ETHEL

A musical play in two acts

by Pam Gems

Copyright © Pam Gems
Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

ETHEL

Cast

			Ethel
			Bee
			Gary
			Maria
			Gordon
			Peter
			Connie
			Sal
			June
			Dolores
			Rose-Ilene

			Cole

ETHEL

ACT ONE.

SCENE ONE.

The salon in the penthouse of the HOLIDAY INN in NEW HAVEN, RHODE ISLAND.  It is furnished stylishly with plenty of seating including two comfortable sofas.

The Overture.

This comprises excerpts from ETHEL MERMAN’S main early hits, interspersed with soundbites from her notices.

Soundbites.

“Girl Crazy heralds the birth of a new blues singer...Miss Ethel Merman.”

“Ethel Merman is no tear-stained voice-cracking broad.  She approaches sex in song with the cold fury of a philosopher.”

“Ethel Merman, aiming just above the entrails, knocks you out.”

During the overture GARY, the WAITER, enters with a heavily laden drinks trolley.  He sets up a drinks tray for immediate use, polishes glasses and places them on the tray.  Leaves the trolley, to provide top-ups.  MARIA, the MAID, enters with an ornate flower arrangement, sets it down reverently, returns with an even more ambitious display, jerks her head for GARY to move the drinks tray.  He watches her, concedes her choice of placement, goes, pinching her ass.  MARIA rearranges cushions, is not satisfied, returns with bigger and plumper cushions which she disposes with abandon.  Steps back, reviews her handiwork, then remembers that she has forgotten something and dashes offstage.

BEE MADSEN, ETHEL’S best friend, enters.  She is a comely woman, not short, an ex-dancer.  She is wearing a voluminous mink coat, boots with heels, fur gloves and a large, picture hat of fluted felt, creamy-yellow, with a red poppy over one ear.  It is rather attractive.

Her coat and hat are sprinkled with snowflakes.  As she makes to take off her coat she is enveloped in the enormous flower arrangement which entirely hides MARIA who is carrying it.  There is some business as they sort themselves out.
 
			BEE
		Jesus, Maria -

MARIA brandishes the display.

			MARIA
		Pretty good eh, Miss Madsen?  
			BEE
		(Laughs) Nope.
 
			MARIA
		You don’t think Miss Merman’ll go for -?                   
			BEE
		Nope.

She gestures with her thumb.  MARIA giggles, manhandles the hideous flowers off.

BEE takes off her coat, shakes it out carefully to remove the snow and then chucks it over a chair.  She pours herself a drink, crosses to the telephone, picks up messages, scans them briefly.  Refreshes her drink, fills a second glass.

			BEE
		(Calls) Merm?

		(There is no response.  She raises her voice.)

		Merm?

 		(Louder still) Mermo?

ETHEL, offstage, replies with awesome volume...throughout the play her voice is louder than anyone else’s.

			ETHEL
		WHAT?!

ETHEL enters.  Like BEE she is fashionably dressed in the style of the early 1950s - tight-waisted suit with a full longer skirt, post-Dior, a ruffled blouse, a lot of clanking jewellery and coloured high-heeled shoes.  She sees the two remaining flower arrangements.

			ETHEL
		What is this, some sort of morticians’ reunion -(She is brought up short by the sight of BEE’s hat.)

		Wh - ?
BEE stands her ground.  There is a silent stand-off.  BEE thrusts a drink at ETHEL, who swallows it in one, prowls, inspecting the hat.

		BEE
Cool eh?

			ETHEL
		Are you kidding?

			BEE
		I look like Myrna Loy.

			ETHEL
		You do not.  For God’s sake, Bee - a picture hat?  In December?

			BEE
		Shelter from the storm, besides, it frames the face.

			ETHEL
		So you’re a landscape and since when have you been wearing yellow, what sort of colour is that?

			BEE
		The flattering kind.

			ETHEL
		Who says so?

			BEE
		Emil.

			ETHEL
		Uch-oh.

		(She shakes her head in pity.)   What d’you do to him?

		(She inspects the hat again, unnerving BEE.  A thought occurs to ETHEL, stopping her in her tracks.)

			ETHEL (Cont’d)
		You didn’t buy that in his salon?  (She pronounces it `salonne’.)

			BEE
		Sure, why not?

			ETHEL
		You mean, sitting down?  At one of those little fancy tables with the pimp mirrors?

			BEE
		(Aggressive) Yeah!

			ETHEL
		Bee.  Bee.  Don’t you know?  Never - ever - buy a hat sitting down.

			BEE
		Why the hell not?

			ETHEL
		Because it’ll look - well - I don’t know - (she has forgotten the reason) - when you stand up it’s - it can...

BEE sits and stands.

			BEE
		What’s the difference?

			ETHEL
		(Shrugs) Has to be something.

			BEE
		Who says so?

			ETHEL
		Cole.

			BEE
		Mr Porter?  (Conceding) Oh well.

They settle with a drink.
			ETHEL
		Fan Club arrived?

		BEE
		Yup.  Just made it, snow’s pretty heavy.

ETHEL goes to the window to inspect the state of the weather.  Looks out, craning down to look at the street below.

			ETHEL
		(Soft) Wow...

BEE joins her and they look up at the huge, gently drifting flakes of snow.

			ETHEL
		Look at the sized of the flakes - you ever see snowflakes that big?

			BEE
		We could be in trouble.

			ETHEL
		Kinda nice - (BEE looks in enquiry) the way they move.  (She sways gently) Rain’ll come straight down your cleavage -  snow’s different.  More of a  - a beguine.

			BEE
		Change the tempo, kid - this keeps up we’ll be playing to chairbacks tomorrow.

			ETHEL
		No we won’t.

They watch the snow, mesmerised.

			BEE
		(Sings softly)  There may be trouble ahead.

Starting a capella ETHEL takes up the song  “Let’s Face the Music and Dance.”  As the music comes in ETHEL and BEE circle each other lazily, their tempo in time with the snowflakes, singing in duet.  They bow briefly to each other as the song and the dance end.

			ETHEL
		OK, kid.  Rehearsal.

			BEE
		Yeah, better get down there while we can still make it -

			ETHEL
		(Going) - without skis.

ETHEL exits.  BEE puts on her coat, finds her gloves and bag, waits, looking at her watch.  ETHEL returns.  She too has an enswathing mink - a dark wild mink in her case - over one arm.  She carries galoshes.    BEE holds the coat while ETHEL puts on her galoshes and swathes her hair in a large gauzy scarf.  Puts out her arms for the coat, does it up lovingly, puts on her gloves, picks up her bag.  And turns towards BEE.

A standoff about the hat.  ETHEL’S face is adamant.  So is BEE’S.  Silence.

			BEE
		Oh, for fuck’s sake.

She rips off the felt picture hat and dashes it to the floor.  They contemplate it.  Then BEE stamps on it with both feet.

			ETHEL
		Yee-haw!

She watches as BEE takes a woollen scarf from her coat pocket, ties it tight round her head, so that she looks like a mittel-European refugee peasant.

			ETHEL
		O-Kay.  Bring on the chorus line!

Shrieking like twelve-year-olds they leave in a hurry.

SCENE TWO.

Onstage at the theatre.

ETHEL and BEE arrive, their coats over their shoulders now that they are in the warm, escorted by the ARTISTIC DIRECTOR and the STAGE MANAGER.  The ARTISTIC DIRECTOR monopolises ETHEL while members of the ETHEL MERMAN FAN CLUB SINGERS (EMFCS) wait apart in an eager group.

BEE and the STAGE MANAGER manage to prize ETHEL away from the A.D. who leaves, waving his blessing and adoration.  GORDON, ETHEL’S pianist arrives, sits at the piano with a wave to ETHEL who pulls a silly face at him.

