THE AMIABLE COURTSHIP OF

MIZ VENUS AND WILD BILL

by Pam Gems

Copyright © Pam Gems
Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. 

All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

THE AMIABLE COURTSHIP OF
MIZ VENUS AND WILD BILL

FOREWORD

	Sometime in the early seventies I was approached by Ed Berman, artistic director of the Almost-Free Theatre in Rupert Street, W1, to write "two sexy pieces" for his Fun-Art Bus (the idea was to tour trendy Camden, with performances on the top deck.)  As a display of righteous indignation at this chauvinist request I wrote `AFTER BIRTHDAY', a monologue about a girl on remand for shoving her baby down the lav (not infrequent at main line stations), and `MY WARREN' about a middle-aged office drudge sent a vibrator by vicious younger colleagues and, hating waste, using it.  (If no-one loves you, there's always yourself.)  Ed took it on the chin, and put the pieces on in his theatre.  Thanks to two fine, and brave, actresses, Sheila Kelley and Janet Henfrey, we were a success.  There was a hunger for plays by and about women and Ed decided to mount a season.  A working group was formed, we asked for women directors, administrators and designers, and, after many readings, a group of plays was selected.

	I don't know why I chose to submit a sexy piece, with language, nudity and the odd joint.  I may have been nervous of over-seriousness - these were the days of heroic neo-feminism.  It was also the baroque era of later hippie-dom - purple flares, sitar, pseudo-Marxism and big hair.  A lively time, with money for fashionable Fringe Theatre - this was before OPEC spoilt the party.

	I think I was worried by the dismissal of the maternal in current feminist thinking.  Conjugality might need a rethink - babies still needed what babies have always needed, nourishment, protection and love.  I threw in a few Greenpeace pleas for good measure.

	All of the plays were well-received by the public and out of that season The Women's Theatre Group was created.  Today, under the name Sphinx, it flourishes.

Pam Gems

CAST

		MYRTLE

		PROSERPINE

		GLORIA

		VENUS

		CHARLIE

		PILES

		WILD BILL

		RAGGED GIRL

		RECEPTIONIST

		RICH MAN

		INDIAN MAN

		INDIAN GIRL

		MARY AMPLEFORTH

		The play needs a cast of four women and three men.
THE AMIABLE COURTSHIP OF MIZ VENUS AND WILD BILL

UNIT 1: HIJACK

The Stage is empty.  TWO GIRLS in fatigues enter with banners and stand at ease.  The banners read `Parthenogenesis Can Happen' and `Your Mother Grew Your Penis'.

A THIRD GIRL enters with a soapbox, stands on it and opens her mouth.  the Audience door is thrown open and CHARLIE, PILES AND BILL enter, armed.  BILL jerks his head, the OTHER TWO drag off the GIRLS.  BILL upends the soapbox and sits, cuddling his weapon.

			WILD BILL
		OK everybody, this is a hijack!  Look, we're stronger than you, right?  We have the hardware, right?  So who's going to argue?

If there is an attempt from the audience to displace him he says:

		OK, so you don't believe I'm sitting here holding real live ammunition that could kill you ...well believe it, suspend your imaginations, this is the way it happens, out there.  I mean like this is where the power is at.  So where do you go, and I mean you.

If no active comment omit last speech.

The lights go on the blink.

			BILL
		Now just everybody settle down.  The phones are cut off - OK out the back there Charlie... Charlie, you OK? - for Chrissakes let's have some lights man.

			PILES
		(Wandering on, amiable, swinging his gun dangerously.  To a plant, or restlessness in the audience:)  Cool it.  There's live bullets in here mush.

			BILL
		Now listen, nobody's gonna get hurt, all we're going to do here is hand round some manifestos and - hey Charlie, could I have one of the cokes and a ham roll?  Charlie?

Sound of fracas.  GLORIA, very fat, is thrust on bearing a ham roll.  Dumps it on BILL furiously.

			BILL
		Christ.  Miss Powertruck Seventy-four.

			GLORIA
		Watch it.  (Exits with dignity.)

			BILL
		Can't avoid it.  You think you're gonna find the pretty girls in this outfit?  (Calls)  You're all freaks, man!  Say Charlie, where's the coke?  Charlie!

			CHARLIE
		(Off)  Knock it off Bill I got enough moody as it is.

			BILL
		Come on, I'm dry.  And send some talent this time - how's about Venus with a coke in each hand?  (He smirks at the audience.)

			CHARLIE
		(Off)  Coming right u-up!

			BILL
		Are you kidding?

UNIT 2:  SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

Enter VENUS, cokes in hand, attended by THREE GRACES.  BILL turns, freaks, and leaps clear across the stage, cowering with his gun.

			BILL
		(Dazed)  Wow!  Thanks Charlie!  (He falls in love with VENUS.)  Jesus Christ...I could certainly go for you baby.

			VENUS
		(Strong Greek accent)  Male chovveeneest peeg.

			BILL
		I like it.  Say, where you from, you talk kinda foreign.

			MYRTLE
		Could we take five Venus, my dogs are killing me.

			VENUS
		(Snarls)  You what I rascue from account executive which is wanting clin short two times a day and don know you on thee strit - shot op.  Whatta yor nem, beeg boy?

			BILL
		 Muh name is Wild Bill.

VENUS steps from her shell and the GIRLS robe her.

			BILL
		Who are You...I mean, is this Märdi Gras or something?  Your phone number?

