LÉA
		Tomorrow morning.

			MASSEAU
		So soon?  Where?

			LÉA
		I thought Sicily.

			MASSEAU
		It'll be hot.

			LÉA
		Oh, I'll probably settle for Antibes.

			MASSEAU
		Antibes?

			LÉA
		I can talk to all the other old women in the hotel lobby and the old men will show off and carry my things and we'll both know it's a waste of time.

			MASSEAU
		Thank you.

			LÉA
		Not you, you fool!  I met a retired Colonel in St Jean de Luz - very impressive, like a decorated cliff face.

			MASSEAU
		But past it?

			LÉA
		I never found out.  He was wearing a corset.

			MASSEAU
		Sounds delicious.

LÉA laughs.

			MASSEAU
		Must you go?

			LÉA
		I think so.

			MASSEAU
		But you'll miss everything.  We're reviving the opera balls.  We need you on the committee.

			LÉA
		No you don't - when was I ever any good at all that?

			MASSEAU
		Please.

			LÉA
		Sorry.  The air at Neuilly doesn't suit just now.

			MASSEAU
		It will take time.

			LÉA
		Why should I feel it any less because he's young enough to be my son?  It's probably the reason for it.  That's something you'll never know, the pain of not having a child when it's too late.  You think - oh, perhaps next year or - I'll keep the next one.  Then it's too late.  What, for so long, you didn't want, you now can't have.  Ever.

			MASSEAU
		Dearest girl -

			LÉA
		So - I'm going away.  New horizons, a new wardrobe, you won't recognise me!  I shall come back full of stories - anything to blot out the monster.
			MASSEAU
		Monster?

			LÉA
		The looking glass on the wall.  And now, off you go, I must finish packing.  What's the matter?

			MASSEAU
		(He is weeping)  Nothing.

			LÉA
		Oh Masseau.  Don't cry.  I shan't be away forever.  Take my arm.

The door, then the outer door.  Léa returns, humming lightly.

			LÉA
		Rose?

			ROSE
		Madame?

			LÉA
		What do you think of old men?

			ROSE
		I'd rather not say, Madame.

			LÉA
		Exactly.  Did you find my ring?  Ah, thank you.  What do you think? 

			ROSE
		Oh Madame - now that is an emerald!

			LÉA
		I bought it in St Jean de Luz. 

			ROSE
		Shall I pack it or put it in the safe?

			LÉA
		Mmm - I'll wear it for now.  Rose -

			ROSE
		Madame?

			LÉA
		Things aren't going to be the same from now on.  If you feel like making a change -

			ROSE
		(Stricken)  You mean - leave you, Madame?

			LÉA
		I'm not thinking of myself - will there be enough to keep you busy?  Now that we shall be on our own, as it were.  You might find life rather quiet.

			ROSE
		With the laundry, Hector's legs and a chef with shingles?

			LÉA
		You sound as though you need a holiday, my dear.  Come south with me.

			ROSE
		Oh, Madame!  Oh!  Thank you!  But how will they manage?

			LÉA
		They'll appreciate you all the more.  We'll sit in the sun and eat salade niçoise and play boules.  (They laugh.)

			ROSE
		Your bath is ready and the electric pads are on the bed.

			LÉA
		Ah, my face massage.  No, pack it all away - and throw the henna in the sink.

			ROSE
		But Madame?

			LÉA
		Go on.

			ROSE
		(Going)  If you say so, Madame.  (The bell rings, loud and repeated, making Rose squeak.)  Ohh!  That's M'sieu - shall I let him in?

			LÉA
		I suppose so, before we lose every guest under our roof.

			CHÉRI
		Where are you?

			LÉA
		Leave him to me.

			ROSE
		I'll be next door if you need me.

			LÉA
		Come in.  Oh you are in.  Hello.

			CHÉRI
		(Savagely)  Hello.  (More gently)  Hello.

			LÉA
		Hello.