			BEE
		C’mon - the Emfucks await.  The Emfucks.  E-M-F-C-S - the Ethel Merman Fan Club Singers.

			ETHEL
		Since when?

			BEE
		Since you rolled them into all this.

			ETHEL
		(With feeling) The Emfucks, eh?

She turns with a dazzling smile, to the group, makes to join them then changes her mind, turns back to BEE.

			ETHEL
		The Emfucks?  For Chrissakes, Bee, we’re supposed to be respectable.

			BEE
		What do you want me to do?

			ETHEL
		This is a straight gig.  Change the name!

			BEE
		(Mutters) What you want, the Fan Club Occasional Festival Facility - F.C.O.F.F.?
ETHEL looks ready to attack her, contents herself with a terrifying scowl, hands BEE her coat, gloves, scarf, bag and galoshes...shakes herself, wiggles her hands to relax, and bears down on the Fan Club, who can hardly contain their excitement.  She shakes them all by the hand.
			ETHEL
		(To SAL) We met before, didn’t we?

			SAL
		(A rangy woman with a shrewd, careful manner) Great memory, Miss M.

ETHEL turns to a little squitty woman.

			ETHEL
		Hi, Rosy.

The LITTLE WOMAN gives her a sort of sideways glare.

ETHEL kisses CONSTANCE on the cheek.  CONSTANCE, an upper-east side lady with an immaculate hair-do, is the National Chairwoman of the Ethel Merman Fan Club.

			ETHEL
		Connie, great to see you - all set?

			CONSTANCE
		Oh yes indeed, Ethel.

			DOLORES
		We’re ready, Miss M!

The others nod, crowding ETHEL.

			ETHEL
		(Backing off) Okeydokey - take it away!  Over to you, Norm.

She nods to NORMAN, the STAGE MANAGER, who corralls the GIRLS into a group, gives them advice and instruction.  ETHEL moves over to BEE.

			ETHEL
		(Aside, to BEE) Remind me.

			BEE
		(Indicating discreetly) The one with the big ass is June, good voice - head and chest - has a lot of kids so favours this charity.  Connie you know, never did figure what’s she’s doing in the Ethel Merman Fan Club.

			ETHEL
		She likes my shit.

			BEE
		She likes opera!

			ETHEL
		So?

She goes into a sustained passage from The Flower Song, disrupting the Stage Manager’s notes and getting a round from the fans.  ETHEL smiles and waves.

			ETHEL
		Just testing.  (To BEE) Connie’s a friend of Cole’s.

			BEE
		So likes opera AND shit.

			ETHEL
		(Nods towards DOLORES) Who’s the Dorothy Lamour?

			BEE
		Dolores.  Joined by mistake last fall - came to what she thought was a Peggy Lee night.

			ETHEL
		Girl’s got taste.

			BEE
		Yeah.  Nice deep-throated gal - good contralto, too.  Her husband’s in haulage - fixes transport for us on the road.

			ETHEL
		Great - just make sure you mask her, I don’t want her upstaging me.

			BEE
		That’ll be the day.

Their attention turns to the tiny witch-like WOMAN standing slightly apart from the group.

			BEE
		That one we know.

			BEE and ETHEL
		Rose-Ilene!

			ETHEL
		(Sings, low) “If you knew Rosy, like I know Rosy - “

			BEE
		“Oh, oh, oh what a gal - “

			ETHEL
		Don’t worry about it, has to be one crown of thorns in a production - (mutters) usually the second lead.  Who’s the big gal?  Says we’ve met.

			BEE
		Sarah McBride - Sal - mystery lady.  Texan.  Don’t know a thing about her except she can sure sink the stingers.

			ETHEL
		Texan, huh?

She nods, crosses to the group, who turn, eager for her attention.

			ETHEL
		Gather round, girls.  As you know, our show here in New Haven is the preview for Boston.  Boston’s the biggie so wrap up warm and don’t catch a cold you might give it to me.  (Lifts a hand to quieten them.)  In Boston we’ll be staying at the Ritz.  (Awed responses.)

			SAL
		Won’t that eat into our take?

			ETHEL
		Uchuch.  All on the house, fixed by the local fans.  This charity’s popular, maybe because Boston has the best doctors in the world and they understand what we’re trying to do.

			ROSE-ILENE
		What are we trying to do?

			ETHEL
		Good works.

			BEE
		With Miss M giving up her time, which is precious.

The GIRLS applaud.

			ROSE-ILENE
		So what’s the charity?

		(She turns to DOLORES, who feigns innocence, then to JUNE, who looks awkward.)

What are we singing for, nobody told me.

Silence.

			JUNE
		(Small voice) It’s medical.

			ROSE-ILENE
		What kind of medical?

			CONNIE
		I don’t think we need go into detail.

			ROSE-ILENE
		I need to know.

Slight pause.

			DOLORES
		(Clears her throat) It’s for women.

			ROSE-ILENE
		Women’s diseases?  What kind of diseases?  Not - ?

			JUNE
		Oh no.  Not that.

			DOLORES
		Not at all.

			ETHEL
		If you really need to know, Rosy -

			BEE
		She doesn’t.

			ROSE-ILENE
		If I’m giving my middle C - twice - I need to know.

			ETHEL
		You don’t...believe me.

			CONNIE
		Look, shall we move on?

			ROSE-ILENE
		Is somebody going to spill or am I walking?

			BEE
		Snow gets any deeper it’ll be over her head as soon as she hits the sidewalk.

			ROSE-ILENE
		I’ve given more than my fair share to this fan club, I’m a founder member from 1935 - where do you get off, all of you, paytronising me after years of loyalty to Big Voice here - I’ve never missed a show!

			ETHEL
		(Losing it) OK - OK, you old bat.  We’re doing this gig for black women in Africa who are suffering with fistulas, OK?

			ROSE-ILENE
		Fistulas?  What the hell is that?

			BEE
		(Sing-Song) Told you.

		Tell her.

			ETHEL
		Right.  Sure.  Where’s Gordon?

She looks round to make sure that he has gone and that there are no men present.

			ETHEL
		A fistula is when you’ve given birth and it’s such a disaster that your bladder or your bowel or both are torn so badly that you can’t pee or sh- ah, go to the bathroom like a civilised human being, everything just runs down your legs.  Which means that you smell of the john all the time. 
			ETHEL (Cont’d)
		Which doesn’t make you Miss Popular.

			CONNIE
		What happens is that these women are banished from their villages.  Their children are taken from them and they’re driven out into the jungle to live as outcasts.

Pause.

			ROSE-ILENE
		How in the name of Beelzebub did we get into all this?

			ETHEL
		Bee read an article on an aeroplane.  About two young English doctors - surgeons -

			BEE
		Husband and wife.

			ETHEL
		They volunteered for six months in Africa -

			BEE
		Seven years later -

			ETHEL
		- they’re still there.

			CONNIE
		Healing women -

			JUNE
		So’s they can go back to their villages -

			DOLORES
		- and be with their children again.

			ETHEL
		We’re raising money for medical and surgical supplies and to build a new hospital.

			JUNE
		Tell her about the dresses, Miss M!

			ETHEL
		Oh, and the docs had a great idea!  (A murmur of agreement) Guess it could have been the lady doc, huh?  (Agreement) When the women are all done with their surgical repairs so’s they can function properly and not smell like army latrines any more -

			JUNE
		The hospital ushers them into this special, nice room -

			DOLORES
		- which is just brimming with rolls and rolls of beautiful coloured cloth -

			JUNE
		Flower patterns, birds -

			DOLORES
		- leaves - squirly designs - anything they want -

			JUNE
		And the women can choose -

			DOLORES
		-whichever’s their favourite cloth for a dress to make them look good as well as feel good.

			JUNE
		To make them happy.

Slight pause.
			ETHEL
		So what about it, Rosy?

			CONNIE
		Isn’t it wonderful?  A worthy cause?  Women helping women?