They inspect him.  VENUS circles him, he is still kneeling.

			BILL
		Hell, I know, you're the fizzy drinks queen!

VENUS looks at the GIRLS.  They are not unimpressed with him.  Neither is she.

			BILL
		Well what's your name?

			VENUS
		Tekk yor cheen off my foot and maybe I tell you.  (She has a heavy, Stalinist humour.)

			GLORIA
		Speaking for myself, I like a bit more -

			VENUS
		We know.  Myrtle?

			MYRTLE
		(Chewing gum fast and gazing at BILL)  Dishy.

			VENUS
		Freevolous.  Proserpine.  (Pronounced Prosairpinny.)

			PROSERPINE
		(The sensible one)  There's so much to consider.

			VENUS
		(Squatting swiftly, like a native, looking at BILL'S feet)  Yah.  You are absolootely right.

			BILL
		What the hell you doing down there?

			PROSERPINE
		(Disappointed)  Flat feet?

			VENUS
		(Absorbed)  I don know.  (She touches his chaps)  What is zis?

			BILL
		These are muh chaps, maam.

She gets up, walks away, thinks, glances at him.  They lock glances for a mo, but she breaks it off and has a quick think.  Then

			VENUS
		Proserpine - introdooce us.

			PROSERPINE
		Bill, you are honoured to meet - Miz Venus.

			VENUS
		Goddess of Love.  And fertility.

			BILL
		The hell!

			VENUS
		So what do you theenk about that?

			BILL
		I'd sure like to fu - marry you...I could marry you several times right away Miss...er...

			VENUS
		Venus...Venus...y'are deaf?

			BILL
		No maam, I'm not deaf.

			PROSERPINE
		It could make a difference, you see, if you're deaf.

			VENUS
		I laike heem.

			PROSERPINE
		On the other hand it might not.

			GLORIA
		You got to think about it Veen.  No sense rushing.  Once you get yourself hooked there's only childbirth and kkkkk (makes a gesture of cutting throat) to look forward to.  Well.

			VENUS
		Ya-as.  (She circles BILL, touches his chaps)  These...I don laike.  Law of Venus.  Whan you don laike, you tekk off.

She and the GIRLS laugh.  BILL feels a fool but laughs.

			VENUS
		(Meaningfully, to BILL)  So! -

			MYRTLE
		Venus I hate to break all this up but you're late for the session.

			VENUS
		Y'are right!  (Kisses MYRTLE fervently in thanks.  Turns to audience)  Sooport thee right for women to have cortex (claps a hand on MYRTLE'S forehead) as well as thalamus... (claps her hand on the back of MYRTLE'S reeling head.)  But ollso thalamus (ditto) as well as cortex (ditto).  To act as woman, not as man.  To theenk as woman, not as man.  To geeve suck as woman.  As a woman.  Forgeeve me that my Eengleesh ees so bad bot you gat thee idea.  And don forgat.  Thee geeft of Venus ees not forever.  Is Pracious.  Use Heem.  (She approaches the audience, touches them in the crutch or on the bosom.)  Don waste thee geeft of Venus...go where you laike this...where you feel true for Venus...don lie...don do for kindness or for paying debt...do where you want.  Thees ees true.  Ach...my bosoms ees full...Venus must flow!

She goes, followed by GLORIA and PROSERPINE.  MYRTLE dawdles.

UNIT 3:  AFTERMATH.

			BILL
		What was that?

			MYRTLE
		You hoid what she said.  Miz Venus is very into breastfeeding.  (Gabbles, as if reading pamphlet)  Miz Venus says, every woman should troy to breastfeed her choil on account of the natural colestrum in the nipples wards off infection, likewise kids don't throw up so much or die from cotdeaths and if sucking natural grow up without hangups like hating their Mommy and Poppy and Miz Venus says ladies should just take out a tit on the bus and nobody should say, my, ain't she common, likewise guys should try not to turn around but maybe just approach lady quietly on alighting with some courteous comment on the boobies, such as, that's quite a pair you have lady or some such formal compliment leaving chick to decide for herself if she wants to stack junior frontseat-wise for five or ten as the case might be - say, are you circumcised?

			BILL
		(Clutching himself protectively)  Why?

			MYRTLE
		Miz Venus says it's barbaric.

			BILL
		More hygienic.

			MYRTLE
		So wash your balls, for God's sake - but she is Not into vaginal deodorants, they mess up the secretions, besides, they made my bum sore.

			BILL
		(Figuring this out, nods thoughtfully)  Uhuh.  So howcome you with this outfit...ah...

			MYRTLE
		Myrtle.
			BILL
		...Myrtle?

			MYRTLE
		You wanna hear my story - you not trying to jump me or anything?

			BILL
		No Myrtle, I like your conversation.  (Following her off)  Honest.

(If possible a screen showing contented cows in meadow.)

			RADIO
		Strontium levels in milk this year were the lowest since 61, and about 10% lower than in 68.  Contamination in calcium is now a quarter of that recorded after the 61, 62 tests.  It will now diminish slowly as strontium enters food-stuffs from accumulation in the soil.  Fallout from recent French and Chinese testing has yet to be recorded.

The radio rapidly changes stations and clicks off.

UNIT 4:  THE BUTTERFLY TRAIL.

BILL enters, looks around.

