MY WARREN
FOREWORD

	In 1973 I was asked by Ed Barman to write `two sexy pieces' for his Fun-Art Bus, which toured with shows on the top deck.  As a reproof, (these were the days of heroes neo-Feminism) I wrote two monologues, My Warren and After Birthday.  These were performed at Ed's Almost-Free Theatre, and led to a season of plays by women there, and the formation of the Women's Theatre Group - still very alive and well under the name of Sphinx.

	A note on the monologues:

	Both EILEEN and LINDSAY are trapped in social time but they are not simply objects of social concern which would be to patronise them.  They look out for themselves - they are survivors, in as far as they are able.  EILEEN is too honest to have acquired xxxx.   By wearing drag Lindsay is a survivor of xx stature, though the nature of her survival may not be orthodox or particularly convenient for society.

Pam Gems

MY WARREN

thirty minute monologue

by Pam Gems

Copyright © Pam Gems
Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. 

All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

MY WARREN

A WOMAN enters, locks her door carefully and takes off her coat and scarf.  She counts her change, puts away her modest shopping, sets a tray with a piece of ham, and a piece of lettuce, and makes herself a cup of lemon tea.  She does not speak, but it is obvious that she is tense.

			EILEEN
		(As she waits for the kettle)  They think you've never lived!

She takes the tray to her elbow chair, finds her Radio Times, half sits, remembers her napkin, crosses to find it, sits, tray on her lap, and begins to eat.  She sips her tea.

			EILEEN
		(To the cup)  Ohh,  that's better......I don't feel like food.  (She sips again, gratefully.)  It doesn't oppose anything.

		Well, it Could be an ulcer.

		Oh, go on, you fool, you haven't got ulcers, or lumps...or a brain tumour!

		It's tension.

		That bloody copier, day after day...right through your head - designed for headaches, it stands to reason!

		THEY don't even notice it.  Not one of them knows what it's like to feel unwell.

		HE could eat a donkey's harness.  So long as it was in French on the menu.  What must it be like - must be like feeling young all the time.

		Now - bit of fruit.  No...I might get the runs again.

		Ohh, you cunning devil...you know you're going to have a biscuit......Have a ginger, have your favourites - go on, have two!

She eats the first biscuit, chewing and lifting her head towards the ceiling, closing her eyes with pleasure.  She takes another, begins to prowl, nibbling.

			EILEEN
		(Beginning to mutter to herself)  No, no, none of that...steady as you go...come on, now......oh God...oh God, oh God, please help me, I don't like it...oh please, it frightens me, I get...... I want to push a knitting needle in her, I want to push it in her face, I want to kill her!

		I can hear it (she bends over the back of the armchair as if in physical pain)...I can hear a voice, telling me!  Telling me - no, I won't do it!

		I'm not going to do it - I can't, I won't!

		No-o...!

She  slumps down into her armchair, grabbing wildly for the packet of ginger biscuits.

			EILEEN
		I ca-

She groans, murmuring to herself as the pain within subsides.

			EILEEN
		All right, Eileen, all right.

		You'll be all right in a minute.

		She breathes deeply several times.

		OK now -

She cringes back into her chair, cramming biscuits into her mouth, glaring fixedly at the TV set to divert herself.

			EILEEN
		(Mutters)  Watch your programme...(she rears suddenly, in physical pain)  Ooh my hip!  Ooh!  That Fool of a doctor, it's no good, I shall have to go back.  

		(She rubs the hip, wincing.)

		"Here she comes, frigid spinster"......you can see it in their eyes - bring on the tranquillizers!  "Couldn't even get herself a man."

			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		You should have joined in and made a fool of yourself, like the rest of them!...who did you think you were?  Why didn't you use makeup, do all that silliness, you should have done it, you saw that's what they wanted, that's what they were after...you were better looking than half of - my legs aren't bad, I wasn't bad.  (Mimics herself)  "I want to be liked for myself"!  Doesn't bloody work that way, mate.