Slight pause.

			ROSE-ILENE
		I don’t get it.  The Ethel Merman Fan Club has a lot of male members - do they know about this?

		I thought not.

		What in the name of Jehosophat made whoever it was pick on something dirty?  What’s wrong with a respectable ailment like cancer or coronary disease?

			ETHEL
		Rose-Ilene...just...just save your voice and concentrate on Boston.

			ROSE-ILENE
		If we ever make it.

The GROUP turn on her in protest.

			ETHEL
		We’ll make it.

			ROSE-ILENE
		Hah.

			ETHEL
		What do you mean - hah?

			ROSE-ILENE
		(Darkly) I’m from Minnesota.

ETHEL, like everyone else, is baffled.

			ETHEL
		OK, folks, let’s get to it.  Connie, did you agree on your number?

Laughter.

			CONNIE
		Eventually - after suggestions from high opera to skat singing, whatever that might be.

			DOLORES
		We got there - after sutures -

			JUNE
		Bandaid -

			ETHEL
		So surprise me.

The GIRLS go straight into “Joshua Quit the Battle of Jericho” a capella.  ETHEL stops them after the first four bars.

			ETHEL
		(Genuine) Girls, that’s great!  I’m impressed.  Just watch your voices - keep the lemon and honey close, it’s a tough time of year -

		(She turns, calls) Gordon!

		(She gives a piercing whistle.)

			GORDON
		Heard you the first time, Miss M!

Laughter as he hurtles on to the piano stool.  ETHEL crosses, they have a brief conversation, then ETHEL comes down centre.

			ETHEL
		OK.  I go, spiel, spiel, spiel, spiel - then -

She breaks into “Puttin on the Ritz”, segues into “Time After Time” - crosses, making a costume change and we are in the night club, El Morocco.  At the end of the song ETHEL joins the DUKE and DUCHESS of WINDSOR.  The DUKE rises, kisses ETHEL, takes her stole.  The DUCHESS hands ETHEL a drink.

			DUCHESS
		Champagne on the rocks - in a long glass.

			ETHEL
		Duchess gal - you got my number.

She takes a drink.  Calls of “Encore”.  The DUKE and DUCHESS rise and clap.  So ETHEL rises, performs a short “You’re the Top”, swirls, pearls flying, glass in hand.  She collapses on the sofa in the HOLIDAY INN suite, losing her finery en route.

On the sofa she and BEE relax, reminiscing.

			BEE
		You swapped jokes with the Duchess?  Not your kind of jokes?

			ETHEL
		Why not, what’s wrong with earthy?  Earthy’s not dirty.  Nah, I told her my favourite - well, to kick off with.

			BEE
		Not the chicken joke?

			ETHEL
		Yeah, you remember.  Farmer hears hollering from the hen-house, goes out with his gun, ses “Who’s there?”

			BEE
		And a voice says (accent) “Ain’t nobody here but us chicken!”  Did she laugh?

			ETHEL
		She’d heard it before.

			BEE
		You didn’t do the one about the Irishman?

			ETHEL
		Yup.

			BEE
		Oops.

			ETHEL
		She loved it.

GARY knocks and enters.

			ETHEL
		Hi, Gary.

He resupplies the drinks trolley and tray, adds cigarettes to the large plated cigarette box.

			GARY
		D’you hear the news, ladies?

			ETHEL
		No - what?

			BEE
		Harry Truman wears women’s underwear?  Bing Crosby’s gone legit?

GARY is bending over the radio - finds a news station.

			RADIO
		- and will be closed down.  A state of emergency has been announced for the whole of Rhode Island.  All transport is at a standstill and emergency services are being handed over to the military.  (He switches off.)

			BEE
		Jesus.

			GARY
		We’re fine here.  You ladies need anything?

BEE smiles, shakes her head.  ETHEL crosses to the window, looks down at the scene below.  GARY goes and BEE joins ETHEL at the window.

			BEE
		My God.  Nothing left - no street, no sidewalk, no cars, not even bumps to show where they were - hey, suppose there are people inside, buried alive - Hey - where’s MY car?  Where the hell is it?

			ETHEL
		Sitting under four foot of snow, for Chrissakes, not getting stolen.  Gee, don’t you love it?  There’s a style about snow, like God had another thought after making rain, came up with a better idea.  (BEE looks at her.)  It’s so - I don’t know - quiet.  So - good-looking.

			BEE
		Ask it for a date.

A knock.

			BEE
		(Calls) Come in.

			CONNIE
		(Enters) Sorry to intrude.

			ETHEL
		What’s up - don’t tell me Rose-Ilene’s quitting.

			CONNIE
		(Smiles) No.  You heard the news.
			ETHEL
		About the emergency?  (Nods.)

			CONNIE
		People are coming in off the street, we’ve been helping in the lobby.  The hotel is being magnificent, beds are made up everywhere, nothing too much trouble.  We’ve given our rooms to some hospital patients who’re stranded, we’re going to sleep in the corridors.

			ETHEL
		Connie, there’s no need for -

			CONNIE
		It’s fine -

			ETHEL
		Forget it, Bee and I’ll take the sofas and you girls can fight it out in the bedrooms.

			CONNIE
		Oh Ethel, thank you.  I’ll tell them.

CONNIE makes to go, pauses.

			ETHEL
		What?

			CONNIE
		Rose-Ilene.  (Shakes her head) I doubt that she’ll be willing to share a room.

			BEE
		Tell her to boil her head.

ETHEL and CONNIE look at each other, accepting defeat.

			ETHEL
		Give her my room.  The bed’s king-size, who knows, she may never be seen again.

			CONNIE
		(Laughs) Thanks.

She exits, returns with the GIRLS and their stuff.

			CONNIE
		(To ROSE-ILENE) Miss Merman has offered you her room, Rose-Ilene.

			ROSE-ILENE
		I’m not sharing, even with her.

			ETHEL
		Nope, you’re on your own, Rosy - best room in the house.

CONNIE takes ROSE-ILENE off.  They return at once.

			CONNIE
		She doesn’t like it, it faces the wrong way.

BEE points to the other bedroom.  CONNIE and ROSE-ILENE cross and exit.  A pause.  CONNIE returns.

			CONNIE
		She says it will do and where’s the bathroom?

BEE rises, exits to second bedroom.

			ETHEL
		Girls, we’re laughing - my bedroom could house a brigade of guards, what’s more there’s a dressing room with a divan and a sofa.

			SAL
		Don’t worry, Miss M -

			DOLORES
		We’ll be fine.

GARY arrives with blankets which are sorted and taken off.  ETHEL nods to GARY points to the GIRLS and then her open mouth.  He nods and goes.  BEE returns with ROSE-ILENE, now in dressing-gown, slippers and shower cap.  The GIRLS return severally.  BEE returns from showing ROSE-ILENE the bathroom, mixes drinks.  ETHEL puts a folded blanket for herself and BEE by each sofa with precise readiness.  DOLORES watches in admiration.

			DOLORES
		Hey, neat, Miss M”!

			ETHEL
		I was a stenographer, kid. 
		Teaches you precision.

		(Looks around.)

		Well girls, I have to say - Q.E.D. - quite easily done.

GARY wheels in a trolley laden with food.

			JUNE
		Oh, wow!

			ETHEL
		Gary, you are Magical.  Just follow the Yellow Brick Road, there’s a Gary at the end of it.

			GARY
		Anything for you, Miss M - I saw Annie Get Your Gun 22 times!

			ETHEL
		And I never missed a performance.

			CONNIE
		(To GARY) Thank you so much, I hope we’re not depriving anyone.

			GARY
		The Holiday Inn can cope, ma’am - chefs are down there baking bread, defrosting ribs, breaking out the ice-cream...

		Exciting, eh?

He goes, with a wave.

			CONNIE
		What a very nice boy.