			BILL
		Myrtle?  Aw, come on, Myrtle...look, I was only kidding...where are you...  (He turns and bumps into VENUS.)  Hey...ah...I beg your pardon, maam, I was just...you came back.

		(She turns to go, seemingly indifferent)  Look ah...do you need anything, can I get you - do you come here often?

		(She laughs)  I'll do anything, anything you want...just name it.  You want me to knock off a monster, that kind of thing - I'll do it.

			VENUS
		For Myrtle?

			BILL
		You know how I feel about you.  Just ask me. Anything.

VENUS looks him up and down.

			VENUS
		Orright.  Fatch me bottairfly.

			BILL
		Butterfly...butterfly?  OK, OK...anything you say.

			VENUS
		Wait.  Look for wild valerian.  There you will see tortoiseshell, peacock...they make celebration for Venus.

			BILL
		I'll get 'em for you.

			VENUS
		One...only one.  Thee silvair fritillary with a tattered wing.  Bring hair to me.  (She lets him kiss her on the arm and goes.)

			BILL
		(Feeling foolish)  Jees...ah, what the hell...crazy broad!  Who does she think she's come as, she's a kook.  Goddess!

There is a roll of thunder, ominous.  CHARLIE and PILES enter with placards.

			PILES
		Stormy weather.

			BILL
		Where the hell have you two been and why the fuck are those in Chinese?

		Don't answer, anyway, what do they mean?

			PILES
		Well this one reads Best of Luck, Lorraine, from all at 43, hey, cut it out!  (as BILL clouts him.)

			BILL
		OK, so what do you know about butterflies, smartass?

			PILES
		(Eager)  Butterflies?  Oh, you're on my subject there Bill -

			CHARLIE
		(Cuts in)  For Christ's sake, you two, we've got a problem backstage!

			PILES
		Oh yeah!

			BILL
		What's the matter?

			CHARLIE
		Guy on the lights, innit?

			PILES
		Yeah, been turned into a Cyclops.

			CHARLIE
		A centaur.

			BILL
		Make your minds up...are you two out of your minds?

He exits.  The OTHERS wait.  A loud neigh.

			BILL
		(Off)  Holy smoke!

			PILES
		Charlie?

			CHARLIE
		Yup?

			PILES
		Did you notice anything funny about that Cyclops?

			CHARLIE
		I never got too close.

			PIES
		He was cross-eyed.

			CHARLIE
		Aw, come on.

They pick up their banners and slouch off as for guard duty.

UNIT 5:  MARY AMPLEFORTH.

BILL enters dressed for heavy travel.  Wind noises, back projection shots of jagged, foreboding mountains.  BILL trudges, then bivouacs, wraps himself in his blanket...maybe sings to his guitar.  Curls up to sleep.  He is jerked awake by a GIRL standing over him.

			BILL
		Whassamatter?

			MARY
		I say, do you mind if I join you?

			BILL
		(Sleepy)  Sure.

			MARY
		I'm Mary Ampleforth.  (She sticks out a hand and he grasps it limply.)  Where are You bound for?

			BILL
		Over the mountains, cross the desert.

			MARY
		Oh, tough cheese.

			BILL
		What about you, where you headed?

			MARY
		Oh I've just left.

			BILL
		What do you mean, left?

			MARY
		You know - walked out.

			BILL
		Oh.

			MARY
		To be absolutely frank, I don't know why it took me so long!

			BILL
		Did you have a fight?

			MARY
		Do you know - I say, what's your name?

			BILL
		Bill.

			MARY
		Do you know Bill, it came to me in an absolute moment of truth!  My whole life, trying to please other people.  I reassure, therefore I am!

			BILL
		Eh?

			MARY
		Whenever anything goes wrong, who feels guilty?  Earthquake in Tokyo...floods, pay dispute - you name it.  Ever since I was a kid!  Had to go to bed at seven in order to pray for everybody, and as for boys!

			BILL
		(Perking up)  Uhuh?

			MARY
		Disaster!  Spots, bifocals, inferiority complexes ...you name them, I home in on them.  I'm a rest home for anxious penises.  Do you know, do you know Bill - if you were to make a pass at me this minute, which must be the last thing -drawers round the ankle before you could say Danish pastry to save you from rejection syndrome.  Frightful balls you must agree.

			BILL
		You mean you don't put out any more?

			MARY
		You obviously don't suffer from gender angst - oh, no, I didn't actually say that.

			BILL
		That's great - what I mean is, I've been up here for five days and my Meta tablets are just about all through and I could use a little warmth and company, I'm telling you!  (Flips open his blanket)  You're very welcome.

			MARY
		(Joining him promptly)  Oh thanks.  Of course I realise even the Phantom of the Opera would be a welcome guest up here.

			BILL
		You're a very nice-looking girl, do you know that?

			MARY
		Really?  Do you mean it?  (She suddenly jumps up)  He's looking at my legs, objective sex, it's all happening again.  Be Firm, Mary!  (She grabs the furled flag she has brought with her.)  You've got to understand.  All my life it's been evening classes, the wrong channel, and other people's children.  To hell with macrame!  (She unfurls her beautiful blue silk flag.)

			BILL
		That's nice.

			MARY
		This is for me...Mary!  Bill from the moment I walked away from that office, WITHOUT putting the cover on my typewriter...all the way to the coach station, each step away from mother I said to myself...Mary...Mary, from now on, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN...you're on your own and it's going to be YOUR WAY!  (She whirls and stands astride him.)  So you just climb out of that blanket before I tear it off you!  (She engulfs him.)