			CHÉRI
		Are you alone?

			LÉA
		Yes.

			CHÉRI
		You're not going out?

			LÉA
		Not for the moment.  You'd better sit down.

Silence.

			CHÉRI
		Aren't you surprised to see me?

			LÉA
		When have you known me to be surprised?  Don't put your coat there, how many times must I tell you, that silk is two hundred years old!

			CHÉRI
		What's that on your finger?

			LÉA
		An emerald.

			CHÉRI
		I can see it's an emerald.  Where did you get it?  Who gave it to you?

			LÉA
		Not anyone you know well.

			CHÉRI
		Charming.

			LÉA
		Yes, isn't it, the colour's magnificent.

			CHÉRI
		Who gave it to you?

			LÉA
		Hardly your business, wouldn't you say?  What are you doing here?

			CHÉRI
		Oh, you mean you're interested?

			LÉA
		Well, I'm not going to sit here all night watching you being misunderstood.

		(Silence.)  Have you come to say you're sorry?

			CHÉRI
		Sorry?  For what?

			LÉA
		That's up to you.  I'm not going to force you.

A long silence.

			CHÉRI
		(Mutters)  Sorry.

			LÉA
		What?

			CHÉRI
		(Louder)  Sorry.  (Quieter)  I'm sorry.  (Retracting it)  Just to get some peace!

			LÉA
		Peace?  I'm at peace.  What's upsetting you?  Isn't it working out?  Don't tell me she's up to mischief already.

			CHÉRI
		Oh, hilarious.

			LÉA
		Just asking.

			CHÉRI
		Instead of understanding...asking me - decently - what I'm doing here - (he goes quiet.)

			LÉA
		Understanding what?  Oh my dear!  What's wrong, what have they done to you?

			CHÉRI
		Ah, your scent - ohh - it's fantastic.  Oh, let me - ohh...(They kiss.)

			LÉA
		(Softly)  My God.

			CHÉRI
		No, don't let go.

			LÉA
		Why are you here?

			CHÉRI
		Because I didn't realise it would hurt so much.

			LÉA
		My dear boy.  (She kisses his face several times.)  You can't stay.

			CHÉRI
		Why not?

			LÉA
		You're married.

			CHÉRI
		I should have listened when you warned me.

			LÉA
		I didn't warn you.  I told you it was a good idea.

			CHÉRI
		You approved?  Of my getting married?

			LÉA
		Naturally.

			CHÉRI
		That's why you've lost three kilos.

			LÉA
		Who told you that?

			CHÉRI
		Who do you think?  "Cheri, I've found a nice little wife for you, dowries from three fathers and a good, even temper."

			LÉA
		How could you resist?

			CHÉRI
		Why didn't you stop me?  (Silence.)  I'm coming back.

			LÉA
		No you're not.

			CHÉRI
		Yes I am.  I'm here.

			LÉA
		I can see that.  Who have you told?

			CHÉRI
		Nobody.

			LÉA
		Only you and I know?

			CHÉRI
		So far.

			LÉA
		Hmm.  What about me?

			CHÉRI
		What about you?

			LÉA
		What if it doesn't suit me, having you back?  It might not be convenient.

			CHÉRI
		Why not?

			LÉA
		For one thing, it may - I may not be alone.

			CHÉRI
		There's somebody else?  (No reply.)  Who is he, where did you meet him - did he give you the ring? - I'll kick his face in.

			LÉA
		(Laughs, near to tears)  Oh, you idiot - you idiot!  Is that what you thought?

			CHÉRI
		So it's not true, you don't have a lover.

			LÉA
		I don't have a lover.

			CHÉRI
		You're alone.

			LÉA
		Come here - where you belong.  (They embrace.)

		What did you tell her?

			CHÉRI
		Let's go to bed.

			LÉA
		No, I need to know what sort of mess you've left.  Were you hateful?

			CHÉRI
		Of course not.