			DOLORES
		Dishy, too.

Musical bridge (music from Annie Get Your Gun.)
Light change.
The party have eaten and are sitting around, warm and full.  JUNE looks out of the window.

			JUNE
		This is truly awesome.  I never saw anything like it before.  D’you get snow in Texas, Sal?

			SAL
		Nope.

			DOLORES
		(At the window) We could be anywhere.

			JUNE
		Or nowhere.

			ETHEL
		You’re right.  Know what it feels like? - it’s like being in the war again.  Everything out of shape, all the signposts gone...

			DOLORES
		...and your life changed - completely.

			JUNE
		Mine did, that’s for sure.  (Murmurs) Thanks, Bee.  (Takes a drink from BEE.)

			ETHEL
		Not good, eh?

			JUNE
		(Hesitates) You could say so.  Doug, my husband, was always crazy to fly.  As soon as war was declared he went to Canada, volunteered.

			DOLORES
		But didn’t you have young children?

			JUNE
		Yup.  Holden was still in diapers.

			BEE
		What happened, did he, was - ?

			JUNE
		Reported missing in action over Germany in ‘41.  Ed was Doug’s navigator, he’d missed the flight with the ‘flu.  Later he came out to see me, to bring Doug’s...

		The boys needed a father!

			SAL
		You mean -

			DOLORES
		You married the guy?  You did it for them?

			JUNE
		I did it for me.

			ETHEL
		You don’t have to feel disloyal about it.  Because you lost Doug doesn’t mean you have to -

			JUNE
		He came back.  In ‘46.  Ed and I had just had Faye, our daughter.

			ETHEL
		Jesus, kid.

Slight pause.

			JUNE
		Doug’d had a terrible time in Germany.  After two attempts to escape they...(she struggles)...his body was ruined.  (Pause)  Ed’s parents came down from Canada...they were frantic about losing their first grandchild.  What could I do?  I had to go where the need was greatest.

			DOLORES
		...and you loved Doug.

			JUNE
		No.  I loved Ed.  Always will.

		Doug’s fine.  Still has bad nights but we do OK.

Silence.

			DOLORES
		Know when I first saw you live, Miss M?  “Something For the Boys” - Alvin Theatre, ‘43.

			BEE
		Hey, I danced that show.

			DOLORES
		You’re kidding!

ETHEL sings a few bars of “Hey, Good-Looking.”  Applause - BEE whistles...laughter.

			DOLORES
		What’s your story, Bee?

			BEE
		Me, I’m just a gypsy, a dancer.  Merm and I met - when was it, babe?

			ETHEL
		1934.  Anything Goes - 

			BEE
		Music and lyrics by -

			ETHEL
		The one - the only -

			GIRLS
		(Severally) Cole Porter!

Applause.  Then quiet.

			ETHEL
		So?

			BEE
		So what?

			ETHEL
		Make with the life story!  (Murmurs of agreement - the GIRLS are loving this intimacy with their idol.)

			BEE
		(Glowering at ETHEL) Which one d’you want?

			ETHEL
		Cleanse yourself, girl.  You’re among friends, snowed under - who knows, you may never see Pittsburgh again.

			ETHEL   (Cont’d)
		She was indited for murder.

		(Gasps of horror.  JUNE gives a little scream.)

		And harassment.  Not only of a Senator but his dentist.

			BEE
		For fuck’s sake!

			ETHEL
		Language Miz Madsen, nee Mankiewicz -

			BEE
		And balls to you Miss Merman, nee Zimmermann.

			ETHEL
		(Sing-Song) Language!...

			CONNIE
		Don’t mind me, I was in the navy.

			JUNE
		What happened, Bee?

			SAL
		What was the verdict?

			ETHEL
		Guilty as hell.

A dreadful silence.

			BEE
		Oh, for Heaven’s sakes.  I was sentenced for  running down the Senator’s pet alligator.

			ETHEL
		Wilfully and maliciously killing an innocent beast - and - and for refusing to vacate his dentist’s surgery when the Senator was having root canal.

			BEE
		(With quiet satisfaction) Yup.

			JUNE
		How long were you -

			DOLORES
		Did they -

			ETHEL
		She had to make a printed and verbal apology - in person - and give a donation to endangered species -

			BEE
		Of whom he should have been top of the list, the jerk.

Laughter.

			CONNIE
		You wouldn’t be having us on, would you?

Laughter.
	
			BEE
		Read my memoirs.

			CONNIE
		“Anything Goes” - what a show.

			ETHEL
		Changed my life, that’s for sure.

She begins to sing, very softly “I Get a Kick out of You”, her mood reminiscent, but gradually becoming forte.

The GIRLS applaud.
			JUNE
		Miss M, you are truly the greatest.

			DOLORES
		You make it sound so easy.

			CONNIE
		Right down the centre of the song, yet nothing expected, everything fresh - how do you do it?

			ETHEL
		By trying - work.

		(Laughs)  Cole says I sound like a band going by.  (To CONNIE) So how was the navy?  D’you sail the Seven Seas?

			CONNIE
		Yes, as a matter of fact - the Mediterranean and then the Pacific.  I met my husband on a supply ship.  We were torpedoed, it brought us together.

			ETHEL
		Well it would.

			CONNIE
		(Laughs, then) The trouble with being in a war, nothing’s ever the same again.  You’re just left, if you’re lucky enough to survive, with the rest of your life.  John goes to the bank, I take care of our daughters.  I guess it’s the adrenalin you miss.

			ETHEL
		Try show business!

			CONNIE
		Oh, I’m not that brave - ohh!  (As the lights go out.)
			SAL
		Hey!

			BEE
		Hold on - stay put everyone.

		(She stumbles in the dark.)

		Yup.  Radio’s dead.

DOLORES moves to the window.

			DOLORES
		Street lighting’s out.

			ETHEL
		Looks like the snow is winning.

			SAL
		The army’ll fix things.

GARY enters, a large candelabrum in each hand.  Cheers from the GIRLS.

			ETHEL
		Gary!

			DOLORES
		Saved!

			CONNIE
		Oh, bravo.

			GARY
		The main grid’s down, so they say.  We do have our own generators but it’ll take a little while.

			ETHEL
		Don’t worry about us, kid.

			GARY
		Thanks, ladies - hold on -

MARIA appears with more candlesticks.  The GIRLS applaud.  She curtsies and she and GARY go.

ETHEL holds out her glass.

			BEE
		Coming up.

She refills glasses for SAL and DOLORES.

			DOLORES
		Thanks!  (Lifts her glass) Here’s to the war-time spirit - well, we won!

Laughter.  Everyone drinks.

			BEE
		Good war, Dolores?

			DOLORES
		Nope.  Got hitched, unhitched, hitched, hitched...and hitched again.

			ETHEL
		What?!

			DOLORES
		Married an infantryman - he got killed before the ink was dry - married a fancy-assed captain who got an Italian kid pregnant after Anzio, said her family were going to kill him, probably a big lie, anyway I went to Reno.  Did some war work in Pensacola, married an English flyer, dead within seven months, engine failure, met a saxophone player in New York, I was doing a little singing -

			ETHEL
		You didn’t -

			BEE
		No - you couldn’t -

			ETHEL
		(In horror) Not a sax player!

			BEE
		(Shakes her head) Insane.

			DOLORES
		(Nods) I know.  Took me a year to catch up with the road-running skunk - however, after that I wed a straight guy with his own business.  Got two kids now - dog - cabin on the lake, little place on the Keys, boat, mooring.  Life is sweet.

			BEE
		Yuh?

			DOLORES
		Sure.  Just - I’d like to have stayed with the singing.

			ETHEL
		You gotta nice voice, Dolores - no, I mean it.  You’re musical, not too many singers are, doesn’t always go with the territory.

			DOLORES
		Why, thank you, Miss M.  I think about it but, you know - the family.