		Could you try and look a bit more like Humphrey Bogart?

			BILL
		Well I -

			MARY
		You could try saying play it again Sam, or drop the gun, Louie...(She bounces up and down on him, humming `As Time Goes By'.)

			BILL
		Play it again, Sam, drop the gun, Louie, play it again Sam, drop the gun Louie, play it again Louie, drop the gun Sam...

			MARY
		Humphrey, Humphrey...

VENUS enters, dangles a head of Humphrey over MARY who grasps it in ecstasy.

			MARY
		Humphrey, where is your body?

VENUS reveals herself and MARY flees.

			VENUS
		You!  Fethless!  I stroke you daid!

			BILL
		Venus the word is strike.  Stroke is in the past tense -

			VENUS
		I pastense you!

			BILL
		- or else it means an elongated caress.

			VENUS
		I kress you!  (Lightning.)  Fethless!

			BILL
		Princess you gonna turn me right off, I'm telling you.  OK, you can knock me out, pow... where's it gonna get you?  In the end you have to be nice to me.  You want me to get a stand for you, you gotta treat me nice.

			VENUS
		(Being nice to him)  You mean laik thees?  How you like that little tramp, hanh?

			BILL
		I was working up to you.  (She bites him, swift and venomous.)  Ow!  Look, I was just getting rid of ballsache.  (She threatens him.  He comes clean.)  I liked her.

			VENUS
		Is bettair.  You spik truth on my sister.  Go now.

			BILL
		Where?

			VENUS
		Into thee desairt.

She goes, to loud music.

UNIT 6:  HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES.

The music moderates swiftly to Big-Country Western.  BILL, pack on back, tackles the desert.  It gets him and he is reduced to crawling exhaustion.

			RADIO
		For the man who has everything.  Why not surprise him with our World War 2 chess set... complete in white gold, uniforms handsewn in southern slope alpaca - shadeside animals lack that tiny bit of lustre and we wouldn't touch them.  Chess table in chequered marble from the quarry neighbouring Henry Moore's in old downtown Carrara.  A truly deductible art treasure - hurry now before stocks dwindle.

During this speech a MAN in resort clothes enters with a portable bar and stool in one, and sits, drinking a highball.  BILL crawls in and lifts an exhausted hand which the MAN swats absently away.

			MAN
		You think it's fu-un being the man who has everything?  (He drinks.)  Uh-uh.  Every Christmas, problems!  We have everything...and (darkly)  I mean everything.  Tough.  You know Flamora really knocks herself out, I wish some of our friends had her talent for picking the right home gift.  Last year we got a trampoline.  Everybody knows I have a back.  And a year's lessons in limbo dancing.  Likewise.  We got an electric garage-door opener that spooked every jailhouse gate from here to Fort Worth and a Great Dane that can bark Oh Canada, and does, frequently.  But how can you quit?  Without luxury goods the whole damn caboodle begins to slide.  Stop spending and where are you, there's such a thing as civic responsibility, I'm telling you.  Could end up having people staying at home sewing and baking like the bad old days, sweating around in the fields instead of using their hand massagers and watching TV...it's a sobering thought, I'm telling you.

			BILL
		Water, water.

			MAN
		Sorry Buddy, it's not a growth stock.  Hi, Spiro!

He lurches off, dignified drunk.  BILL rests.

			RADIO
		Locusts have terrorised farmers since the beginning of recorded history.  Even recently there have been five plagues in Arabia, Africa and Asia and research is now exploring the habits of schistocera gregaria, as the locust is known, hoping to forecast when the locust will change from his green and benevolent phase to the black and gregarious phase...then it becomes necessary to strike.

Enter HINDU MAN and GIRL.

			GIRL
		Question.  What can be manufactured for three pounds and powered by four pennyworth of cowdung?

			MAN
		A radio.  Question.  What could provide technical schools for the whole of Africa?

			GIRL
		The cost of developing the Ford Maverick car.  Question.  What to do with person who make and design electric tie-selector?

			MAN
		Answer.  Let him eat his own dung and drink his own piss.

They go.

UNIT 7:  WITH A LITTLE BIT OF HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS.

BILL staggers to his feet and reels.  The THREE GRACES enter.

			GLORIA
		He'll never make it.

			BILL
		Gimmee a break, will you?

They give him food and water.

			MYRTLE
		Why don't you quit, Bill, while you still can.

			PROSERPINE
		We'll show you the way back.

			BILL
		I have to get to this valley.

			PROSERPINE
		Oh Bill...even if you make it you'll never find the silver fritillary.

			GLORIA
		You better come wiv us while you're still alive.

			MYRTLE
		Before the coyotes get you like they did the last one.
			PROSERPINE
		Give up, Bill!

			MYRTLE
		While you can.

			BILL
		I've been thinking about it.

			GLORIA
		You've got yourself to consider.

			PROSERPINE
		Do what YOU want, Wild Bill.

			BILL
		Yeah, you're right.  (Gets up)  OK.  You girls going to show me the way out of here?

			GLORIA
		Our pleasure.

			MYRTLE
		Where would you like to go?

			BILL
		I need to find a fucking butterfly, so's I can get into this whacky bad-tempered Greek bird.  And don't ask me why I want to do that because I don't know!

They shrug and lead the way off.