		(She laughs, grimly)  Just my luck!  (Pause, she muses)  Face like a bum - I wouldn't have wasted all that time with him if he hadn't been so awful, I thought poor bugger, then he goes off with a dwarf, I should have settled for him.

		(She lights up a cigarette.)
		Eleven years!  Eleven years we'd have been married, give or take.  I'd have had three children.  A little girl...a boy...Rachel...Tom... oh, what must it be Like!

		Ecstasy!!

		That's what I've missed......ecstasy!  They're getting it all right, the bloody lot of them, if he's not with his wife or that Belgian piece he's with Her, the dirty devil.  And Josie with Brian, why couldn't I have met a nice boy like that at nineteen, just fell in her lap, lovely boy like that - oh, they ought to PAY people to cuddle you... if they gave it on the National Health there wouldn't be nearly so many stoppages.

		Put that out and stop buying them!!

		(She crushes out her cigarette.)

		I wouldn't mind if they left it alone, we're supposed to be there to work, God knows what would happen if I wasn't there, that office would collapse in a heap, at least I've got that satisfaction...oh, balls to that......Eileen!!

		You're getting as coarse as the rest of them!

		There's no romance, no sensitivity in them, it makes you ashamed to be a woman.

			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		Treating me like a gauleiter.  I'd Love a little chat now and then about hair, clothes, I'm no different because I'm older......

		(She looks into her mirror.)

		You know, you could look ten years younger.  I should write to that magazine and get them to do a transformation, what is it they call it... a makeover...they've done women older than me.  (Sticks out tongue.)  Andrews for you, my girl, first thing in the morning.  Oh, Christ...I've forgotten Again!  Regular!...it's useless otherwise ...(she turns off TV.)

		(She begins to do her physical exercises.)

		Now relax...

		Relax!

		It's no good if you don't relax.

		You could join a club.

		Ugh.
		At least get out and Meet people...stay stuck here every weekend, who's going to come up five flights to winkle You out?  Get your skates on...take a chance on life.

		I offered to babysit.  (She changes to a jerky, shoulder-rolling exercise.)  I suppose they didn't want to get thick or feel obliged.

		It's since SHE came.

		Completely different atmosphere.

		I've always taken him his tea, I know how he likes it, you have to Infuse it...gants' pee the way she does it.

			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		It was me found the laundry for his shirts...oh, I wish we were back in the old days.  One office, all mail order...I didn't mind the stairs... we Made that place, I never begrudged a minute of the extra time, it was exciting.  He's not like his father - bunch of anemones every birthday... never forgot once - sit there painting their nails, changing the subject when I walk through the door, it's very...think I was something the cat brought in...(She assumes a simpering male voice)..."Ew, we don't talk about problem and solution now, Miss Arnold...it's all challenge and response...", giggle, giggle, giggle.  (She notices that she has stopped doing her exercises.)  Oh.  Oh well, that's enough anyway, look at all the arthritis athletes get.

		(She prowls, not knowing what to do with herself.)

		Now, let's see.  Done the ironing.  (She ticks off on her fingers.)

		Keep my book for tonight or I'll run out.

		I could tidy my drawers.

		Oh......it's all so Silly!  Why should I have to live like this, nobody should have to, at least if I had the money I could go Out - scraping fifty weeks a year for two weeks off, it's not worth it...all that way last time just for a room next to the gents' toilet, what chance have you got, woman on your own, they see you coming.

		I know!  I haven't put the button on yet!
She goes to her shopping and takes a big wooden button from a paper bag.  She smiles at it with pleasure, goes to her chest of drawers and reverently removes her new sweater.  She quickly and efficiently sews on the button, biting the thread with her teeth.

She tries on the new sweater before the mirror.