			LÉA
		Where is she now?

			CHÉRI
		At Peloux's, I suppose.

			LÉA
		Waiting for you.
			CHÉRI
		Perhaps - I don't know.

			LÉA
		Have you eaten?

			CHÉRI
		Yes, with Desmond.

			LÉA
		Not at home?

			CHÉRI
		This is home.

			LÉA
		I'd better - (she rings for Rose.)

			ROSE
		Madame?  Bonsoir, M'sieu Chéri.

			CHÉRI
		Hullo, Rose.

			LÉA
		Rose, in the morning we'll want -

			ROSE
		Lemon tea, cafe creme, casse-croute and water biscuits.

			CHÉRI
		She's a mind-reader.

			LÉA
		Then I'm afraid we shall have to -

			ROSE
		- put back the Chinese room as M'sieu's dressing room.

			LÉA
		Precisely.

Door as Rose goes.  The telephone rings, making Léa gasp with fright.

			LÉA
		Hullo...hullo?  No...no, you've got the wrong number, there's no Monsieur here.

			CHÉRI
		Who was that?

			LÉA
		No-one - a wrong number.

			CHÉRI
		I'm cold....

			LÉA
		Come here.

Cross-fade.

			CHÉRI
		Remember?

			LÉA
		Of course.

			CHÉRI
		I was feeling as I'd always felt in your arms - safe - warm -

			LÉA
		It was autumn -

			CHÉRI
		I said -

			LÉA
		You said - "kiss me".

			CHÉRI
		And you went still.  So I kissed you.  And you tried to make a joke of it.

			LÉA
		And you said -

			CHÉRI
		I said: "I know all I need to know."

			LÉA
		Bloody nerve.

			CHÉRI
		You said never mind that, you couldn't see us doing anything.  So I made you, and we did. And we went on doing it.  (Murmurs)  Open your legs.

Fade up.  The sound of a thrush in the garden.
The garden gate bell rings, then, closer, the door bell.

			ROSE
		(Distant)  Come in - I'll tell Madame - I think she's - (comes closer.)

			LÉA
		(Arriving from bedroom, yawning)  Was that the bell?

			ROSE
		Madame...
			LÉA
		Who is it?

			ROSE
		A visitor, Madame.

			LÉA
		At this hour?

			ROSE
		(Going)  It's Madame Peloux.  (Returns)  Your robe, Madame.

			LÉA
		Close the door, he's asleep.  (Voice up)  What the devil does she want - after her pedigree pup I suppose - trust Charlotte.

			ROSE
		No, Madame.  It's Madame Frédéric Peloux - Monsieur Chéri's wife.

			LÉA
		His wife?  Oh - his wife.  God.  You'd better send her away.  Tell her - you think you'd be safe under your own roof.  Tell her - (half asleep, she can't think)  What does she want?

			ROSE
		The young lady would like a word with Madame.  She says it's urgent.

			LÉA
		(Groans)  Oh Lord.  How is she, is she upset?

			ROSE
		No, very calm.

			LÉA
		I don't like the sound of that.  I'd better get dressed - oh, send her in.

			ROSE
		Ah - Monsieur Chéri's coat -

			LÉA
		In the closet - quickly.

			ROSE
		Of course, Madame.  (At a distance)  Would you come in?

			EDMÉE
		Thank you.

			LÉA
		Madame Peloux, good morning.  What a surprise - might I know to what I owe the privilege - it's very early.

			EDMÉE
		No doubt my being here would be a surprise at any hour of the day.

			LÉA
		Not at all.

Silence.

			LÉA
		I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be at your wedding.

Silence.

			EDMÉE
		I've come about Fred.

			LÉA
		Fred?  Oh - yes.

			EDMÉE
		It is his name.

			LÉA
		Yes, well if that's what you've come to inform me - what time is it?