UNIT 8:  CHECKMATE CHARLIE

CHARLIE and PILES are playing draughts (checkers).

			CHARLIE
		You're huffed.  (Takes PILES'S pieces from board.)

			PILES
		Hey, what are you doing, what you mean I'm huffed?

			CHARLIE
		I take your pieces.  You could have taken me and you didn't, therefore you're huffed.

			PILES
		You fascist capitalist bastard, I don't have to take you if I don't want to.

			CHARLIE
		If you can, you have to.

			PILES
		Bollicks.
CHARLIE hands him a large swear box.  He pays up with bad grace.

			PILES
		But I'm not huffed.  Look, I took everything else.  How could I take those when I was taking those and those and those and those?

			CHARLIE
		I didn't make the rules, Piles.

			PILES
		Bollicks.  (Money into swear box.)  Anyway, where's Wild Bill got to?

			CHARLIE
		Trying to find some hay for the Cyclops.

			PILES
		Hay?

			CHARLIE
		Yeah, with a hamburger, and oats on the side.

			PILES
		The oats figger.  He's got a real eye for the lady, that Cyclops.

			CHARLIE
		Certain as hell doesn't have two.

			PILES
		Crown me.  (He has outflanked CHARLIE on the board.)

			CHARLIE
		Piles would you mind keeping your mind on the game...I'm trying to teach you.  (They concentrate.)  Could you stop clicking your fingers?  Makes it hard to concentrate.

			PILES
		Sorry.

CHARLIE makes his move, after a false start.  PILES pounces at once and clears the board.

			CHARLIE
		Fuck!  (Into the swear box.)  Well where the hell's Wild Bill?  (Rolls a joint moodily.  They share a smoke during the next sequence.)

			PILES
		Probably feeling the Greek lady.  (Winces skywards in case she hears him.)

			CHARLIE
		Yeah, trust him to get knacked by a real ballbuster, it makes your piles bleed - oh, sorry.

			PILES
		S'all right.

			CHARLIE
		You think it's going to be so fucking great... (PILES puts the swear box under his nose but he doesn't notice it)...once you get out of fucking school.  You think it's going to be a real trip through the forest.

			PILES
		Eh?

			CHARLIE
		There she'll be, crying her little eyes out -

			PILES
		Who?

			CHARLIE
		Snow-white!

			PILES
		Yeah, seven dwarfs, some groupie!

			CHARLIE
		Watch your mouth Piles.  I seen that film 41 times.  Someday I'm going to meet a girl like that, long dark hair, skin like milk, little squeaky voice.

			PILES
		Sounds like the Riddler.

			CHARLIE
		Blue birds flying all round our heads.

			PILES
		Ah, it's just the joint talking, Charlie.

UNIT 9:  FEEDERS UNITED.

Enter the THREE GIRLS, in fatigues.

They overcome THE BOYS who put up a pitiful fight with a lot of swearing.  THE GIRLS pick up large baskets.

			CHARLIE
		(Disarmed)  What's going on?

			GLORIA
		Hijack.

			CHARLIE
		Don't be stupid, we was here first.

			PILES
		No kidding.

GLORIA looks around, kicks their unattended guns.

			GLORIA
		So what's your outfit, Painless?

			CHARLIE
		We're here on a peaceful mission.

			PILES
		Just putting our side that's all.  We want to be liberated and all.

			CHARLIE
		What are you girls into?

			MYRTLE
		Feeders United.

GLORIA and MYRTLE hand out tortilla and beans to some of the audience.

			MYRTLE
		Breakfast in South America...tortilla and beans.

			GLORIA
		Dinner in South America...tortilla and beans.

			PROSERPINE
		With occasional salt fish.  (She crosses to screen, indicates slides with a pointer.)  the manna of the bible is composed of the excretions of the aphis...the shit of the greenfly that drinks the dew on the tamarisks of the Negev and the Sinai.

			GLORIA
		The excretion dries like snowflakes and drifts over the desert...mmmm.

			MYRTLE
		What we have to do is increase the desert dew by planting spiny shrub and thistle...

			PROSERPINE
		Which will increase the transpiration giving still more moisture...

			GLORIA
		Small crops...peas and beans...

			PROSERPINE
		Salads and tubers...
			GLORIA
		Melons!

			MYRTLE
		Cucumbers, citrus trees...

			GLORIA
		Grapes!

			PROSERPINE
		The moisture of the world is not finite.

			ALL
		The moisture of the world is not finite.

			MYRTLE
		Wet the lips.

			GLORIA
		We live by secretions.

			PROSERPINE
		And by effort.

They pick  up the baskets.

			GLORIA
		(To PILES)  So you wanna be liberated?

			PILES
		Yeah.  I think so.

THE GIRLS confer.

			GLORIA
		(To PILES)  Here, eggcup, I got a proposition for you.

			PROSERPINE
		(To CHARLIE)  You see Charlie, let me put it this way...we're in the construction business.

			CHARLIE
		(Interested)  Oh yeah, what line's that then?

			MYRTLE
		Terrific prospects Chuck...you really get to climb.

They persuade THE BOYS off.

			CHARLIE
		(Going)  Climb?  You mean it?

			PILES
		It's not anyfink to do wiv work is it...only I'm on doctor's orders not to work.  I can do anything else - just so long as it's not work.

UNIT 10:  ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD.

The screen shows foothills then awesome mountains...canyons, glaciers, sheer faces and snowy peaks.