			EILEEN
		Ooh!  Ohh!  Ah!!  Now it's sewn up...!  Every time I have to sew up I think, that's it, I'll never do another one...(she laughs)  haha, you know you've got your eye on that bronzy brown wool, you'll need something warmer for next winter - oh, walk the other way home, how do you think you're going to get to Spain if you spend, spend, spend!

		Never know, I might have had my veins done by then, I must be near the top, I've been on the list two years, still, fair's fair, must take your turn...oh, then I could walk and walk!

		Spain!

		(She does a little fandango.)

		Quieter than Italy.

		More reserved.

		And cheaper.

		Time they got rid of those bullfighters, these welts could have done with another inch, serves you right for following a pattern, it's better when you work it out for yourself...still, not bad.  Perhaps I'll just pop out for a breath... give you a little airing...mm, good idea.

She powders her nose, dabs scent behind her ears, checks her bag for purse and key.  She moves across to get her coat, takes a last look in the mirror, and doubletakes.

			EILEEN
		You turd.

		You rat.

		Sneaking off out, weren't you?

		Off to the bloody pictures, that's what you were up to!  And a welsh rarebit and a pot of tea after - who the hell do you think's going to look at you, you bloody twerp!

		(She throws down her bag.)

			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		You've got your books...you've got your television, what more are you after, you're as greedy as the rest of them, what's more you're cunning with it.  Sloping off out!  Honestly, I'd fritter the lot - well make up your Mind!  Do you want to go on holiday or don't you?  Do you Want to find yourself spent up every weekend?

		(She sits on the bed.)

		I must have a holiday.  If I don't have something to look forward to I can't -

		Oh blow!

		Blow, I shall miss Warren Beatty.

		Oh.

		How can I miss him?

		It's not just his looks...(she cuddles a cushion) ...you can see he's a lad.  He's bright...it's the eyes - intelligent.  Restless, you can tell he gets bored easily.  I like a moody man - oh, I really love my Warren.  He's secretive...like me!

		I could just go for a walk.  Not take my purse with me.

		You might feel bad - have to take a taxi, like that time in the park.

		No, I'm better off staying in - don't tempt yourself, anyway, you're just as likely to get one of your panics, we can do without That.

She rests on the bed with her cushion, feet up...rubs her midriff lightly as if in discomfort.

			EILEEN
		Oh, I do feel it.

		If you had more guts you probably wouldn't feel so rotten half the time.

She presses the area of her liver, sitting up straight.

			EILEEN
		The area of the firm decision...that's what the Chinks call it.

		"How's life?"  "That depends upon the liver!"

		Why don't you toughen up, stand up to them... look at Mother Theresa...she keeps going...
		I should have gone to America with Phyllis Butler.

		Tch.  All those men during the war and I never had one of them...not one date.

		We-ell, I was tired with overtime.  Just used to walk past without catching their eye in case they thought I was a floosie.  Oh, it was awful...even worse when they'd all gone...still rationed...two ounces of cheese a week.  I MUST stop spending in that Supermarket.  Make a list and Stick to it!

		(Snarls)  Macrobiotic food!

She jumps up, rips off the new sweater, wraps an old apron round her, scrabbles for her box with the polish and rag, and begins to polish the floor vigorously.

			EILEEN
		He sits there, taking it all in, never gone hungry in his life and I should know I do his credit cards.  Of Course she can live on macrobiotic food when he's treating her to fillet steak three times a week at the Inter-Continental, I've a good mind to drop a word in Monica's ear, there are those little girls to think of.

		Oh, stop it, Eileen...you know you're jealous.

		I wish it was me.

		I wish somebody was - oh, why didn't I play daft and helpless like the rest of them, why didn't I giggle and laugh at the jokes and show off my tits, I was too Proud!  You want a good billet, you've got to play your cards, use some cunning...think of Odysseus.  I should have Pretended, worn blue and curled my hair.

		Nobody ever noticed you.
			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		I hate the lot of them.