			ETHEL
		So what?  Do both.

Her voice is sharp.  A slight hiatus.

			BEE
		(To cover) How about you, Sal - no war-time reminiscences?

			SAL
		Nothing to speak of.

			ETHEL
		Were you in the services?  (SAL looks at her without answering.)  I just get the feeling you -

			SAL
		(Cuts her off) Not really.

			ETHEL
		What does that mean?  What was your job?

			SAL
		Travelling mostly.

			ETHEL
		Where?

			SAL
		Oh...Washington - London - Madrid.

			JUNE
		Madrid?  In Spain?

			ETHEL
		Spain was a neutral country wasn’t it?

			SAL
		Sort of.

			BEE
		What were you doing?

			SAL
		This and that.

An awkward silence.

			CONNIE
		(Filling the gap) Ethel, I heard you at the Stage Door Canteen in ‘43, just before I shipped out.

She pauses, shakes her head slightly.

			ETHEL
		What’s the matter, they gave me the bird?

Laughter.

			CONNIE
		No, no, no - you were wonderful, as always.  It’s just the songs - they stayed in my mind.

			ETHEL
		Good.

			CONNIE
		I thought the brass would have insisted on upbeat - rally the troops.  You didn’t do that.

			ETHEL
		Nope.

			CONNIE
		You weren’t afraid to make the men feel blue?

			ETHEL
		Nope.  Songs stay in the mind when they tell the truth.  That’s what a real song is for.

			ROSE-ILENE
		(At the bedroom door) You got it.

		(They jump startled at her sudden appearance, spectral in white quilted robe and night cap.)

		Enough death and lying in World War 1, where did that get us?  I lost a husband and two fyancays.  Sing it where it’s at.  War’s war.

		(She turns and goes back into her room.)

			ROSE-ILENE (Cont’d)
		(Silence.  ROSE-ILENE sticks her head around the door.)

		What are you waiting for?

She disappears.  ETHEL rises, steps forward and stands, thinking back, remembering.

			ETHEL
		I was pregnant.  Bob was away in the navy.

Murmurs and nods of confirmation from her knowledgeable fans.

Pause.  ETHEL steps centre stage.

Music.  ETHEL begins to sing, softly, “Every Time We Say Goodbye.”

The scene becomes the Stage Door Canteen during World War 2.  ETHEL, in uniform, sings, with full backing:

“I’ll Be Around”
“I’ll Get By”
“Don’t Get Around Much Any More”
“It Had to Be You.”

Loud applause, whistles and cheers from the GIs.  ETHEL kisses her hands to the BOYS, opens her arms to them...waves, and leaves the stage.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The penthouse suite in the HOLIDAY INN, the next morning.  MARIA enters to take away the breakfast trolley as ETHEL appears in dressing gown and big rollers.

			ETHEL
		Hi, Maria.

			MARIA
		Morning, Miss Merman.

			ETHEL
		How’s the weather?

			MARIA
		Sun’s shining but it’s still snowing - pretty weird, huh?

			ETHEL
		The Lord’s sure trying to tell us something - uh, leave the trolley.

She points to BEE, still asleep on the sofa.

			MARIA
		Gee, sorry Miss Merman.  D’you need more coffee?

			ETHEL
		No, this is fine.

		(MARIA goes.)

		Hey buster, shake a leg - chop chop, bust a gut, rise and shine before I run out of cliches.

BEE stirs.

			BEE
		Oh God.

She sits up, looks around.

			BEE
		What city are we - oh (it comes back to her.)  Where is everybody?

			ETHEL
		Breakfast.  Rosy was down crack of dawn to be first at the buffet, didn’t want to miss the breaded shrimp.

			BEE
		Maybe they don’t grow in Minnesota.

			ETHEL
		The ‘phones are still out.  Gary says they’re being fixed, anyway the girls are walking, wading or sledging over to the theatre to see what gives.

She pours coffee for BEE who accepts it, but spurns the offer of food with a shudder.

			BEE
		Think we’re OK for the show tonight?

			ETHEL
		Of course we are - won’t have the out-of-towners, but we need a run, the girls haven’t done this sort of thing before.

			BEE
		Mmm.  Think it was such a good idea to  use them?  I mean - I don’t know -

			ETHEL
		Can it - that’s last night’s intake talking.

			BEE
		They’re amateurs.

			ETHEL
		So was I, back in Astoria, Long Island.

			BEE
		That was then.  This is now.

			ETHEL
		Listen.  What are we doing this for?  We are doing our nuts for a continent full of broads who’ve been so messed up down below they can’t -

			BEE
		Ethel, not this early in the day, please.

			ETHEL
		I must get dressed.

She exits.  BEE refills her coffee cup, begins to come alive.  The telephone rings.

			ETHEL
		(Offstage) Hey, is that the ‘phone?

			BEE
		(Calls) Yes.  Hullo - hullo, yes - Norman?  Hullo, how are you, are the girls with you?  (She listens) What?!  Why?  Can he do that?  Yeah but why does he - no, she won’t.  Sure I’ll tell her but - let me speak to Connie.  (She waits) Connie?  So Norman said.  Neither do I.  She’s in the - I’ll tell her, call you back - maybe you should stay till I’ve - yeah - OK, we’ll get back to you.  No she can’t Connie - she doesn’t have another free day for eighteen months!  (She puts down the telephone.)

		Jesus Christ.

			BEE  (Cont’d)
		(She gets up, finds a cigarette, glances out of the window.  Crosses and looks out at the lazy snowflakes.)

		Look would you lay off, we’re in enough trouble!

ETHEL is singing offstage.  She enters, now dressed, her hair fixed.

			ETHEL
		(Finishes her brief song) Remember what George said?

			BEE
		“Ethel, promise me - never, ever have a voice lesson” - Merm -

			ETHEL
		And Irving said -

			BEE
		“If you write lyrics for Ethel they’d better be good -

			ETHEL
		- because everybody’s going to hear them!”

			BEE
		Merm -

			ETHEL
		Some of these sopranos could be singing the telephone directory.

			BEE
		Mermo -

			ETHEL
		When people ask “What language are they singing in?” I say “Concert English”.

			BEE
		They’re cancelling the show.
			ETHEL
		I was singing in Fort Worth once -

		WHAT?!!

			BEE
		That was the ‘phone call.  Alexis Friel is nixing the show.

			ETHEL
		What are you talking about, he can’t do that!

			BEE
		Yes he can, he’s the Artistic Director.

			ETHEL
		Get him on the line - now.

			BEE
		(Rings out, holds) Hi, this is Bee Madsen for Miss Merman.  Miss Merman would like a word with Mr Friel, please.  (She holds) What?  Well find him!

		(She puts down the telephone.)

		Probably throwing up in the men’s room.  Should we go round there, rally the troops?

			ETHEL
		Nope - get him over here.

She walks up and down, muttering.

			ETHEL
		Who does he think he is?  I have the orchestra, the backup girls arriving -

			BEE
		- if they make it -

			ETHEL
		Of course they’ll make it, the Fan Club made it!  They’ve put a lot into this, those girls - left their families, their jobs and they’re fucking amateurs excuse my French, how are they supposed to understand the knife in the guts, bullet in the back of show business -

			BEE
		- and life in general.

			ETHEL
		Piss off.

			BEE
		Language.

The ‘phone rings.  BEE picks up.

			BEE
		Hullo?  Norm?  (To ETHEL) It’s Norm - stage manager.

			ETHEL
		I don’t want the monkey, I want the organ-grinder.

			BEE
		(Into the ‘phone) Norm, would you tell Mr Friel that Miss Merman fully understands - (she pushes ETHEL away) - she’d appreciate a word just to thank him for his efforts on behalf of us all - (ETHEL gets the message) - absolutely true - a snowstorm is an act of God, who are we to - I’ll hold the line.