BILL enters.  He looks toughened.  He is tired.

			BILL
		Tough pass,
		long trail, like iron.
		Yet with strong steps
		we climbed that peak:
		green mountains like oceans,
		setting sun like blood.

		Now we can pick up the moon
		in the generous sky,
		and catch turtles in all five oceans.
		Triumphant return with talk and laughter:
		nothing difficult in the world
		if you can keep climbing.

He sits.  A GIRL enters.

			GIRL
		Please sir...

He gets up, takes her bundle.
			BILL
		Sit down by the fire.  Are you hungry?

He gives her food and she falls on it.  He watches, she looks up and is ashamed.

			BILL
		You live up here?

She nods.

			BILL
		It's beautiful.

			GIRL
		The land is poor.

			BILL
		Plenty of rainfall - good phosphates.

			GIRL
		It all gets washed down there.

			BILL
		Then live down there.

			GIRL
		We're mountain people.

			BILL
		Build a dam.

			GIRL
		Will you help us?

He looks at her, tired, but gets his things together.

The screen shows a dam in construction.  Complete, it is majestic in the sun.  Music and small bells sound (live).

			GIRL
		A bridge flies from north to south,
		natural barrier turned into an open road.
		High in the gorges a rock dam rises,
		cutting off the mountain's cloud and rain.

		Now is the time
		For heroes.

She goes.

UNIT 11:  SUCCESS.

THE THREE GIRLS enter with CHARLIE, PILES and BILL.  They flop down.

			GLORIA
		If Bill hadn't ov took them corners so swift the petrol would of lasted till we could of free-wheeled.  He don't think.

			CHARLIE
		Lay off love, we're on the way down, ain't we?

			PROSERPINE
		Every time I doze off, I'm still lifting rocks.

			PILES
		You can say that again.

			PROSERPINE
		Every time I -

He throws his hat at her.

			BILL
		(Apart, resting, his hat tipped over his eyes.)
		This side, other side,
		only white wilderness.
		Mountains, silver snakes dancing:
		plateaux, white elephants running,
		rivers and mountains so beautiful
		heroes compete
		in bowing humbly before them.

		Pity the Emperors,
		not enough talent.
			CHARLIE
		Never mind talent, I'd settle for a pair of boots.

			PROSERPINE
		I think I'll make myself a dress...something soft.  Silk chiffon - cream, no, pale yellow, with bell sleeves and ribbon under the bust.  Oh, just think of it...clean undies!  I'll make some new knickers in white satin with yellow roses...

			MYRTLE
		All I need's a bath.  Jees...think of it...orange peel shampoo, conditioner, setting lotion...soak these (her hands) in almond oil, get all the muck off...dash of talc, splash of cologne - well, you feel a new doll!

			GLORIA
		I can't make up me mind wevver to start wiv proan cocktail or melon.  (Sighs heavily.)  Yeah...half a charenty, then seafood wiv Hellman's and salad, porterhouse, mushrooms, french beans and grilled tomatoes...touch of the old caramabel oranges wiv gingah, sip of me Dad's brandy, an After-Eight and a bloody great mug of Blue Mountain coffee...how that do you?

			CHARLIE
		Shut up love.

			PROSERPINE
		What are you going to do when we get down, Piles?

			PILES
		I'm having a zoo, ain't I?

			MYRTLE
		What for?

			PILES
		Oh not FOR nothing.  You don't have a zoo FOR nothing.

			CHARLIE
		Bleeding hard work, mate.  Think of all the turds, all shapes and sizes.

			GLORIA
		Yeah, every new moon another Taj Mahal.

			PILES
		I shall use it as fuel.

			MYRTLE
		All worked out, eh Piles?

			PILES
		I've made a list of what I want...you know, to start wiv.  Very hard picking birds.

			MYRTLE
		(Innocent)  Is it Piles?

			PILES
		(Oblivious)  I like 'em all see...tanagers, painted quail, sandpipers, yellow hammers...as for the waders...

			CHARLIE
		We'll take your word for it me old son, come on, gotta make base camp.  (Gets up, freezes.)  Listen.

They all listen.

			GLORIA
		I can't hear nothing.

			PROSERPINE
		You used to hear the water rushing down the gorges.

			CHARLIE
		What I meant.  Not any more.  (They grin.)  Come on Bill.

UNIT 12:  BUTTERFLY.

BILL moves.  He sees something.  There is a swirling effect in the warm light, as of a swarm of butterflies.  Very slowly BILL tips his hat forward until it falls on his arm.

			BILL
		(Soft)  Got it.

			GLORIA
		What is it Bill?

			BILL
		Caught me a butterfly.  Say Piles, you wanna take a look?

			PILES
		Yeah.  Yeah!  That's beautiful, Bill.

			BILL
		What's it called?

			PILES
		It's a butterfly, innit?

			BILL
		I know that Piles.  What kinda butterfly?

			PILES
		Pity it's not a better specimen.  Look, the wing's all ragged.

			BILL
		What's it called, Piles?

			PILES
		Eh, you've got a rare one Bill.  Oh, you see plenty of admirals, speckleds, painted ladies up here.  Not many of those.

			BILL
		(Trying not to hit him)  What Piles?  Many of what?

			PILES
		That...is a silver fritillary.

BILL whoops for joy, the butterfly between his hands.

			PILES
		First time I've seen a live one, you want to hang on to it, Bill.