		Now that's enough...pull yourself together, my girl, that'll do.  And watch it.  They'll have you out of it soon enough if they can...I've seen him thinking on about my pension.  Remember, you're in the minority.

		If only they'd pull their weight.  Mad panic by Wednesday, nightmare Thursday...by Friday night I think I can't go through it one more week, we're understaffed!  No, not if they Worked, if they pulled their weight...if anything there's too many of us.

		Now remember, they'll have you out.  Just don't give them an excuse.  Whatever you do, get on with them...be pleasant...friendly.

		Ugh.

		If you can't like them for themselves, you could ...I could pretend they were somebody else.  He could be...(she ponders, then has a flash of inspiration)  Prince Philip!  He could be Prince Philip.  Then there's the respect for his...for his position.  I can pretend Josie's my niece and I have to look out for her - do that anyway, all she ever does is misfile.

She rubs away at the floor, stimulated.  But a thought suddenly strikes.  She pauses, sits up on her haunches.

			EILEEN
		Messalina.

		Oh cut it out, Eileen!  She's part of the team whether you like it or not.  There's already bad feeling, if you don't nip it in the bud - he's as weak as piss...just when you think you're safe as houses you're out on your ear, we all know that one.  I wouldn't get placed easily.  Not now.  You watch out for yourself, my dear.  And suck up to that little snake whether you like it or not.

		I don't Want to.

			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		Why should I have to.  I've known her sort ever since I was a kid.  Jean Kerran...never leave your side if you had a bag of sweets, closed her eyes if you weren't talking about her.

		That's it!

		Flattery!  Talk about her looks...her hair, her bloody beauty spot...listen!  I can shut my mind off, she always talks the same drivel all you have to say is ooh, lovely.  Nothing to it.

		After all, she Is pretty.  I shan't be telling a lie.

		She is a pretty girl.

		Oh Eileen.

		I keep thinking they're Laughing at me.

		I knew there'd be trouble, that day at the interview.  Funny, I thought it would be Mr Lionel.

		I've got to stop poisoning myself.  Keep thinking she's threatening me! - it's got to stop.  No more bad thoughts.  They're a bunch of Kids!  You can't expect them to have your experience or loyalty to the job, I've spent my life there.  Let's face it...none of us is there by choice - I've got to get a healthier attitude, not let things get me down.  I'm the senior, it's up to me to set the pace, without laying into them or getting too critical - good grief, I don't suppose they give me a thought once they're out of that door -

A knock on the door.  She jumps.  Another knock.

			EILEEN
		Who is it?

		What do you want?

			VOICE  (Off)
		A parcel for you...

			EILEEN
		For me?

			VOICE  (Off)
		You were out.  The postman left it with us.

EILEEN goes to the door, opens it on the chain.

			EILEEN
		For me?  Are you sure?  I'm not expecting anything.

			VOICE
		Miss Arnold...right?

			EILEEN
		Oh...well...thank you very much.  I'm sorry you've been troubled.  Thank you ever so much, I wonder what -

			VOICE
		(Going, cutting her off)  No trouble.

A door slams.

			EILEEN
		Some wretched free gift, I suppose, well, it goes straight back without a stamp.  No, I mustn't let myself get bitter.  The thing is to keep going - they've made a good job of this packaging, I must show it to the department - well, let's face it, Eileen, if there IS bad feeling, you've got to ask yourself - being on your own, you're bound to imagine things...(She opens the box and takes out a vibrator)...what on earth's this?...there must be some mistake.

She forages among the wrappings, finds a leaflet and reads.

			EILEEN
		Some sort of -

Her voice falters.  She sits at the table.  Pause.
			EILEEN
		(At last)  Their idea of a joke I suppose.

She tries to breathe deeply, then jumps up wildly and sweeps everything together and throws it all in the Sanibin.

			EILEEN
		So much for good will!

		Oh you bloody fool!  When will you learn!