			EDMÉE
		I'm sorry for the inconvenience.  Obviously it's something serious -

			LÉA
		(Panics for a second)  Serious?

			EDMÉE
		Don't be alarmed, you've nothing to fear from me.

			LÉA
		Why on earth should I?  Do sit down.

			EDMÉE
		Thank you.  Fred's gone.

			LÉA
		Where?

			EDMÉE
		I mean he's left me.  I came to ask if he was here.

			LÉA
		Here?  In this house?  No.

			EDMÉE
		He's not here.
			LÉA
		No.

			EDMÉE
		Of course I believe you but if it's true where is he?  Where could he be if he's not - (her voice fails her.)  Please - I was so sure I'd find him here.  I'm sorry.  I know I look ridiculous.  We arrived yesterday - I went up to our room before dinner - when I came down he was gone.

			LÉA
		Is that so alarming?

			EDMÉE
		Yes!  I waited and waited, then I telephoned Desmond.  He said - (she pauses)  I know how much Fred means to you - his fondness for you.

			LÉA
		What is your point?

			EDMÉE
		Obviously, with things as they were he wouldn't have - married me without your blessing.  (Bravely)  I've come to ask for him back.

			LÉA
		I've told you, he's not here.

			EDMÉE
		Then where is he, what am I going to do?

			LÉA
		I'm not the one to ask.  I've let him go.  Now you want me to get him back for you.  Hardly my affair.

			EDMÉE
		Why are you being so unkind?

			LÉA
		Unkind?  Because I can't do anything for you?

			EDMÉE
		Goodbye, Madame.

			LÉA
		You're not going to do anything stupid?

			EDMÉE
		I'm going to look for my husband.

			LÉA
		He'll be back - or he won't.  It's for him to decide.

			EDMÉE
		No it isn't.

			LÉA
		Oh believe me, he'll do as he wants.

			EDMÉE
		Why do you make him sound like a monster?  If that's what living here has done then I'm a lucky escape.  He's not yours any more to disparage and criticise and -

			CHÉRI
		What's going on?

			EDMÉE
		Fred!

			CHÉRI
		This is jolly.  What are you doing here?   What's she doing here?

			LÉA
		What do you think, kicking up a fuss.  Put some clothes on.

			CHÉRI
		What do you want?

			EDMÉE
		Don't touch me.

			CHÉRI
		I wasn't going to, what are you afraid of, you mustn't be afraid of me.  Why is she so frightened, did you frighten her?

			LÉA
		Of course not.  Leave the girl alone - well, it's over, isn't it?

			CHÉRI
		I think that's my business.  How did you get here?

			EDMÉE
		By taxi.

			CHÉRI
		Did anybody see you?

			LÉA
		For God's sake let her go!

			CHÉRI
		I'm asking if anyone saw you leave?

			EDMÉE
		Fred I had to tell Henriette, she was in the hall.  I said that you were at Monsieur Desmond's and felt ill.
			CHÉRI
		(Gently)  I see.  Go home and wait for me.

			EDMÉE
		Wait for what?

			CHÉRI
		For whatever I decide.

Silence.  The door closes, and then the heavy outer door.

			LÉA
		You poor darling.  It's my fault, I should never have let her in but I was afraid she'd start making a fuss and wake the whole household.  (He doesn't reply.)  You were wonderful - so grown up, you usually react like a twelve year old.

			CHÉRI
		Hard not to, with you.

			LÉA
		Surely not?  Anyway, it's the secret of your charm - but just now - such authority, I could hear myself.

			CHÉRI
		That pleases you?

			LÉA
		I'm flattered.  It makes me wonder what you're here for, though.

			CHÉRI
		For help.

			LÉA
		Help?  Why?

			CHÉRI
		Because it's not possible to change everything overnight.  If I thought you could I was an idiot.

Léa collapses, sobbing.

			LÉA
		Oh, you are so, so selfish - no, don't, don't say anything, it's better to keep quiet before we...(she weeps quietly)...better not to...