BEE and ETHEL wave thumbs at each other and wait for a sizeable pause.

			BEE
		Hullo - hullo - Mr Friel?  I’ll hand you over to Miss Merman.  Miss Merman?

			ETHEL
		Thank you, Miss Madsen.  Mr Friel - Adrian?

			BEE
		Alexis.		

			ETHEL
		Alexis...so sweet of you to call, I was just getting ready to come into rehearsal - how may we help?

		Misunderstanding? - oh surely not, your crew yesterday were most helpful, we’re looking forward to tonight.

		I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, there must be snow on the line - what did you say, Adrian?

			BEE
		Alexis.

			ETHEL
		Alexis.  Alexis - are you there?  (She listens at length.)  Listen to me you little whey-faced bristle-brush, she’s telling me Norm says you say the show is cancelled.  The show is NOT cancelled.  Because I say so.  What?  Because I AM the show and if I say the show is not cancelled it is not, repeat not, cancelled.  I don’t care if the crew is stranded, to hell with the snow, what’s with the excuses - what orchestra, it’s a five-piece...so fix some local guys, now! - let’s see some action.  Listen.  Listen to me. 
			ETHEL (Cont’d)
		When Ethel Merman says she’ll show she shows.  Never mind the lighting, anyway that’s a lie, the electricity’s back on...well it is here, at the Holiday Inn.  It is not impossible.  It is possible and it will happen.  Put Norm on the line - hullo - hullo?

		(She puts down the telephone.)

		He cut me off!

BEE picks up the ‘phone, dials.

			BEE
		Could I speak to the Stage Manager, please?  (She waits.)

		Norm?  The little prick put the ‘phone down on Miss M - is he there?  (Listens)  So what? - if he doesn’t want to play we’ll run tonight without him, he’s only the A.D. what do they do except get in the way and asshole budgets - what do you mean, majority equity?  He holds the ground lease?  Oh, give me a break.

		We’ll get back to you.

She puts down the telephone.  It rings at once.  ETHEL paces.

			BEE
		Yeah?  Norm?  (She listens.)

		You’re kidding!

		Yup - I’ll tell her.

			ETHEL
		Tell me what?

			BEE
		Our distinguished Artistic Director has just quit the building and at this moment is being air-lifted out by helicopter along with two heart-lung machines, a veteran with breathing problems and June Havoc who has a 7pm curtain-up - what?  (She listens) OK, buddie, get back to you.  (Puts down the ‘phone.)

		It doesn’t look good.  Their electrics are still out, there’s nobody in the building bar Norm, he says there’s no heating and no way we’ll get an audience.  The radio’s warning people to stay home - a man and his German shepherd got suffocated by a fall of snow.

			ETHEL
		Jesus.

			BEE
		Snow one - people nil.  Yup.

ETHEL paces, thinking.

			ETHEL
		Could try the university.

			BEE
		(Shakes her head) They’ll be in the same situation.

			ETHEL
		We need the theatre.  Try Norm again.  Say we’ll come in and rehearse in our coats and mufflers, give him time to fix up some kind of heating -

			BEE
		How?  With what?  Merm, the guy’s on his own, how’s he supposed to - who’d handle -

		I don’t know.  Maybe we should -

			ETHEL
		No.

			BEE
		Mermy, we didn’t make the snow.  It’s like Adrian, I mean Alexis said...Act of God.

			ETHEL
		Yeah.  Yeah.

		Well, if it was an act of God, it was for a reason.  We just have to figure it out.

		(She walks about.)

		Maybe if we did the show at the theatre there’d be some kind of disaster -

			BEE
		Like Abe Lincoln getting knocked off?

			ETHEL
		Could be.  Or a fire, or maybe the building collapses and people rush out and get crushed to death!

		Maybe we shouldn’t play that space.

			BEE
		Maybe Adrian’s right.

			ETHEL
		Alexis - no, he’s just a snerg.  Taking a seat on a helicopter - he’s an emergency?

			BEE
		I could think of another word.

			ETHEL
		Probably keeping out a woman in labour with triplets, would you do that?

			BEE
		No, but thousands would if they knew you had your pecker up.

			ETHEL
		True.

		(She ponders.)

		Right.  Time for decision.

		We’ll do the show right here in the hotel - tonight.  So’s we’ll be ready for Boston on Thursday.

			BEE
		Assuming we make it there.

			ETHEL
		Roads’ll be clear in a couple of days, you’re talking about the U.S. of A.!  Yeah - perfect solution, right here in the barn, to coin a phrase.  (She whoops into the Flower Song in celebration.)

			BEE
		Can it! - where you gonna put us - in the lobby?

			ETHEL
		No stupid, the function room - has its own entrance and seats at least 500 people.
			BEE
		Who?  What people?

			ETHEL
		The guests and all the other folks sheltering under this roof.  It’ll be like Chaucer - a gathering of unknown travellers drawn together by - by - by -

			BEE
		Snow!

			ETHEL
		- by Fate, dammit!  OK, we can’t sell tickets but we’ll get them to dig in their pockets, anyway we need the run.  Still suit our purpose if nobody shows - well apart from the timing, you need an audience for that.

			BEE
		Merm.  It’s a nice try.

			ETHEL
		So?

			BEE
		It can’t work.

			ETHEL
		Why not?

			BEE
		Because you don’t have a lighting plot, a sound plot, you don’t have decks, SMS, ASMs, doowah girls - you don’t have a band! - musicians!

			ETHEL
		So we do it a capella.

			BEE
		“We”?

			ETHEL
		Yeah.  You - me - and the Fan Club.

			BEE
		The Fan Club?  They’re singing one number - Joshua - 

			ETHEL
		Yeah, and they sound great.

			BEE
		Because they’ve been practising - for months!  That’s their repertoire - one number!

			ETHEL
		Bee, they’re singers.  OK, amateurs, but they can sing.  You helped audition them.

		Listen.

		(She finds a tape in her bag.)

		They’ve been getting together cross-country.  They’re keen!

		(She puts on the tape.  The Fan Club sing, in close harmony “Bye, Bye Blackbird.”  ETHEL runs it for a few bars, switches off.)

		What do you think?

			BEE
		What else have they got?

			ETHEL
		(Reads from the tape cover) Thers’s a Blue Ridge Round My Heart Virginia (BEE shakes her head, she’s never heard of it so ETHEL sings the first two lines) - My Heart Belongs to Daddy - Amazing Grace - You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby - Schubert’s Ave Maria?

			BEE
		Hah - covering the waterfront.

		(She muses.)  I don’t know, Merm -

			EDITH
		Come on.

			BEE
		Who’ll play piano?

			ETHEL
		Gordon!

			BEE
		If we can raise him.  He’s staying with some celebrity - could be snowed in by now.

			ETHEL
		Connie plays piano.

BEE rises firmly at this.

			BEE
		I’ll find Gordon.  (Pauses) Merm, the hotel’l never go for this, they’ve got their hands full.

			ETHEL
		They’ll love us.  Get the girls, I got things to do.

She disappears.  BEE picks up the telephone, talks under bridging music, then disappears into bedroom.  She emerges at once in her mink coat, picks up her bag, notices her abandoned hat perched on a lamp, clamps it on her head defiantly and exits.

Music.  A knock when the music ends.  Another knock.  CONNIE, JUNE and DOLORES enter.

			CONNIE
		(Finding no-one there) Oh.

			DOLORES
		Miss Merman?

			JUNE
		Hullo?  (Calls louder) Hullo?

The telephone rings.  CONNIE answers.

			CONNIE
		Hullo.  Bee!  Where is everyone?  Yes, we’re - Oh.  I’ll tell Miss M, she isn’t - yes she is.

			ETHEL
		(Strides in, ready for action) Hi!  (CONNIE hands her the telephone.  She listens.)