			BILL
		You betcha life.

He pores over his cupped hands.  Then

			BILL
		Oh hell!  (He lifts his hands and lets it go.)  Now why in frigging hell did I want to do that?

UNIT 13:  BILL MAKES A STAND.

THE RAGGED GIRL enters.  The GIRLS rerobe her, it is VENUS.  VENUS and BILL sit together.  He kisses her gently.

			BILL
		I let the butterfly go.

			VENUS
		Is oll right...is me the bottairfly.  Look, one bruise you geeve me.

			BILL
		What do you know?

			VENUS
		So?  (Smiling, then)  What's thee mattair, you change your mind?

			BILL
		(Taking her hand)  No.  But I did a lot of thinking out there on the mountain.  You're sure one hell of a lovely lady and it would be a privilege to ball you Any day of the week.  But then I got to reasoning.  Shit, a man needs... what I mean is, what I'm saying is......I don't want no one night stand with you.  Not with you.  Not with my goddess.

			VENUS
		So?

			BILL
		I've done a lot of travelling for you, Venus.

			VENUS
		Yais.

			BILL
		Couldn't we have a more permanent arrangement?

She looks him over slowly.  It unnerves him.

			BILL
		Jesus Christ, I'm asking you to marry me, baby!  I'm willing to give up muh freedom, I can't say fairer than that!  Now what do you say?

			VENUS
		(After a long pause)  I don' know.

He lifts his head in soundless irritation.

			VENUS
		Maybe.  (His eyes light.)  Maybe no.  (He clicks his fingers to his BOYS...they will split.)  Possible.

			BILL
		That's great!  There's just one thing -

			VENUS
		You min yor offehr ess condeetional?

			BILL
		Kinda.

THE OTHERS begin to split, smelling trouble.

			VENUS
		(Jerking her head for her GIRLS to go, they disappear)  You make Bargain, with Venus, Goddess of Love and Fertility?  You dare to approach prasance of Venus with -
			BILL
		But this is just what I'm trying to tell you!  Quit being such a goddamed loudmouth!  Listen when a guy's on the loose he's Kirk Douglas, OK?  He wants a broad - if she runs from him or at him it really don't make too much difference, he's on the loose, there's just the one idea.  But this is Different!  I'm sitting here saying I want to shack up with you, permanent.  But for Christ's crying out loud how in hell do you expect me to get a stand for you for the rest of my natural life when you keep busting the balls off me?  In the end a woman has to be nice or the guy doesn't get a stand for her...not after he gets tired of putting his knee in her crutch or putting in the bribe.  She has to be nice!

			VENUS
		(Snarls)  You - (they grapple.)

			BILL
		Now you keep still and listen.  I want a woman who'll be pleasant, who'll respect my son and love my daughter...little girls suck tit too you know...and sometimes, sometimes it's pretty damna hard to be a man, you ever think of that?  If all you want from me is -
			VENUS
		(Breaking away from him, smoothing herself, mildly)  Have you feeneeshed?

			BILL
		(Roars)  No!!  No.  What I'm saying is you can't shout around the place making the play all the time, because no guy worth the having is going to stand up with you unless you can make him Half believe he's something, some of the time.

			VENUS
		You theenk I am too forward, Beel?  (She is nice to him.)

			BILL
		That's better.  That's much better.  (They start to make love.)

UNIT 14:  COT OP.

			VENUS
		(Murmurs)  Of course you are cot?

			BILL
		What?

			VENUS
		You are cot...cot?  I don go weeth no man who ees not cot.

			BILL
		What do you mean?

			VENUS
		You don have vasectomy?

			BILL
		The hell I don't!

			VENUS
		What you min, you theenk Venus ees on thee Peel...you want I am Pragnent?

			BILL
		What's wrong with that?

			VENUS
		You theenk I am making baby with mere mortal anyboddies...you want me to be Norsemaeed...Housewife?!  Destroction on arrogant mortal...you are looking at Career Woman - to have appointment wiz me you moss wett six wikks!  I am Top of my profession!

She clicks her fingers.  PILES enters in surgeon's outfit.

			VENUS
		Tekk heem away...and do eet quick - I fill my ardor born inside me.

			BILL
		Over my dead body!

			VENUS
		Eet will be!

			PILES
		Come on Bill...she'll turn us into choc ices!

UNIT 15:  FUNTIME.

GIRL at reception desk.  BILL enters in dark blue suit, hair slicked down.

			BILL
		(Clears throat)  Excuse me, my name's (clears throat) ahem Wild Bill.  I have an appointment with Miz Venus at the Fun Centre.

			GIRL
		Of course, welcome!  This way...oh and may I offer congratulations, sir, it's been such a popular choice with us girls at the plant.  (Lowers voice)  I hear the little op was no trouble...Gloria, my sister, tells me the surgeon was a personal friend, well that's So nice.  Believe me, you'll be So much more comfortable.
			BILL
		I...ah...I hear it's reversible.

			GIRL
		(Darkly)  I wouldn't count on that.  Here we are!  Funtime!

She rings a silly bell and goes.  Screen shots of carnival, rollercoasters, Rudolph Valentino, dolphins, pintables, whatyouwill.  THE GIRLS enter with cushions, fans, bowls of grapes.  Enter CHARLIE and PILES in kaftans and turbans.  Hubblebubble.

			CHARLIE
		Hey, it's Bill!  How's it coming, Wild Bill?