			CHÉRI
		(Gently)  Give me your hand.  My Léa.

			LÉA
		Don't.
			CHÉRI
		My poor Léa...

			LÉA
		(Rises, knocking over a chair)  Stop it!  "Poor Léa"!  Did I come looking for you?  Do you think I don't know what you're up to - here tonight, Neuilly tomorrow, here the night after?  How long do you think that'll last before - that girl's mother is Marie-Louise - like mother, like daughter.

			CHÉRI
		Léa, please -

			LÉA
		You can't bully me like that stupid child -

			CHÉRI
		Stop it.

			LÉA
		No, I won't stop it.

			CHÉRI
		Yes you will.  You are not going to spoil everything.  I won't let you spoil my Léa, I won't let you.

			LÉA
		What d'you mean?

			CHÉRI
		Is that how Léa would talk?  Nasty little insults from this - (kisses her) - mouth.  Remember what you said just before I married?

			LÉA
		I don't remember saying anything.

			CHÉRI
		No, you were very quiet.  But you did tell me - what did you tell me?

			LÉA
		Not to be mean.

			CHÉRI
		And that's Léa!  Even in the bedroom you were worried about harming her - hurting someone weaker than -

			LÉA
		No.  Stronger.  Happier.  The one you're going back to.

		(Silence.)
		Why did you come?  Why did you make love to me?  Without that I could have managed.

			CHÉRI
		I needed my warm, safe place.  Léa, was it any  worse to do what we did than sit side by side on a sofa talking all night?  I don't think so.

			LÉA
		If only you hadn't come back.

			CHÉRI
		I needed you.  I needed to see you.

			LÉA
		You needed - it's always You, isn't it?

			CHÉRI
		Yes!  Me!  Drunk as ever on the happiness of what we do together - what you give me.

			LÉA
		What about her?  Your wife?

			CHÉRI
		I don't know.  She's so - dependant.

			LÉA
		Of course she is.  She's vulnerable.  Her happiness depends on you.  She's yours.  Your responsibility.

			CHÉRI
		Yes.  I suppose she is.

			LÉA
		How do you feel about that?

			CHÉRI
		It's a worry.

			LÉA
		I daresay.  Not what you've had to do before - take care of someone else.

			CHÉRI
		No.  That's another worry.  How can I tell her I love her?  How can I lie to her?

			LÉA
		Of course you can lie to her.

			CHÉRI
		You want me to?

			LÉA
		Yes!  Until you accept that you do love her.

			CHÉRI
		I do?
			LÉA
		Would you have married her otherwise?  Done something you didn't want to do?  Chéri!  We both know better than that.

A very long silence.  A clock chimes.

			LÉA
		You'd better go.

			CHÉRI
		Do you want me to?

			LÉA
		Yes.  How will you get home?

			CHÉRI
		I'll manage.  God - it's so warm - we should lie out in the sun.

			LÉA
		Get dressed.  No, don't go back in there!  I'll fetch your things.

Fade and straight up.

			CHÉRI
		I'll ring you.

			LÉA
		Yes, do that - no, better not.

			CHÉRI
		I may need to.

			LÉA
		Just go - please - go on - go -

			CHÉRI
		Let me -

			LÉA
		No.  Au 'voir, Chéri.

			LÉA
		Au 'voir then.

The door, and the outer door.

			LÉA
		That's it.  God, you look hideous in the morning Léa.  That's it.  He's gone - oh God...oh God... why tell him not to ring?  Why not settle for what you can get?  You sent him away, it's not in your interest to send him away, you must get him back.  He'll come if you send for him.  He'll leave her if you send for him.

		No.  Don't do that.  He's gone, Léa.  Accept it.  You've lost the love of your life.  He's gone and he won't be back.  Ever.

The garden bell rings, and then the door bell.

			LÉA
		Chéri?  Chéri?

THE END.