		The thing is to get BY.  Don't you know that by now!

		Stop trying to control things, you can't Do it on your own.

		You've got your room.  You've got your set ......for God's sake!

		You're NOT lonely.  You've got the library... the whole of the world's literature, you're not starving, you've got books, there's the park... clothes on your back...there's your holiday... your holi - you've got......

		(She breaks down and sobs.)

		Oh!  Oh!  I don't want it......I don't like it!  Please......I can't bear it any more...I don't want it...

		I'm tired...I can't go on fighting.  I fight all the time, I don't give in to it.  I keep on, I don't give up, but I'm tired.  I want to go to bed.

		Please...I don't want to wake up any more...I can't...(she sobs)...I don't want to do my teeth ...I don't want to wash...I don't want to get dressed any more...

		I want to stay in bed.

		Please God...

		(Shuddering sobs)  The food churns up inside...I can't stand the noise of the traffic...you get pushed about on the tube...I'm frightened!

		I don't want to go in that lift, I'm frightened of it!

		I don't want to go there!

		Please God, please don't make me go!

			EILEEN  (Cont'd)
		They hate me......they Hate me!

She sobs.  The sound of her own sobbing begins to soothe her.  She slides down in front of her chair, clutching her cushion.

			EILEEN
		What a joke.

		All that stuff about God.

		He's not there.

		What do they want to teach you all that rubbish for?

		Fill you up with a load of rubbish.  Of course there isn't any God.  Stupid.  Bloody washout, all that.  All right, clevercock, what is there, then?  (Growls)  Dunno!

		(She wipes her nose on the cushion)  There - now you'll have to wash that.  Can't have a snotty cushion.

		Oh...it's bad.  (She cries again, remembering her predicament.)

		Monday morning...oh - how can I......?

		I could do without this.

		(She gets up, crosses, takes some tablets.)

		I'll take two more tonight...that should black me out.

		(She eats a ginger biscuit without noticing.)

		What a waste of money!

		They've got it to burn, I wish I had the money to play filthy jokes.

		It was her all right.  Oh, they'll all have joined in, they'll have had a good laugh but I know whose idea it was, she never leaves it alone.

		Stupid waste.

She goes to the bin.

			EILEEN
		I wonder if I could take it back.

		You Would have to tear the box, Eileen.

		(She fishes out the vibrator, puts it back in its box.)
		That would really do them in, if I took it back and got the money on it, that would turn the tables...talk about the last laugh.  I've half a mind to do it, I know damn well where they'll have got it, they never stop rabbiting about the place.

		Oh, I wouldn't have the nerve to go through the door.  Probably want me to take a credit note.  (She giggles.)

		Forget it Eileen.

		What a shame.  What a shame.  I bet it wasn't cheap.

She takes the vibrator out of the box and strokes it gingerly.  Then she presses the switch...it is working, and makes her jump.

			EILEEN
		God bless my soul!

She inspects it, absorbed.  Then she holds it at crutch level, sticking out.

			EILEEN
		I've never thought about it...fancy walking about with all that stuck on the front of you.  I suppose they get used to it.

		(She suddenly remembers.)

		Oh, my film!

She dashes to the television, switches on again and settles down in her chair to watch.  The music from the film is dated Hollywood romantic...an oldie.

			EILEEN
		Perhaps I'll do an egg later on.  Poached.  Or scrambled.

She switches on the vibrator and plays with it idly.

			EILEEN
		What a useless thing!  Honestly, I do hate waste!

		(She fondles it, turning it over.)

		I wonder how long the battery lasts.

She begins to watch the film.

EILEEN brings herself off with the vibrator.

			EILEEN
		Oh...oh!

		Oh!  Oh......ohh!

She smiles gently, flurried, like a young bride.  She cuddles down into the chair, with her cushion, and the vibrator...smiling.  She watches the film, stroking the side of her chin with the vibrator as the lights fade.