		Find him.  Get Norm - where’s Norm?  (She waits, making reassuring gestures to the GIRLS.)

		Norm?  Norm, d’you wanna come over, manage the show for me tonight?  Here - right here in the Holiday Inn, they’re giving us all the support we need - (reactions from the GIRLS) my winsome shy charm did it again - Norm I need you, OK?  It’ll be fine, trust me.  (Makes to put the ‘phone down.)  And get Gordon.  (She puts down the telephone.)

		Hi, girls.

			ETHEL   (Cont’d)
		(They greet her, dazed.)

		Take a seat, sidddown, save your energy, you’re gonna need it.  Connie, how good are your hands?  (She moves her fingers like a piano player.)

			CONNIE
		I’m a modest player, Ethel.

			ETHEL
		Read music?

			CONNIE
		Oh yes.

			ETHEL
		Can you vamp?

			CONNIE
		Vamp?

			ETHEL
		Fill in - busk - cover the gaps, drown the disasters -

			CONNIE
		I don’t think so, no.

			ETHEL
		- because if we don’t raise Gordon and the Holiday Inn can’t find us a piano player - enough people here, surely some of their mothers made them stick with the lessons.  Don’t worry, Connie, we won’t use you ‘less we have to.

		(CONNIE sits abruptly, deeply alarmed.)

		Now girls - Where’s Rose-Ilene?

			DOLORES
		Having her feet done.  (ETHEL lifts her eyes to heaven.)

ETHEL waves a hand, brushing this aside.

			ETHEL
		OK.  Now.  We’re doing the show here.  Tonight.  (Quells their panic.)  We don’t’ have a band, we don’t have a crew - we may have a Stage Manager if Norm comes  good - what am I talking about, he’ll be here, he’s a Pro, anyway, be professional suicide to cross me - just kidding.  What do you think?  Great, huh?

			CONNIE
		Heavens.  Well, you can depend on us, we’ll give you all the support we can.  (JUNE and DOLORES murmur fervently.)  How may we help - apart from moving heaven and earth to find a pianist who can vamp.

			ETHEL
		Help?  Babes - tonight you ARE the show.  You girls will be sharing the list with me - you’ll be doing the bridges - taking over the doo-wah - and - (she brandishes their tape) - performing a couple of your numbers that wowed me so much I was going to slot you in anyway.

The GIRLS are too stunned to speak.

			CONNIE
		Doo-wah?  (She is baffled.)

			ETHEL
		Yup.

			JUNE
		What does that - ?

			DOLORES
		Will we - ?

			ETHEL
		Nothing to it.  All you have to do is listen - rehearse - and rehearse again till you get it right - without - without using up all your energy so there’s none left for the show.

SAL enters, nods to ETHEL.

			SAL
		Seating’s fixed.  The head electrician will help out with a couple of spotlights - amplification could be better but the heating is working and there’ll be a bar set up for the interval.

			ETHEL
		You bet - on the ball, that guy.  Who is he, remind me - the good-looking one, the manager.

			SAL
		Pete Helguson.  Simone, the red head PR, is on the case banging out flyers to take around town.  Snowploughs are busy and the sun is shining so we’ll be getting meltdown.

			ETHEL
		Fetch out the dinghies, girls.

			DOLORES
		Well it is called New Haven - sorry Miss Merman.  Do you really, seriously think we can do this?  Not embarrass you by making total and utter assholes of ourselves?
			JUNE
		My nerves will get the better of me, I know they will.

			ETHEL
		No they won’t.

			JUNE
		I’m willing, Miss M, honest, it’s just that if I get rattled I tend to throw up.

			ETHEL
		Don’t worry, June, all part of the profession, what do you think the fire buckets are for?  I’ll stick you on the end of the line, you can make a run for it if you have to.

			JUNE
		Thank you, Miss M.

			CONNIE
		(To SAL) You don’t happen to know if the hotel has a resident pianist or if there is a pianist - any pianist staying in the hotel?

			JUNE
		Who can vamp.

			SAL
		Sorry?

			CONNIE
		I’ll sing my heart out tonight, I promise, but oh dear - I have absolutely no faith at all in my capacity to follow, cover - do all the things that you require - I’m afraid the naked truth is we don’t have a pianist.

BEE, at the door.

			BEE
		Dadah!!
With a flourish she produces GORDON.

			GORDON
		Hi, girls.

SCENE TWO

The FUNCTION ROOM in the HOLIDAY INN.  A piano in situ.

The GIRLS, crowded together stage right are in a bad state of nerves.  Sounds of an audience on the P/A.  The GIRLS peak out at the people.

			JUNE
		So many people!

			CONNIE
		Where can they have come from?  I know the weather’s eased -

			SAL
		The hotel’s crammed to bursting.

			JUNE
		Even so -

			DOLORES
		They’ve come to see Miss M.

			DOLORES
		(Calls) You can put another row of chairs along here fellers - (indicates just below the stage.)

			JUNE
		No!

		(She looks down - miming reaction to this invasion - loses it, rushes offstage.)

BEE, glammed up, joins the group.

			BEE
		OK?  OK?

		(They nod with weak smiles.)

			BEE (Cont’d)
		Take it easy - no sweat, just leave it to Ethel.  She’ll do the spiel, fill in the gaps - oh, somebody said there’s a celebrity in tonight, staying locally, how about that, maybe Duke Wayne eh?  Where’s June?  (They indicate.)  Oh.

The audience sounds get louder.  GORDON arrives in a tuxedo, takes his place at the piano, with a smiling nod at the audience.

The MANAGER of the HOLIDAY INN, PETER, also in tuxedo, walks on to centre stage, holds up his hand for quiet.

			PETER
		Ladies and gentleman...ladies and gentlemen.  Well, they say every cloud has a silver lining, and tonight that silver lining is here with us.  Thanks to the snowstorm - the beautiful snowstorm - we are able to present to you, our guests, and those to whom we’ve been able to offer shelter (loud applause) - thank you, it’s been a pleasure and I speak for all of the staff - I might add we’re not alone, a lot of townsfolk here tonight have welcomed people into their homes.  (Applause.)

		Folks - the rumours are true.  Not only is Miss Ethel Merman - the great, the one and only Miss Merman a guest of the Holiday Inn but she has agreed, together with the Fan Club Occasional Festivity Flank, (BEE, standing with the GIRLS, grins) to perform the show that had to be cancelled at the theatre.  As some of you may know, Miss Merman was appearing for the Fistula Charity - named to strike a blow for
			PETER   (Cont’d)
		mothers in Africa and to provide them with sewing machines to make pretty dresses for themselves and their children - spreading happiness, ladies and gents, never comes amiss - Miss Bee Madsen, Miss Merman’s assistant is in charge of choosing the fabrics for this worthy charity - (to BEE) we’ll be passing the hat at the end of the concert, I know you’ll all be willing to show our appreciation.  Enough folks.  I’ll get out of the way and leave the stage for the inimitable, the dazzling and enchanting as ever

		Miss - Ethel - Merman!

ETHEL appears.  Applause and cheers.  She goes straight into “Anything Goes” fast and loud.

Applause.

			ETHEL
		And now may I introduce the Ethel Merman Fan Club Singers!

The GIRLS come forward, JUNE joining them at the rush, wincing under the bright lights.  SAL lurks at the back, DOLORES, smiling, waves cheerfully, CONNIE takes a deep breath bravely.  Then ROSE-ILENE hurtles on in a pink and red sateen dress with paillettes, pushing herself into the centre.  This gets a laugh but ROSE-ILENE’S grim demeanour subdues the audience at once.

			ETHEL
		May I introduce Connie Van Buren, our chairwoman, Sara McBride from Texas, (applause),  June Hoffman, all the way from San Diego (applause), Dolores Leeb from New York City and Miz Rose-Ilene Rooney from Minnesota!  (Applause.)