			BILL
		Great.

			GLORIA
		You're looking ever so clean and tidy, Wild Bill.

			MYRTLE
		Is that how she likes you?

			CHARLIE
		Not the same though, I mean, it can't be, can it?

			BILL
		What do you mean?

			PROSERPINE
		Does it leave a scar?

			MYRTLE
		Come on, let's have a look.

			BILL
		Cut it out.

			CHARLIE
		Ooh, steady on Bill.

			GLORIA
		Well I wouldn't like it.  (She and MYRTLE whisper and giggle.)

			PROSERPINE
		Our cat got ever so fat after it.

			MYRTLE
		(Breaking away from GLORIA)  Wouldn't make no difference to me.

			CHARLIE
		Thassit Myrt, keep it coming.

			PILES
		When's the orgy going to start?
			CHARLIE
		Yeah, let's forget old Bill's ghoulies.

			PILES
		(Sees icecream on tray, breaks away from GIRLS)  Oooh, me favourite!  Rhubarb sundae!

			PROSERPINE
		(Offers BILL a drink)  Are you allowed to drink now Bill?

BILL takes a drink and stands apart.

			BILL
		Genghis Khan,
		only knew how to pull the bow,
		shooting eagles.

		Pity the Emperors,
		not enough talent.

			PROSERPINE
		What was that Bill?

			GLORIA
		I bet Venus is making herself real fancy.

VENUS enters wearing a modestly cut blue crepe dress with a white collar, small white hat and gloves...Jeanne Craine style.  She carries a small formal posy.

			BILL
		Hey!

			VENUS
		Sorprise?  I got your flowers.  (They sit and she inspects him.)  I like.

			BILL
		(Looking at her)  Yeah.

The OTHERS leave informally.  PROSERPINE brings them tea, formally.  They sip decorously.

			VENUS
		Forgive me mention but - the opairation?

			BILL
		Yup.

			VENUS
		So conseederate.  You onnerstand my situation Beel, hanh?

			BILL
		Sure, sure.  Anything for you, lovely lady.

He starts to move in on her.
			VENUS
		Bot Beel...

			BILL
		What is it?

			VENUS
		Yar ollso lohving me for myself?  Ees not just Sax you are wanting weeth me?

			BILL
		Hell I want to marry you don't I?

			VENUS
		Good.  You got thee passports?

He pats his breast pocket.

			VENUS
		We go for honeymoon now, hanh?

She nestles up to him as he picks up an airport bag and cameras on straps.  They go.

Scenes of natural and manmade wonder onscreen...a tour.  Some of the places and shots are a bit unexpected.  Loud ecstatic music dying to a melodious tremolo.  Which is cut by a piercing yell.

UNIT 16:  MAMMA VENUS.

VENUS appears, in flat shoes and smock, very pregnant.

			VENUS
		Where ees he?  Breeng heem to me!  He shall be chained to rock of fire for thousand yeas!  I weel peek out hees eyeballs weeth thorn, and crosh hees lags weeth chariot of still!  Breeng heem......aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Clutches her belly.  THE GRACES enter and support her.  She groans melodiously between thoroughly anal grunts.  Sound of BABY crying.  THE GIRLS shove a quick bedhead behind VENUS and arrange her for visitors.

			VENUS
		(Cooing over BABY)  Octually he's rather swit.  Soch rude leetle man, don grab so hard, oh...oh I lak heem.  Dorty boy, nappy ees oll dorty, that's good hanh?  Soch beeg haid, soch trobble for me.  Oh, this fidding mekk me tired, rilly I fill quite fent oll thee time, thee strangth running out of my arms, where ees Beel?  Beel, where is vitamin and fatch grepp, I moss have grepp, Dr Yatta recommend.

BILL enters with soft toys, football and forms.

			VENUS
		(With pleased squawk)  What you got...oh!  

Hoarse cries of pleasure, she kisses him and BABY passionately.

			VENUS
		What for oll these peppairs?

			BILL 
		We have to register the baby, give him a name.

			VENUS
		A name!  He shall be called Pierre Tatu...stone and river, rock and water.  Truly I would laike many cheeldren.  Pipple thee world.  But I have, already, many children.  (Lifts BABY)  We moss celebrate - what we have!

She holds the BABY high.  MYRTLE taps her on the shoulder and whispers, consulting a daybook.  VENUS nods...gives the BABY to BILL, is helped into a white overall.

			MYRTLE
		Mr Greenboig's waiting Venus...you know how noivous he gets.

			GLORIA
		Is that the feller eats sweets (candy) in the waiting room?

			PROSERPINE
		He's a disgrace to oral hygiene.

			VENUS
		Right.  We see to heem, hanh?  (Her Stalin smile.  Turns to audience)  Dohn't worry.  Dohn't worry.  Because I now come among you in my career of lady danteest, I don't breaking my spell.  I am still ollways lohving weeth you.  I don't desairting...is ollways steel love.  But when you come to our ladies clinic here, for axcallant work on yoor tith, you are babysitting for us when you wait yor turn, no?  This way we are sharing and no ladies sitting at home with despairings - and no cheeldrens shut up in little cages and things.  (She grasps the CHILD roughly and kisses him.)  What lovely beeg boy ...(embracing BILL at the same time)...but is time for dreeling now!

PILES, with camera, puts up a hand to delay her.  Graciously she poses, with ENTOURAGE, for a formal photograph.