The ladies.  The GIRLS, including BEE, step forward, arrange themselves.
The GIRLS sing “Bye, Bye, Blackbird.”

Applause.  ETHEL steps forward.  GORDON rises, brings her a high stool.  She sits, one foot hooked on a rung of the stool.

			ETHEL
		You know, I was just a nice, ordinary girl from Astoria, New York State.  Nothing great in the looks department, though I’ve never had any complaints about my legs.  Only child, a little naive - when we moved to New York I thought you needed a passport.

		There was just this one thing.  In the church choir I sang louder than anybody else.  It just came out that way.  My parents, who are great, put me through commercial college, thanks Ma, thanks Pa.  It’s because I’ve been a secretary that I have a certain poise- I can handle situations - like reading a contract.  Comes in useful, believe me.

		I got a good job in New York with Mr Caleb Bragg of the B.K. Vacuum Booster Brake Company - I never did figure out what the hell we made - and I started to sing at night, working both sides of the street as they say.  Lou Irwin heard me at the Russian Club, took me on and I started to do so well with supper work that I gave up the day job.

		I was happy - I was doing fine, just fine.  Then one day Lou bells me, ses will I go along to this address on Riverside Drive where all the nobs live and I ask why and he says to meet Mr Gershwin

			ETHEL (Cont’d)
		and Mr Gershwin - Mr George Gershwin and Mr Ira Gershwin - who want to hear me sing.

		Can you imagine?  George Gershwin!  The George Gershwin - and his brother Ira who wrote all his lyrics - it was like being asked to meet God and his brother.

		(She slides off the stool.)

		I remember every bit of it to this day.

She moves up right, ditching her jewellery and changing her shoes.

Light change to half-light (or the scene is played behind gauze.).

GEORGE GERSHWIN is seated at the piano, vamping idly, trying chords and runs.  IRA, his brother, enters quietly, whispers in his ear.  They both look up as the young ETHEL MERMAN arrives, clutching her handbag and her dots.  GEORGE rises, speaks quietly, he is a shy man.

			GEORGE
		Miss Merman, good of you to call.

			ETHEL
		Mr Gershwin, it’s an honour.  I’m...I’m...

(She loses it.)

			GEORGE
		This is my brother Ira.

			ETHEL
		Pleased to meet you.

IRA shakes her hand.

			IRA
		Hullo, Miss Merman.  Do you happen to read dots?
			ETHEL
		Oh yes, I sing in the Lutheran choir.  I brought my music.

She proffers her sheet music but IRA hands her another sheet.

			IRA
		If you could - could you - ?

			GEORGE
		Just - you know -

			IRA
		Take a run at this?

ETHEL nods, scans the score, then waits obediently, for the nod. 

			GEORGE
		When you’re ready.

		We’re looking for someone to drop in a couple of little numbers...

			IRA
		In our new show - “Girl Crazy” -

			GEORGE
		Just to make up...

ETHEL nods, smiles nervously, looks at the score in her hand briefly.

			GEORGE
		(Quietly) Miss Merman, if there’s anything about the song you don’t like I’ll be happy to change it.

			ETHEL
		(Stammers) No - no, thank you Mr Gershwin, this is just fine.

She gets the message, gives him the nod, goes into “I Got Rhythm” full pelt.

Applause from audience.  ETHEL waits for silence.  GEORGE and IRA stare at her.  She picks up her dots and bag from the floor by her feet.  Turns to audience.

			ETHEL
		(To the audience) There was just this - silence.

		I thought “Well, I did my best.”

		Then -

			GEORGE
		(From the shadows) There are several other songs we’d like you to sing, Miss Merman, if you’d care to.

She comes downstage, the memory scene over, putting on her jewellery.

			ETHEL
		I thought I’d died, gone to heaven.

		(She pauses.)

		A couple of songs in `Girl Crazy’ that you might remember.

She sings “But Not For Me” - segues into “Embraceable You.”

Applause.  The GIRLS sing “Joshua Quit the Battle of Jericho” ending with ROSE-ILENE’S middle C.  She steps forward to take a bow.

			ROSE-ILENE
		That middle C is in honour of Ethel Merman who stopped the show at the premeer of Girl Crazy by holding same note for 16 bars - had to reprise the whole number four times!

She steps back in grim triumph.  ETHEL steps forward.

			ETHEL
		My very first fan - Thank you, Rose-Ilene.  Life surely changed from that moment on.  One day the subway and the five and dime, the next, white chiffon with a red cloche hat to set off the spit
			ETHEL   (Cont’d)
		curls, two fox furs with dinky little faces and brown and white spectator shoes.  Couldn’t believe any of it! - the sables, the diamond pins, earrings, Chanel suits, and when I got the chauffeur and the car...which I never used, it was quicker to walk!

		1934.  A show called “Anything Goes.” (Applause.)  Book by Wodehouse and Bolton, revised by Lindsay and Crouse - music and lyrics by Cole Porter.  The one and only.

ETHEL sings:

“I Get a Kick Out of You.”

Applause.

			ETHEL
		Thank you...thank you.  Let’s cut to 1946 - war over - guys - and gals - home again, and to celebrate - a great new show -

Shouts of “Annie!  Annie Get Your Gun!”

			ETHEL
		Annie Get Your Gun!  (Applause.)  Book by Herbert and Dorothy Fields, songs by - who else - Irving Berlin!

The audience call out his name in sync.

ETHEL, backed by the GIRLS, sings a medley of songs from “Annie Get Your Gun”:

“Doin’ What Comes Natur’lly”

“The Girl That I Marry”

“Anything You Can Do”
“They Say It’s Wonderful”

“There’s No Business Like Show Business!”

Finishing strong she throws up her legs on the stool, laughs, accepting applause.  Her attention is drawn to the wings.  A MAN is sitting in a wheelchair, a rug over his knees.  ETHEL runs over to him - bends, kisses him, has  a brief conversation, returns centre stage.  She seems overwhelmed with feeling, but composes herself.

			ETHEL
		Ladies and gentlemen - ladies and gentlemen, I am honoured to tell you that we have a special guest here tonight - thank you, snow - on account of he was on his way to Boston to be at our charity performance.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have the privilege to present to you - Mr Cole Porter.

		(She breaks for a moment as Cole waves a gentle hand from the shadows.)

		As many of you will be aware, Cole had an accident some years ago - his horse not only threw him, but rolled on him - breaking damn nigh every bone in his body.  He’s had - I don’t know - fifty operations on his legs and he’ll hate all this but what can you say about a guy who goes on to write even greater music than before.  What can you say?

		(Applause.  She waits for silence.)

		To end our evening tonight I would like to sing you some of the songs of Cole Porter.  The incomparable Cole Porter - even if he has just told me my pearls are too long.

			ETHEL  (Cont’d)
		You know it’s funny - me, a broad from the sticks and Cole - well - Cole is a gentleman, born and bred.  There’s no way we could have a thing in common.  And yet - we’re friends.  Perhaps its because we are devoted to the same goddess, the goddess of Music.  Perhaps because - I don’t know - it’s something to do with truth.  We take each other as we find - there’s such a wonderful trust in real friendship - apart from anything else you know you’re not going to get away with one damn thing.  (She takes off the pearls, tosses them away.)

		Ladies and gentlemen - for your pleasure - and mine - some songs - the melodies - and lyrics - from the same hand -

		From the heart and soul of Mr Cole Porter.

ETHEL nods to GORDON, who plays an intro.

ETHEL sings from among the following:-

“What is This Thing Called Love?”

“You Do Something to Me”

“Let’s Do It”

“Night and Day”

“Begin the Beginner”

“Miss Otis Regrets”

“I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

“Easy to Love”

“Ridin’ High”

“I’ve Got My Eyes on You”

“So In Love”

“From This Moment On - ”

She ends with “You’re the Top”.

THE END.